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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

478 replies

PeppersTheCat · 27/03/2018 20:49

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

OP posts:

SpringNowPlease2018 · 27/03/2018 21:29

OP "But female aging seems to be the elephant in the room"

Who toom? How so?

lucydogz · 27/03/2018 21:29

Another 60 year old here. I think the op was quite sad really. I'm far happier post-menopause. Being older is fine (better than the alternative) and I think the only women who would suffer in old age are those who are so vacuous that looks are all-important.
and all that 'value' shit! What a load of nonsense.

deadringer · 27/03/2018 21:29

I think the women aging earlier than men thing is a myth that men have encouraged because it benefits them. My dh is the same age as me but looks years older, mostly due to him losing his hair. I went to a school reunion a few years ago and the men were mostly unrecognisable from the boys we had known. The women looked much as they always did, older yes, but very much recognisable. I think if women 'accept' that as we age we lose our looks and therefore our worth and expect that men will look for a younger model then that is what will happen. Yes it does already happen but we shouldn't normalise it. We need to respect and admire older women and not hide ourselves away when we get older ourselves. I am invisable to most men now, at least the sort of man who wolf whistles or approaches women in the street, but that does not affect the importance i place on myself one bit. I am smart, resourceful, with a wealth of experience in many areas of life. I no longer second guess myself, and i don't suffer fools gladly. In short i am fabulous at 50.

Mrsmadevans · 27/03/2018 21:29

Honestly it doesn't bother me. I want to be right where l am now .

Petalflowers · 27/03/2018 21:30

Hide fine middle age? 40s? 50s?

I actually think,you are stuck in the Middle Ages if you think my life has diminished with age. My hair is still it's natural brown colour, I wear fashionable clothes and am living my life. IT may not be the same life as I lived in my twenties, but it's still a worthwhile life. Each age group,has its frustrations, and value.

Don't write off a whole generation.

Reallycantbebothered · 27/03/2018 21:30

I am the oldest in office at work ,54,but I am valued as I've been through the teenage years with my dc and survived so am now known as the wise woman , imparting my knowledge and mistakes
And tbh I'm not worried about my looks since having a serious Illness

Ohyesiam · 27/03/2018 21:30

I value myself these days, so I don’t feel diminished.
I like being less noticed, I felt very on display when I was young.

The thing that is diminished is the caricature of female that the media throws at us( and that most people lap up), so now things that I do, and attention I get is about me, not my trappings. My essence is stronger than my trappings now, so things feel more truthful somehow, less smoke and mirrors, what you see is what you get,
And I give zero fucks. Which makes me feel solid.

starzig · 27/03/2018 21:30

Because i don't judge myself on looks, age or reproductive value. Also not over obsessed about DH looking at other girls. It's just looks after all. I still have the same interests and possibly more intellect than when I was younger and that means much more than taking a good selfie.

Odoreida · 27/03/2018 21:32

as a plain teenager and unremarkable 20-something who has come into their looks at nearly 40 I find my value increases a lot. Youth never did it for me. IF we take 'value' to mean 'attractiveness to men', which obviously it shoudn't.

PussGirl · 27/03/2018 21:32

I feel more attractive in my early 50s than ever before!

I have a lot of experience at work which is valued & appreciated, I'm having more sex & more fun than I've had for years, I look my age but good with it & I actually don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of what I look like or how I dress or anything really this is the best bit - so liberating

kaytee87 · 27/03/2018 21:32

People are seeing male attention as a positive thing. Since having ds, going up a dress size and looking tired all the time, I get a lot less male attention and it's wonderful. I've never ever liked strange men trying to chat me up or leer at me.

Laska5772 · 27/03/2018 21:33

lucydogz ..Yes , post menopause is great .. I suppose i did find some aspects of that quite difficult , but now that's all over ... feeling great !

Baubletrouble43 · 27/03/2018 21:33

Nah that's all bollocks. I've had two perfect kids in my forties (44 this year) I'm still carrying extra baby weight and going grey but I'm more awesome than ever. I love me more and more the older I get.

User247 · 27/03/2018 21:33

I admire older women. Think of all that wisdom you've gained over the years. Is wisdom not valuable anymore? I'm only 25 but can't wait to reach older age and think back over the years of my life.

ItsalmostSummer · 27/03/2018 21:33

Peppers aka OP, I think it’s time to find yourelf again. If you feel you have diminished compared to your DH, then you are believing lies and he crappy media photos and stories who are always trying to tell us who we should be and what we should look like. Nah. Get rid of that crap. It’s time to rewrite your own chapter for this season, and it truly only gets better!

AnnabelleLecter · 27/03/2018 21:33

I still give a shit about my looks.
Absolutely I do. A lot.

MammaTJ · 27/03/2018 21:33

I think my value has gone up. I am less foolish, much more wise.

I would not have had the confidence to home educate DD1, yet I am doing so with DD2, born 11 years later.

I am now a Grandmother, much loved by 2 more little people. That increases my value, every time I look into their eyes. I am the first person DD1 turns to for advice, even though a lot of the time I am wise enough to know I do not know the answer, so will point her to someone who does know. But the very fact that I am wise enough to admit I do not know increases my value, as there are too many fools around pretending they know everything.

I am disabled, feeling pretty physically pathetic but there is not way in hell I would wind the clock back even 20 years, let alone the 30 it would take me to be 20 again! I love being 50

lucydogz · 27/03/2018 21:34

My essence is stronger than my trappings now, so things feel more truthful somehow, less smoke and mirrors, what you see is what you get,
And I give zero fucks. Which makes me feel solid.
I love what you said right there. That's me. That's where I am

RaindropsAndSparkles · 27/03/2018 21:35

I'm late 50s and have enjoyed every single decade. I have made the best of myself every single decade too. Good haircut, good colour now, natural make up every day, nice clothes. Nothing flash, nothing ostentatious. Could do with losing a stone.