How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

i don't feel diminished
maybe it's all in the mind just carry on being you
and don't read the Daily Mail or any of that crap

I am 53, short, fat, grey and no oil painting in the looks department , do I care what others think of me ? Do I buggery, my dh loves me anyway even if my kids think I'm a crazy old witch with lots of cats. ( well 4 anyway lol) I do things my way for me.

I'm 55. I've recently left my husband and am happily seeing a slightly younger man. I am having the best sex ever, fully intend to work into my late 60s and am relocating in a year. I am having the best time, and feel anything but invisible. I remember being warned about feeling invisible by an older friend - but either it hasn't happened, or I'm too busy to notice!

I know what you mean. I’m 39 and my MIL has started to refer to she and I as the older ones, while DH’s younger sisters are “the young ones” (they are in their late 20’s). Suddenly I feel middle aged

I do notice when I go to swing dance 'socials' that younger women are more sought after as partners, and this is does frustrate me a bit - though I am thinking about how to deal with this. (Also do I really want to dance with lecherous old tossers? Possibly not.)

@HarrietSmith then find the young man in the room, and teach him your expertise and flair on the dance floor.

I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before, wiser and calmer. The competitive drive among some other women passes me by. I smile at younger women and complement them. Ones I know, and ones I don't. I impart experience and they mostly listen.

When I see a lone woman for example, looking nervous, on public transport, I catch an eye and smile warmly. I'm a safe place to sit next to.

Oh and I have also left my draining ageing husband, have met a partner 6 years younger than me and am enjoying a fabulous time in the sack. 😂😂😂

Why? Because even though my body is ageing, I've finally decided it's the only one I've got and I need to enjoy it. You can't put a price on confidence in the boudoir.....

Men seem to go to pieces as they age. They get forgetful, unfocused, neglect their health and appearance and, generally, turn into seven year olds. They are held in great esteem - by other old buffers in the same predicament as themselves. Statistics bear this out. They are are high risk group for very poor health and suicide if they are unmarried or divorced.

In contrast, as they age and get through the menopause women become outward focussed, active and adventurous.

I think the key elements are money and autonomy. If a woman is not dependent on a man for her living she is able to shrug off the neglect of others.

I am 67, I am a goddess.

I've never been an oil painting. My dad liked to point out how fat, ugly and a waste of space I was. I'm still fat, ugly and a waste of space, thank fuck I'm now old enough to mostly be invisible these days, as I don't have to have it pointed out to me.

Sooner we beat this old chrone hag talk into the ground the better. Why are women talked about this way and not men? Oh a man looks good going grey and wrinkly but not a woman. Fuck off this world of judgement bollox against women. Makes me spit with fury.

I don't get this. I'm me, I think I'm a vaguely attractive, slightly overweight mid 40s woman. I love my husband, he loves me, we have 2 great kids. What am I missing? I value myself and my family value me too.

You ask how older women deal with it. I'm 57 and don't know how young people "deal with it". The world is harder now for young people, on line dating is scary, not being sure who you might meet. It's more expensive to live, harder to raise a family with the most women having the pressures of working full time. Everything in displayed for the world to see, (FB, Instagram, dating sites) which encourages young women to be vain, shallow and self centered, not even knowing how to be kind and giving, and then they wonder why they can't attract a good man. This generation uses more anti-depressants than any, drinks more, gives less to charity, volunteers less, have fewer hobbies, stares at more screens. I am so happy to be in the skin I'm in, active, happily in love with the world's greatest DH (who is my age, but looks older and has worse health), love my job and love the person I became. I never really thought looks were a good measure of any person, and have noticed that people carry their attitudes where the world can see them on their face. A young woman who thinks she is beautiful, but can't attract a nice person, might take a look at what she is projecting, because others notice what she might not see. Most older people are happy to shed the good looks of youth, so they are free to be themselves and have the best times of their lives!

oof! I am about to graduate in the career I have always dreamed of after 5 years of study (starting with GCSE maths) so, at the age of 44 I can honestly say that I have never valued myself so much - and I think my little family feel the same - all of our lives are about to change because I did it!! (almost...)

By not giving a toss, mainly. I am valued at work more than I was 15 years ago. Also, I have not been instructed to smile by complete strangers for years (it used to happen all the time). It's nice :-)

OP, I understand what you are feeling. I am sad to see myself age. I miss my young, pretty self who loved nice clothes and had tons of energy.

I do try to keep my hair dyed bc i do not feel as old as I am and the gray reminds me.
My brain has the curiosity of a 25 yo. But my body is more than double, it's an odd juxtaposition.

My great aunt, whom I adored, told me "I look in the mirror and wonder who that old lady is looking back.."

Her value and worth were incalculable. She was mother, grandmother and great as well. Single mother to 5 children and even though she passed away 19 years ago, i still keep her picture in my office and I look at it everyday bc she loved me, believed in my abilities and I aspire to be kind and supportive the way she was to her family.

She believed in family above all else and what could be more valuable than a wise, patient, funny matriarch?

I may not recognize the old woman in the mirror, but my family will always recognize my spirit.

Sooner we beat this old chrone hag talk into the ground the better. Why are women talked about this way and not men? Oh a man looks good going grey and wrinkly but not a woman. Fuck off this world of judgement bollox against women.

I am so with you.

The problem is that women over about 40 in our culture and in this era are not valued the way they were/have been in other cultures.

I’m thinking of the women one sees in, say, traditional Italian families of a few decades ago. Valued for having the wisdom that comes with experience and maturity, but also seen as sexy and attractive, just in a different way to a 25-year-old. Often also valued because they’re at the heart of the family and what glues everyone together.

I may be wrong and romanticising other cultures and eras, but this is how it seems to me.

And no, the self-talk women use around each other doesn’t help.

I have a friend I occasionally meet for coffee or brunch, who I’m considering pulling back from as I always come away feeling like shit! She’s constantly banging on about how we are ‘cougars’, ‘over the hill’, ‘things are falling apart’, and everything negative is put down to being middle-aged.

We are bloody 44, not 64 - and even if we were, I don’t want to talk/think about myself like that all the time!

my mum is Italian and you are romanticising it a bit. Although i will concede its not the same for everyone obviously but from what i know about my mums childhood (she grew up in Naples post WW2) a lot of them lead a life of drudgery then and now. Italy also has an appalling record on domestic abuse.

Asia Argento had to leave the country after speaking out about Harvey Weinstein.................

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/harvey-weinstein-sexual-assault-asia-argento-flees-italy-public-condemn-speaking-out-a8012511.html

my mum is Italian and you are romanticising it a bit.

Yes, I suspect I probably am.

I do feel that there are other cultures (and/or eras) where older women are more valued than they are here & now, where we are all supposed to secretly despise ourselves for not looking like Kylie Jenner at 45.

TOTALLY agree with that Husky.

I've had health problems that in the last couple of years have changed my looks completely. I feel like I need to mourn my looks and move on as bad as that sounds but I have a constant nostalgia of when I could turn heads. It doesn't help I'd still be sleeping around if I could!

67, still working full-time. Left my emotionally draining ex 20 years ago and never looked back. DH and I have the most fulfilling life, and it just gets better and better. We travel, discuss politics, history, every possible thing. I buy nice clothes, keep slim and fit, professionally on top of my game.My adult kids are good people, thoughtful and supportive, and I have great friends, none of whom believes that age has diminished them.

I'm 23 and I understand. All the men I date seem to be early 30's. Who will I date when I'm early 30's? I think it's really nice for everyone to virtue signal, and I fully expect to be a wise crone and am looking forward to that part of my life the most, but I am human, I am vain, and I am straight. I understand you OP.

I found this post really sad... you have swallowed the myth of the patriarchy my girl, that women diminish in value as they get older [and wiser] and who would want them then?

You are only 23 so you don't know it yet... but as a mid 40s woman I feel better... stronger, wiser, tougher now than I ever did as a pretty young thing. Suddenly I have gravitas, people [men] don't mess with me anymore, they listen to and respect what I have to say [even if I might be saying the exact same thing I used to say in my 20s... but wasn't listened to then!]. I find I can still attract men in their 20s, 30s and older but personally I am not interested in little boys and suddenly men in their 40s and 50s that would have seemed ancient to me in my 20s become very attractive and alluring!
I agree with PP... it is not virtue signalling but rather a truth and realisation that comes with aging if you have the mindset of embracing 'the crone' and not fighting it. Do not let men or the patriarchy determine your worth... at it's sharpest point this would mean if you're not a fertile, 18 year old, glamour model you have no worth... rather take the advice offered up by your mothers and older sisters and learn to embrace the crone!

Katedotness urgh at your dad, horrible horrible man. No child should be spoken to like that, and no adult should carry those memories with them. I really hope you don’t still believe it

In defence of men, loads including me find a different beauty as women age. A past is interesting, maturity is appealing, a deeper routed set of beliefs gained over time is valued, and yes curves too are appealing to the eye.
I am not 21 any more either, but I believe I am a better, deeper me with age. Why not the same for a woman?