Not to go to my sis wedding??

[chooselove]

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

You sound really childish. I understand why she’s stressed about the dress fitting, how it usually works is that everyone gets measured a few months before (like now) and then you go back a couple of weeks before for a final fitting where they sort any weight loss (or gain). It all sounds very petty.

If you don’t go to the wedding then you’re probably not going to have a relationship with your sister any more (and possibly wider family). You need to consider if that’s what you want.

Yeah sorry but YABU, i would be hurt if i was her, and you literally picked a fight over the use of a word... how petty of you!! Normally im on the OPs side but you seem to think its all about you, weight loss doesnt even matter .. you get resized for that but i wouldnt feel comfortable is a poor excuse , would that mean if you failed to lose weight then you would feel too uncomfortable to be the bridesmaid anymore.

I'm not being childish, I am fine with not being bridesmaid, her decision, her wedding!

I'm upset she didn't talk to me instead she went back to my parents! She knows what my mother is like! I don't think it's fair that I got a phonecall where my own mother is shouting expletives down the phone at me!!!

I think I have every right to be upset!

I agree, you sound childish and as though you expect the world to revolve around you.

It's difficult to see how your sister is manipulative? Could you give us some examples?

I think I would have had the fitting and asked about having the dress taken in if I lose a dress size in weight.

I think the way you said to your sister not to use the word 'wholeheartedly' could be perceived as being controlling, but need more info on your relationship with your sister and how she is manipulative.

And it's up to her who is bridesmaid, even if it's a friend living abroad.

I’m with your sister here. You have given her additional unnecessary stress so close to her wedding. I’m not surprised your mum shouted at you.

You need to apologies to both of them.

You have made this an issue. Your mum didn't need to get involved but she is probably frustrated that you are being hard work and upsetting your sister who hasn't done anything wrong but try to arrange dress fittings. August isn't too far away in terms of dress fittings. My sisters wedding is September and I had my dress fittings for my BM dress in Feb.

I think she was after support and excitement from you after she had text you, but she got nothing from you. You have made the planning of her wedding sound all about you and what you look like. Its her day.

There is no harm in wanting to be a size you are comfortable, but if all the other BMs could make the effort to attend then she probably expected her sister would be bothered.

PP is right, if you don't go to the wedding I think that could be the end of the relationship!

I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

Not sure if that means you didn't reply at all?

That's unfair and a bit rude to your sis who is trying to arrange the hen do.

I I I I I is all I'm getting from the OP

Don't go OP - this wedding isnt all about you.

You can always have the dress taken in if you end up losing weight. You do seem like you are kicking off over very little - but there is clearly some long term resentment going on here about your parents and your sister being the favourite. None of that is stuff that I would be overly keen on carrying into adulthood if I could possibly help it. Is it really worth causing a huge family row over, and missing your own sister's wedding?

You do sound childish, and self centred. And you need to stop ending a every bloody sentence with an exclamation mark.

But something tells me you aren't going to accept any opinion anyone here gives you that is contrary to your own.

It also sounds like it meant a lot to your sister to have you involved and you kind of shat all over it!

Why didn’t you want to go for the dress fitting? It’s usual for alterations to be made nearer the big day.

Get over yourself and grow up. It's actually not about you.

You opted out. Even if you couldn't physically try dresses on, you could have met her or been more involved. Instead you decided you didn't want to be part of that decision, so she looked elsewhere. Sorry, she was hurt, as are you now, but you only have yourself to blame.

What is your problem with the word wholeheartedly? You sound pathetic tbh. You made it all about you and your desired weight gain. I see no evidence here that she has been manipulative or toxic.

Agree with everyone else, your sister had a right to be upset with you

Yabu and ridiculous

You should have gone to look for dresses, it could have been altered nearer the time if you had lost weight.

You told your sister you'd 'do what you can' when asked about being a BM. I'd have felt let down by this.

You didn't reply to a text about your own sisters hen party and now you don't want to go to her wedding.

Why are you trying to ruin this for her?

Wow, YABVVVVVVU. You refused to try on bridesmaid dresses - your sister doesn't have time for you to lose weight before you go dress shopping. You may or may not even lose the weight since you said it is happening really slow, how long do you expect her to wait for? You could have gotten the dress taken in closer to the time once you lost the weight. The wedding is only 5 months away, less if it's early August!

You also didn't bother replying about her hen. She was perfectly right going to your mum to rant. You have some serious apologising to do.

Also, you really don't need to use an exclamation mark instead of a full stop at the end of every sentence.

. This is a full stop.

! This is an exclamation mark.

And enough with the exclamation marks! It makes me read everything with the intonation going up at the end! It is really irritating!

I'm upset she didn't talk to me instead she went back to my parents!

You have no idea what context that was done in. Surely she had to tell them at some point? What's the alternative? They find out on the wedding day? Don't blame your sister for your mother's reaction to the situation.

She obviously got the impression on the phone that you weren't that bothered about being bridesmaid (rightly or wrongly) and that's why she texted afterwards. You were supposed to text back and go 'hell yeah I want to be BM!' but you didn't. She was probably really upset and vented at your mum and the rest is history.
You can either grovel to your sister and explain it was a misunderstanding, or you can avoid the wedding & have half your family avoid speaking to you again. Which is more important, your sister or your pride?

I’m sorry op I agree with everyone else. It was really important to me that my bridesmaids were all happy with the choice of dress. Timescales are massively important when planning a wedding and what if she’s chosen the dress and the. You didn’t like it?

You’re making this about you. And it isn’t.

Agree YABU... it's her wedding day and it seems like you've made an issue out of all of this.