How do middle-aged woman cope with their diminished value?

[PeppersTheCat]

Aging burdens up all. But particularly women.

We lower in reproductive value. Aging in women is seen as worse than in men. It is expected that a man will be with a younger woman. Women are judged more on looks, which diminish over time, etc.

How do you cope with this?

I'm in a relationship with a man the same age as me, and I find it a tough pill to swallow - that my value is diminished simply by being an aging woman, yet his is largely untouched. I think the power balance will shift as my "mate value" diminishes.

That's encouraging. My boss is 30 but I really like her and she's the fairest, most observant, most competent boss I've ever had but I would like if the age profile at work were higher. It's a want, not a need though.

I do understand what you're saying and I did nod reading unravelling's post too. Certainly I've never engaged in any conversation about why Irish people are ''looked down on'' for example, because I think discussing that notion serves to perpetuate an antiquated stereotype which is not relevant in a more modern Europe anyway. So I do understand your 'angle' and the instinctive reasons people held back from joining in the debate on this thread.

I hope at some point there will be a thread that is like the discussion I want to have.

I do feel my options dating are low and that's a conclusion formed after three years of OLD.

@TempusFugitive I'm sorry you feel debate was shut down and other views were not allowed. Maybe we should have a new thread with a more neutral title.

However, some of us can only speak from our own perspective. I was single in my thirties, desperate (and I mean that literally) to have a family. I definitely know how it feels to be single and not happy about it. But the thread was talking about being an aging woman.

I've no idea if any of my 'sense of security' or whatever is from being married. Certainly financially, yes. However my dh doesn't factor in my work life (I am not very high up in my job and work part-time). Plus in our church I am high profile, up the front, doing things at times, dh is not. So I don't think I am recognized or valued for him. I have a wide social circle of female friends, he has few friends. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert.

Anyway, I think there is still room to debate things as you wish to. I am several years older than you and look back on 47 with wistful eyes, but long term I want not to feel the need to be recognized an an attractive woman and more to just be seen as a person of value, irrespective of sex or age.

But clearly, if you are dating still, then will be a factor so I do totally get that.

Tempus I wonder if being between the top of the 'settle down and have a family' age and the 'clearly an oldie but wanting to enjoy life' age might be a difficult place to be. The people I know who have found partners have tended to be that bit older and so in some ways, the transaction a bit more straightforward. That said, I found dating and finding nice men hard at any age!

So true, I never found meeting somebody easy even when I was 'visible'.

And yes in about 7 years when both my DC are 18+ I hope to have a bit more freedom. Obviously I'll be older still, EVEN OLDER than I am now! So it'll be interesting to see if freedom gives me any value in the dating jungle.

I may start a thread in a few months when everybody has forgotten about this one!

@TempusFugitive your post really made me think. Especially:

Women who are still married in their 50s do not honestly know for certain that NONE of their self worth comes from being one half of a strong couple. Strong together as a couple yes but stronger as a unit in society. Being half of a unit is understood. Respected. Supported. Valued. So, again, I dare to suggest that married women don't fully understand. Or at least, they don't experience the worst of the devaluation.

Of course this is true. It is a kind of armor, being part of a couple. For me it has not been a financial armor but certainly a social one. I often imagine what I would be like if I was not half of a couple. More than likely what I will be like, given life expectancy differences between men and women.

Please do start a thread to continue this discussion honestly and supportively. Without the wankiness of the premise of this one.

I completely agree that a large part of my security and confidence as an ageing woman is wrapped up in the comfort of being part of a long-married couple. I am well aware of that and it is unsettling as I expect the time will come when I have to go it alone. The thought of that is terrifying and I do imagine I will soon become invisible.

At the other end of the spectrum is my daughter, an attractive single woman in her thirties. As an introvert she doesn't welcome the attention she gets and doesn't really go out and socialise but I hope she won't end up going into middle and old age alone.

My mother, left by my father when she was in her 40s, showed great strength of character by going out and re-training after years of being a SAHM. She was determined to be strong and get out there in society without disappearing - she used to talk (mystifyingly) about her 'public image' - I think I finally have some clue what she was on about.

@villageshop your mum sounds lovely :-) fwiw I'm newly single and so not cocooned. But being in a miserable or abusive relationship is more lonely than being single. And I feel perfectly happy to be single forever if I don't meet the right person because being alone is wonderful too. And you're not necessarily respected more for being part of a couple. Happily the work and social life i am in doesn't give you that kind of shit!

It is a kind of armor, being part of a couple.

I agree it can be, if it's a great, happy couple. But also that that protection and safety is often a delusion, that makes people (and I think particularly women, often for financial reasons) be scared to leave bad relationships, and live in continuing misery with a cheating partner, a raw deal regarding the division of housework, childcare and free time, or abuse - which can be financial/emotional/low-key enough or covert enough to leave a woman unhappy but not an obvious victim.

This is why so many single middle-aged women report that they are happy and have a sense of a new lease of life, even when they've been left by their partner for someone else, and thought their "life was over" until they realised it was actually more fun. I've seen that on here and in RL over and over. I've also read that there's a big rise in middle-aged women walking out of relationships to be single, not because of an affair on either side.

That doesn't mean it's a walk in the park, and I don't think the thread has been totally one-sided, but I do believe freeing yourself from the perceived need to be attractive to men or be in a relationship makes a lot of women happy.

I dont feel diminished despite spending too much time on the fat shaming threads

Im 44 ten stone lighter than i was in my 20s but bra shopping is harder at a 32HH hair is long thick and still dark because i have it coloured . i actually get more attention than i did when i was younger . Im a size 14 i was a 28 I tend to prefer older men anyway DH is 23 years my senior others have been 22 years my senior and 17 years my senior. i either got ignored in my 20s or abused in the street usually by men my own age which didnt endear me to them tbh. Some of my experiences as an overweight person shows that women are thought of as "lesser" no matter what their age. Its made me very distrusting of men my own age................oh God ive literally just realized that while typing this.

i would NEVER EVER use a dating site EVER. But on the whole im happy.

the diet industry celeb culture and mens high expectations are incredibly toxic for women.

I don't think a woman can find happiness if happiness is defined by having a man. Women need to take pride in themselves, their job, their home, foster their interests and their friends. Then they have their own lives and identity to be confortable with whether a man comes along or not.

So very well said Raindrops. Post divorce I waited till I reached the place you describe before looking for another relationship. I love my partner but if it ended tomorrow I’d be fine and happy. I’ve had a real mid 40’s renaissance and I love it

@CaptainCardamom so very well said!

Whoops @Americantan just realised I unintentionally copied your words!

I'm 48 and I feel ace.

Work great, respected and know what I'm doing. Can choose my hours and could sack it all off if felt like it.

Mortgage paid off so no money worries.

Kids doing well, intensive child rearing years passed so can just enjoy them now.

Relationship with husband has calmed down into a partnership and friendship really but we are both good with that.

Have a strong core of friends I've known for ever and some new ones I can just about squeeze in if they are very worth while.

Absolutely give no fucks what anyone outside of all this thinks about me.

Reclaiming my feminist tendencies so determined to go militantly into my later years standing up for women.

@HelenaDove I agree that young men can be cruel and mindlessly judgmental. The worst thing is th fairy tale we are sold in which there is The One so we are pressured to seek approval until we learn not to give a shit.

That doesn't mean it's a walk in the park, and I don't think the thread has been totally one-sided, but I do believe freeing yourself from the perceived need to be attractive to men or be in a relationship makes a lot of women happy.

That has brought a tear to my eye CaptainCardamon Great post. Thank you.

These are mostly heart warming positive stories but there's no denying that this is not the case across the whole of society. There's not a great representation in the media for example , older female tv presenters etc disappear off our screens after a certain age

Great minds UnRavelling

I was worrying a little about this a couple years ago and then I happened to go to a flagship M&S store on the outskirts of town that I'd never been to before.

For some reason it's frequented by a certain type of woman I don't see much of in my town, which is very young and studenty.

They are mostly aged between 50-60 and wear clothes I would have considered too sexy at 45, but they nearly all look amazing and very classy.

It really bolstered my confidence and I often sneak out there if I need outfit inspiration!

sounds like a post by a mgtw angry little misogynist man.

I should add that I know at least three separated mums in their early-50s at my DC's school who have been having a whale of a time on Tinder for the past couple of years.

They are all quite 'ordinary' looking and mostly date men in their 30s (so the age-issue can work both ways)!

vomit at perky boobs. whatatimetobealivethe way you said never had children and thats the difference is strange because by that logic you never were useful or valuable anyway.

Your value is not diminished! Middle aged women are beautiful and have all the confidence, intelligence and life experience to shine! Own it and laugh off those who don’t embrace your fabulousness. Don’t let media portrayals get you down. This is your prime!!

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, but I don't feel remotely diminished by being a middle-aged woman. This is the best time of my life, seriously. Yes, things are harder in some ways but for the most part, you could not pay me enough to turn back the clock and have to live my early life again. No thank you.

I'm confident, I'm free, and I'm happy being me.

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently , I’ve always been used to attention male and female over my looks and kind of got used to it and noticed since I’m getting to late 30s like is has zero impact , it’s a horrible thing to admit to yourself that it mattered to you abt the time . I’ve noticed a sort of invisibility now I’m nearly 40 in shops and out and about it’s like I’m not there , I’m not sure it’s a bad thing at all , just different but I admit it’s sort of liberating .