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Original poster

My cousins wife refusing to allow my partner to wedding

233 replies

LondonElle · 28/03/2018 14:35

A very close cousin of mine is getting married in a month.
Due to living in different parts of the country we haven’t physically seen each other for a year but regularly keep in contact via social media and phone calls.
His mum and my mum are close sisters and we have grown up together.
My current relationship started around three years ago we are engaged .. my cousin has met my partner several times and they get on very well.
However we recently got a invite to his wedding ( he’s met her 18 months ago) and only my name was on it... thinking this was a mistake I tried to get hold of him to clarify but he didn’t get back to me.
Eventually he called my mum to state that his fiancé has refused to allow my partner to attend the wedding as she’s not met him... apparently he’s very unhappy with this decision but she won’t bend and says the only way she will invite him is if we meet up... but due to work and family commitments on both sides we can’t manage to meet up before the wedding.... I suggested maybe we could meet up the evening before the wedding briefly but she can’t make it.. I can understand this as she will be very busy but the wedding is over 300 miles away and we won’t get another chance.
Do I just accept it and go alone despite the fact that all my siblings partners will be there or see if I can try and persuade her to allow him to come?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 28/03/2018 16:35

I would stay away and save yourself the trip and the money. Be pleasant about it wish them the best and send a card and gift but you don’t have to go if they’re making it awkward for you.

JaneEyre70 · 28/03/2018 16:35

I'd politely decline. If you go, you're going to spend the entire day answering questions about why isn't your fiance there! It's pretty mean to him too, if the boot was on the other foot, I'd imagine you'd feel pretty upset if he accepted an invitation to something you were excluded from.
When my friend got married, she joked about her parents paying £X for people she'd never met before to eat at her wedding, but accepted that if you invite people you've known for years you aren't always going to know their partners.........

ilovekitkats · 28/03/2018 16:36

viques Grin OP you HAVE to do Viques suggestion Grin

Bride is being a bit petty, Groom needs to man up.

Rachie1973 · 28/03/2018 16:37

I would politely decline the invite but make sure the family know why.

CoffeeOrSleep · 28/03/2018 16:43

Call your cousin, say that obviously you can't come without your DP so will be sending a formal decline shortly. Explain you are really upset that he won't invite your DP to the wedding and want to know the real reason, as you don't belive he's not allowed to invite who he wants to his wedding. If he insists it's all the bride's doing, point out to him that from where you are sitting it sounds like he's saying he's in an abusive and controlling relationship, and is he sure he wants to get married to someone who is so open about abusing him to friends and family? Surely he should see to the outside world "my wife won't let me" does sounds like abuse? That men can be the victims too.

Tell him that you will always be there for him, but he should think very carefully about why he's tolerating what looks like to the outside world as abuse.

The reality is he's lying and for some reason doesn't want your DP there, or he's telling the truth, and has so normalised his abuse he can't see how odd it is.

Can you get your Mum to talk to his Mum about that this is a clear sign of abusive relationship and are they worried? Make sure he knows it's not a 'weakness' to admit he is in an unhealthy relationship.

ClosdesMouches · 28/03/2018 16:44

I wouldn't go. And there would not be a wedding gift either.

At one point at our wedding I looked around the room and realised I ddn't know about 30% of the guests ! DH had a lot of family that I'd never met.

MacaroniPenguin · 28/03/2018 16:44

DailyMailFail101 "
I wouldn’t go if I was you, your partners you need to choose his feelings over everything else."

I think this is a really good point and a good way to approach it if you do choose to decline.

kimanda · 28/03/2018 16:45

@LondonElle

I have to say I agree with the posters saying this is not a good sign. I don't think I would have married my DH if he had ordered me not to invite my cousin's partner who he had not met. Because I would have seen it as a warning that he was controlling.

When I got married, my brother's new G/F of 6 weeks came, and I had never met her before. Also, several mates of mine came and I had never met their boyfriends before either. It happens at weddings! I know a few people who have got married, and had 150 people there, and not ever met as many as 2 DOZEN of them - old family friends of their parents, partners of people they know from work etc..... As I said, it is not uncommon to have a few people at your wedding who you have never met.

This bride sounds fucking awful. As has been said, she is going to be a nightmare to be married to! Fuck that. If I was your cousin, I would run for the hills NOW, and not look back!

And why do people keep saying 'it's HER wedding?!' It's the groom's wedding too! Hmm

And he is 'working behind the scenes to sort it!' What the ACTUAL fuck?! Hmm

Oh and yeah, DECLINE the invitation. And yes, make sure the family know why.

CoffeeOrSleep · 28/03/2018 16:47

oh and can we stop saying he sounds "spineless" or "needs to man up" - he sounds like he's in a controlling, abusive relationship. (Or is lying and doesn't want the OP's DP there for some unspecified reason.)

Swap the sexes and you'd all be calling for the cousin to dump her controlling groom....

peacheachpearplum · 28/03/2018 16:48

All this "It's the bride's day" or "It's her day" drives me mad. I'm amazed some women bother with a groom as they seem so unimportant. I wouldn't go but then I am always on the look out for a reason not to go to a wedding.

drspouse · 28/03/2018 16:48

I thought the whole point of weddings was to meet all the extended family of your partner that you hadn't had a chance to meet before?

If I were you, I'd go to the area that the wedding is being held in, meet up with all your family (hopefully including your nice cousin) the night before (if she's busy, but he isn't!) and then not bother going to the wedding.
That way all your aunties that haven't met your fiance can do so and you don't have to attend this dreadful occasion with the Bridezilla.

Whocansay · 28/03/2018 16:48

Maybe your cousin doesn't like your OH, and is too much of a weasel to admit it, so is blaming his fiance?

It could simply be that from their point of view, they have other people they would rather invite than some random the bride has never met.

Lonesurvivor · 28/03/2018 16:49

I wouldn't go no matter how close you are to your cousin. If her choosing to spend the rest of his life with this control freak that's his choice and one he's willingly making.
No way would I undermine my fiancee to keep the peace.
Let them deal with the fall out and politely decline the wedding stating why.

peacheachpearplum · 28/03/2018 16:49

CoffeeOrSleep, I agree, people seem to forget that the controlling abusive partner isn't always a man.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 28/03/2018 16:49

I hope your cousin is using the same criteria to exclude all her friends and family that he hasn't met.

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2018 16:49

@LondonElle I think all this does not bode well for your cousin's marriage. He is being treated like a guest at his own wedding.

I'd make a big effort to meet up before wedding but that is because I love weddings and prefer to go with my dh.

It's your call go, don't go. Your cousin is a doormat so maybe he deserves to be treated like. But it is pretty shoddy.

montenotte · 28/03/2018 16:50

Decline the invite, definitely. Give your cousin some ammunition / kick up the butt to sort his BTB out.

Ginger1982 · 28/03/2018 16:51

I think you need to side with your DP here and not go, as much as you might want to.

ItsuAddict · 28/03/2018 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2018 16:57

How ridiculous. I would either go alone, or not at all.

Travis1 · 28/03/2018 16:58

Sack that, take the money you would've spent and you and your partner bugger off somewhere nice

Laiste · 28/03/2018 17:00

If, as you say, you are close to your cousin i would be having a heart to heart with him. Not in anger about the lack of invite for your DP, but because you are worried for him that he seems to have no say over his own guests and what this means for him in his relationship.

BlueSapp · 28/03/2018 17:06

Just stay away, to be honest you'll probably never spend time with this cousin again so I'd leave it and also not invite them to your wedding because whats the point.

SadieHH · 28/03/2018 17:10

Nope, wouldn’t go to that one. And I’d make sure everyone knew why. A new relationship, ok fine. Three years in and engaged? Absolutely should be on the invitation. And I wouldn’t want a fuss being made behind the scenes, she could stick her invitation up her arse and the invitation to my wedding wouldn’t include her.

chewbacca83 · 28/03/2018 17:11

I think there were 50 people I didn't know at my wedding from my husbands side. But it was a wonderful opportunity to meet them. Otherwise when would I? Weddings are family occasions, a time you spend with family and friends. Excluding someone like this is so inexplicably rude in my opinion. She's pissing people off before she has even married into the family. What on earth does she think this will do to family relations?! I feel sorry for you and your cousin. If it was me I would politely decline, you wont be the only ones by the sounds of it.