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Original poster

How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

478 replies

PeppersTheCat · 27/03/2018 20:49

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

OP posts:
bsbabas · 29/03/2018 17:32

This is moronic insulting and very rude.

bsbabas · 29/03/2018 17:36

Just wow really wow this is soo awful. Stop hating on yourself also no one sane has said men should go out with some one younger than themselves.

bsbabas · 29/03/2018 17:36

If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else ?

Detectorista · 29/03/2018 17:37

Create new value for yourself in every way you can.

bsbabas · 29/03/2018 17:39

Exactly or do you wanna hang out with a man half your age who hangs on your every word and doesn't snore

HarrietSmith · 29/03/2018 17:44

It's a very capitalist image. I am not a commodity on sale in an auction room.

Obi73 · 29/03/2018 17:47

Eleanor Roosevelt — 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

I’m a 45 year old mother to a DD aged 19 who often says “ I want to be a young mum like you”. Be who you are and be proud - sod everyone else and their opinions!

Wintertime4 · 29/03/2018 17:49

It’s true. However I refuse to suppress my sexuality while I’m ageing.

Men don’t, so why should we? I might not be flush with youth, but I’m more confident and alive sexually than I’ve ever been! I’m nearly 50!

Maybe late 70s I’ll go off sex. But for now, I’ll still show off my body, take care of it. Let’s not give the younger girls all the fun, let’s face it poor girls often think they have to be porn style perfect with inexperienced rubbish young guys.

We can be their role models instead
,

Katara · 29/03/2018 17:55

I am mid-40s, I am bringing up two DC myself, I have a job I love, I have a house and garden. Most of all, I am my own person.

DC’s dad travels, has limited contact with DC, was abusive and very hard to leave, and may or may not have a younger girlfriend. On what meaningful scale should his value be considered more than mine? There is not one. At least not one I am prepared to value myself.

AL75 · 29/03/2018 17:59

Jassy Radlett, I totally get you Smile

Annabel7 · 29/03/2018 18:04

We simply don't need to buy into all society's BS about invisible women etc... WE ARE HALF OF SOCIETY so we can re-write the rules. I'm pushing 50 and when I look around my peers, I see a lot of amazing women. Some men are impressive but LOADS of women are more impressive throughout their lives. You don't have to feel diminished as you age. It's a choice we have...

Schlimbesserung · 29/03/2018 18:26

I couldn't care less about my "value" diminishing. I'm bloody fabulous!
I'm certainly not the lovely young thing I was 30 years ago, but back then I hadn't yet realised how bloody fabulous I really was.

WingsOnMyBoots · 29/03/2018 18:32

I am greatly heartened by the replies to the OP. What wonderful, positive, inspiring women you are!! It's fabulous to see.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 29/03/2018 18:34

I'm 42 and My value is probably peaking now or in the next few years. It's certainly going up not down at the moment as I get promoted and my investments pay off.

Not sure about the value of my looks, it's never really been something that has mattered.

I guess if I was a model or something but beyond that why would appearance have a value?

Missingstreetlife · 29/03/2018 18:39

Sexist, ageist nonsense. Invisibility is a relief, if it occurs. I can get noticed if I want. Appearance is not everything, but if it worries you look at all the fabulous old women in and out of public life.
This culture is so shallow. Enjoy life, it doesn't last forever

Strawberryfield12 · 29/03/2018 18:47

Very good thread!
I don't exactly agree that it is the female VALUE that is diminishing with the years. It is the male attention that is decreasing (surely men also feel that they are no longer turning heads when they get older!). If that constitutes "Value" then obviously it is going down.

As somebody who has been "turning heads" in her twenties and thirties, I do notice that I am no longer a subject of interest of young men in my early forties. I had DD when I was 38, so there were few years without much sleep and I couldn't care less about how I look. I have gained 2 kg in this time and it did feel for that time like I didn't count bcs she was a priority. However.... DD has started to sleep properly and in general me and DH we are getting more and more of our life and space back.
DH is 4 years senior to me and looking at the pictures before DD and after, it's obvious we both have aged in her early years. Not just me because I am a woman.
I feel I still get attention from men of MY age and I don't particularly crave flaming gazes of graduates Grin
I have always been a valuable employee and been referred as to somebody who has had "brain and looks". I was often getting frustrated about having lots of attention from all sorts of men. I always thought that the "plain looking" women had a massive advantage because they didn't have to face the constant superficial male attention as a "pretty bird". If a man paid attention it was because they saw their personality and valued the person they were. They didn't have to sift through THAT much sh*t.

Anyway, I am in ave of Judy Dench, I think she is SOOOO amazing in her eighties, can't imagine her saying her value has gone through the floor because of her age...

WeeMadArthur · 29/03/2018 19:03

I’m mid forties and by no means invisible, probably because it’s clear to men (not DH obvs) that I couldn’t give two shiny shits if they find me attractive. I think it rather puts some men on the back foot if they sense you aren’t after their approval in that way, and they don’t quite know how to handle it.

My friends are a bunch of hilarious, caring, brilliant women who also give zero fucks.

I’m not afraid to argue my corner for fear of seeming overbearing anymore, I have confidence and a sense of humour purely because having got to this age I’ve had to deal with some shit and I’ve managed to come out the other side just fine.

I know what is important to me and it isn’t chasing the approval of strangers. It worries me that so many young people these days are desperately putting their lives online to seek approval, it can’t be remotely healthy.

I’m hoping to instil in DS at an early age that there are certain people who’s opinion matters and the rest can go to hell.

I think that that the responses to this thread have been so overwhelmingly positive that we should get it into Classics!

manicmij · 29/03/2018 19:03

Can't say I have ever given a thought as to my value as a reproduction entity. If that is so important to you and you still want children, do it as Mother Nature will not give a hoot about your perceived value. It's life, accept it and live yours without all the self assessment of worth in relation to males.

SomeKindOfGenius · 29/03/2018 19:05

Diminishing value? I’m not diminishing in value. I have never liked myself more than I do now. My career is flying, I live in a happy home and have the time and money to take part in hobbies. I am now quickly approaching the age where people will hopefully stop expecting me to have children. Life is fabulous. I don’t care how people value me, I value myself.

Lovebeingmama · 29/03/2018 19:54

I’m in my mid 40’s. I have noticed I don’t get as much male attention these days...but most males on the prowl are far too young for me anyway!
My husband values me far more than my looks. I mean...for gods sake we have kids and he’s seen me in all kinds of messes. He’d have left by now if he ever wanted a trophy wife.
I absolutely love getting older though. I feel so much more confident in myself and wiser too. Sure I try lotions and potions to reduce the wrinkles, for myself. I feel quite liberated on the whole though 😀

MeganBacon · 29/03/2018 20:04

"Mate value" has no meaning at all if you already have all the children you want to have.
I'm delighted that so many women enjoy growing older. I do too, every decade has been better than the previous one. Literally the only time I ever felt invisible was when trying to buy make-up in a large department store. Otherwise I think people always take notice of me. Gravitas at work etc. And OK I'm grey and a bit wrinkled but I think I still look okay, for what that's worth. People are very good at embracing diversity these days which includes people from all generations.

TempusFugitive · 29/03/2018 20:10

People dont stop wanting a mate when they're done with children.

Devora13 · 29/03/2018 20:11

I think these things are more of a concern for those considered beautiful (by themselves or others). If I think about these things, I guess I'd put myself into the average to good average category. Personally, resilience, humour, ability to learn and grow, affinity with nature, compassion...these and other values are of far more importance to me. And these are qualities more likely to grow with age

TempusFugitive · 29/03/2018 20:22

Such interesting posts!

villageshop that made me laugh thinking of your mother talking about her public image! Her Brand as my career coach (consulted last year would have said).

Im feeling so buoyed up by everybody else's dynamism.

TheBrilliantMistake · 29/03/2018 20:26

Diminished value?
I can categorically assure you that's nonsense, but I can accept done might feel it's true.
Your value will remain as long as you draw breath, at least to those worthy of being called a true friend or partner.

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