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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My cousins wife refusing to allow my partner to wedding

233 replies

LondonElle · 28/03/2018 14:35

A very close cousin of mine is getting married in a month.
Due to living in different parts of the country we haven’t physically seen each other for a year but regularly keep in contact via social media and phone calls.
His mum and my mum are close sisters and we have grown up together.
My current relationship started around three years ago we are engaged .. my cousin has met my partner several times and they get on very well.
However we recently got a invite to his wedding ( he’s met her 18 months ago) and only my name was on it... thinking this was a mistake I tried to get hold of him to clarify but he didn’t get back to me.
Eventually he called my mum to state that his fiancé has refused to allow my partner to attend the wedding as she’s not met him... apparently he’s very unhappy with this decision but she won’t bend and says the only way she will invite him is if we meet up... but due to work and family commitments on both sides we can’t manage to meet up before the wedding.... I suggested maybe we could meet up the evening before the wedding briefly but she can’t make it.. I can understand this as she will be very busy but the wedding is over 300 miles away and we won’t get another chance.
Do I just accept it and go alone despite the fact that all my siblings partners will be there or see if I can try and persuade her to allow him to come?

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/03/2018 17:15

I agree with coffee - if he truly isn't being allowed to choose his own wedding guests, that sounds like an abusive relationship to me too.

I would also decline - it is a question of loyalty to your fiance. I would make it very clear to my family exactly why I wasn't going to be there.

My nan (mum's mum) controlled the guest list to my parents wedding. On the day, all her extended family were there, but none of my dad's. They never forgave him really and their previously close relationship didn't recover. Relatives do expect to be invited to weddings and to leave a long standing partner out of a big wedding is a massive snub.

BugsyMcGee · 28/03/2018 17:15

You say you are and always have been really close to your cousin. Is your relationship with your cousin a closer one than between him and your siblings. Could she be insanely jealous of your close relationship with her partner. Is it possible she might be doing this to drive a wedge between you and your cousin. Just think, if you don't go because she has in effect banned your DP from attending, will your cousin be so hurt that your hitherto close relationship will no longer be so and she has managed to get rid of you from her partner's life.

I may be wrong but I smell an ulterior motive here.

Motoko · 28/03/2018 17:21

If he insists it's all the bride's doing, point out to him that from where you are sitting it sounds like he's saying he's in an abusive and controlling relationship, and is he sure he wants to get married to someone who is so open about abusing him to friends and family? Surely he should see to the outside world "my wife won't let me" does sounds like abuse? That men can be the victims too.

What CoffeeOrSleep said. Ring your cousin and talk to him. It sounds like he's about to legally tie himself to an abusive/controlling spouse. He'll still marry her, because he'll be in denial, but at least he knows you'll be there for him when the scales fall from his eyes.

I would decline the invite, you need to put your fiancé first, and let the family know why.

KingLooieCatz · 28/03/2018 17:21

I'd delight in going and talking of nothing else for the entire duration of the wedding, whilst being apparently incredibly sympathetic about her diktat on this.

Tara336 · 28/03/2018 17:21

I wouldn’t go then

Esspee · 28/03/2018 17:22

Don't bother to go. That marriage won't last anyway. Just make sure everyone knows why you are not going.
Loved the suggestion that you tell the bridegroom that you and your fiancé will be happy to attend his next wedding.

Esspee · 28/03/2018 17:22

Don't bother to go. That marriage won't last anyway. Just make sure everyone knows why you are not going.
Loved the suggestion that you tell the bridegroom that you and your fiancé will be happy to attend his next wedding.

OhCalamity · 28/03/2018 17:26

If you flipped it to your fiance's family, you'd be very hurt if he attended a cousins wedding that specifically excluded you for a silly reason. You would feel he's being unsupportive of you and pandering to others.

So, gracefully decline, and don't hold a grudge towards your cousin. On the day, people will notice you are the only one not there and question it. And she will come across as a right twat.

only39p · 28/03/2018 17:29

i wouldn't be going!

Motoko · 28/03/2018 17:31

I'm not sure about the marriage not lasting. If he can't even stand up to her over who comes to the wedding, he's unlikely to be able to end the marriage. He'll just keep his nose down and go along with everything she says, just to keep the peace.

Once they have children, he knows that if they did split up, she'll use them to control him, not allowing him to see them etc., so he'll stay put and keep quiet.

peachgreen · 28/03/2018 17:31

We didn't want anyone we hadn't both met at our wedding either, which is why we had a tiny wedding and invited only our closest friends and family! No way would I have invited someone and not their long term partner.

lettuceWrap · 28/03/2018 17:31

It wouldn’t even occur to me to invite only one half of a married or cohabiting couple to a wedding (or any other formal event!).

I always thought that whole point of weddings, christenings (and even funerals), and similar events, is the strengthening of family and friendships bonds. Meeting new partners (and new children) of far-flung friends and relatives is a big part of that... it’s the family group growing and evolving.

TurnipCake · 28/03/2018 17:39

I wouldn't go.

As close to a cousin as you might be, not inviting your fiancee of 3 years is an unnecessary snub to your family.

For the cost of travel, outfit, lugging yourself 300 miles? Nope, I'd be going on a filthy weekend away with your OH Grin

diddl · 28/03/2018 17:40

"He'll just keep his nose down and go along with everything she says, just to keep the peace."

Yup & he'll be thinking how interferring his family are & how lucky his is to have his wife when his family have faded away.

I know a bloke in an abusive relationship.

He knows that he's in an abusive relationship-but he loves her so it's worth putting up with all kinds of shit rather than be without her.

kimanda · 28/03/2018 17:41

You say you are and always have been really close to your cousin. Is your relationship with your cousin a closer one than between him and your siblings. Could she be insanely jealous of your close relationship with her partner. Is it possible she might be doing this to drive a wedge between you and your cousin. Just think, if you don't go because she has in effect banned your DP from attending, will your cousin be so hurt that your hitherto close relationship will no longer be so and she has managed to get rid of you from her partner's life.

This. ^ I wonder if your cousin's fiancee IS jealous of your relationship? And is trying to cause trouble between them.

GreenTulips · 28/03/2018 17:48

I wouldn’t go if I was you, your partners you need to choose his feelings over everything else

Yep - put your DP where he belongs - next to you! Don't go it'll strengthen your relationship with him knowing you chose not go without him.

SpringHen · 28/03/2018 17:54

usually I would say YABU BUT given the context it sounds like she is threatened by your closeness and is making a statement about the wedge she expects to be able to put between you and your cousin so YANBU

BUT I would go. Its very worrying when friends/family get in relationships with people like this and i would try to keep lines of communication open with him.

My DH would understand that I think.

SomeKnobend · 28/03/2018 17:57

I wouldn't go. If you have joint finances, then you're spending your joint money on attending an event he's been deliberately excluded from. Rude as fuck. Just decline.

Sweetpea55 · 28/03/2018 17:57

Ffs.. Bridezilla.!!, How petty.. Can't you mum gave a word with your aunt about it.. And what about your cousin.. Under the thumb already..

Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/03/2018 18:00

Abusive? Or is he a bit of a door mat? You know your cousin is he often like this? Maybe he doesn't like your partner and she's going on long with it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/03/2018 18:05

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't attend any event where my DH was deliberately excluded for no good reason.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/03/2018 18:18

This happened to me recently. An old friend invited me and not my DH of 10 years to his wedding. After checking that all our other mutual friends had been invited with their other halves (they had), I asked him why my DH had been excluded. He said their numbers were very tight and his fiancée only wanted to invite people she'd met (friend has met my DH many times; he was at our wedding as well). I said if their numbers were so tight they were only inviting one half of long established couples, it was probably best I didn't come and free up a space for someone else.

I'm not going to fall out with my friend over it, wedding plans can often make people a bit crazy, but neither am I prepared to be the only person rocking up without my OH. Don't ask me to come and celebrate your marriage if you're not going to even acknowledge mine!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 28/03/2018 18:19

If you read the wedding threads, it does seem to be a current ‘thing’, but I honestly don’t get it. It’s not like you have loads of time to sit & chat with each guest. Plus, it’s just rude, it’s as good as saying ‘You meet my requirements, but I don’t trust your judgement’..

I don’t even agree with sending invites without a +1 (if you wish), I think it’s mean to make someone go to a wedding in their own if they have a partner, it’s so ‘We want to celebrate our relationship, but screw yours’. The only exception is maybe if you both have lots of work friends and they come as ‘work groups’.

WWID in your situation? I’d talk to my close cousin. I’d say that I’ll come, but that I’m worried about him. They’ve only been together 18 months and he’s allowing her to stop him inviting someone, he knows and likes, to his wedding, for no particular reason. That doesn’t bode well for a future together. I’d tell him it’s not too late to postpone, or cancel, the wedding.

If I was your DF I’d be relieved I didn’t have to go (weddings are boring) but also a little pissed off on your behalf and I’d feel a bit disappointed in your cousin for being so wet.

Have you met her?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/03/2018 18:21

Ooh, I wonder if it's the same wedding?! Is it in May OP?

NataliaOsipova · 28/03/2018 18:29

This doesn't bode well for the future for your cousin. At all. Isn't the point of getting married that you're in it for the long term. So why would you deliberately piss off someone who is part of your "new" family when your DH to be is close to them? To put it in context, I'm quite close to my cousin, although I don't see him that often due to distance. He has a newish, but serious, girlfriend that I hadn't met before Christmas......when she invited me, my DH and our two kids to come for dinner and to stay at her house. Why? Because my cousin wanted to meet up with us. That's a sign of someone who is serious about that relationship.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't make a big song and dance about it, but when the invitation comes I'd send a very formal, very polite reply declining the invitation. Just "regret unable to attend". And I'd leave it at that....but, as others have suggested, I wouldn't extend the invitation to your wedding to her!

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