Not to go to my sis wedding??

[chooselove]

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

YABU i'm afraid. Sometimes it is hard to see the wood from the trees when one has a toxic family. On this occasion YOU are the onewho has behaved badly. Your sister asked you to come shopping for BM dresses (perfectly reasonable timing for this) and you said no and basically told her to chose someone else. Then you couldn't be bothered to respond to the hen do invite. You've been very rude to her OP. I hope you can see that eventually.
It's also not your sister's fault that your mum was rude to you. You need to take that up with your mother. First though you need to accept your part in this.

replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud
I would prefer you used the word Would as opposed to wud!
But you see, life isn’t all about what I want no more than it is it about what you want, so just be bridesmaid or don’t, go to hen do or don’t, go to the wedding or don’t.
You come across as being needy and attention seeking in this post, maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what your grumble says to me.

Weddings need a lot of organising, some dresses need to be ordered a long time in advance, expecting the bride to work to your timescale is uncalled for.

Your sister hasn't got her own way at all, her way was having you as bridesmaid and no drama.
Why should she come to you? You have treated her badly and expect her to come back for more?! Of course your mum is upset, no mum likes to see her children argue, especially when one is ruining what should be a happy and exciting time for the other and whose actions threaten splitting the family.
It doesn't matter what she did when she was your bridesmaid. Your wedding, your choices. This is her wedding, so her choices... So her choice was to have all her bridesmaids help decide on the dress and get fitted. That doesn't make her bridezillia. It makes you selfish, jealous and childish.

And before you start "you don't understand" I'm from a very much toxic family, am now nc with my sister and I STILL wouldn't do this.

If she were to be getting married and I was approached to even go let alone be bm (unlikely though that is) I'd clearly but politely decline.

I wouldn't sulk, not let people know what's happening and bitch about what words they use.

As has already been stated YABVU, there is barely any difference between a 10 & a 12 yet you expected everyone to wait on you & your diet? At what point do you expect to be the elusive size 10 & therefore ready for a dress fitting?
Utterly ridiculous & I don't blame your sister for being pissed of.
It would appear that in your quest to become kinder to yourself & stop people pleasing you have become somewhat lost & unable to differentiate between that & being a self centred arse.

I'm not surprised your sister has unloaded onto your mum, you sound like a kid arguing about whose turn it is to take the bins out, not a mother of two. Are you also huffing, sighing heavily and saying whatever while rolling your eyes?

Some people respond to situations by screaming expletives and others respond with the silent treatment.

Both are equally abusive as both are done with the intention of direction against an individual.

You Mum did the first and you did the second. Do you see that OP?

I think you owe her an apology.

I think you are being passive aggressive to your Dsis and making her life more stressful in the run up to her wedding for your own amusement.

If I was your Dsis I would say "Ok, no problem. I'll find someone else to be my BM" and I would do it. I would also say the same thing re the hen party. I'd make it clear that my wedding was going ahead smoothly with or without you.

You are the problem here. Dresses need to be sorted now for an August wedding. They need to be ordered. Adjustments in your weight are sorted a few weeks before by adjusting the dress. You then picked a fight with her over the word wholeheartedly and you then didn't speak to her for a month.

Well, if nothing else you have pretty much sucked the joy out of your sister's wedding day.

If you'd like to go down in family history as anything other than a spiteful bitch you'd better start working on some wholehearted apologies.

You've said what she didn't do for your day, but it very much depends what was asked and expected and how it was handled.

My BM was a little like this. I hadn't the balls to tell her she was no longer the BM, but we didn't speak for about 15 years after the wedding day.

So what if you think she is being a bridezilla or did things differently for your wedding? This is HER wedding, it's the biggest day of her life and she is your sister! For goodness sake stop being so selfish. You are completely in the wrong, and I get the feeling from your last reply that you are somehow jealous of her wedding planning, compared to how yours was.

You have no idea how stressful planning a wedding is do You? Of course she spoke to your mother about it as you have made it clear not to contact her since. You haven't lost the weight you convinced yourself you needed to lose and now you feel crap about it. Is this fallout just your way of taking the limelight off the fact that you feel guilty for not losing weight and therefore blaming your sister for a "fallout" is your perfect excuse not to attend?

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can!

I think we'd all prefer if you didn't write stupid things like wud and l8tr and use so many exclamation marks, since you think its ok to tell people what to say.

You sound like a childish nightmare and you caused this whole mess. I'd apologise if I were you and try not to be such a tit at the wedding.

Yabu. I think this is due to feeling like she's the favoured one.

Refusing to try on dresses because you're a 12 and want to be a 10 is petty. Being irritated by her saying wholeheartedly is also petty.

Her day will come and go, please try and make it nice for her, put yourself out for her. She is your sister. Going back to 'well she didn't do it for me', doesn't make it right. It seems like you are trying to be difficult on purpose.

What you don’t seem to understand is that your sister’s wedding day is not all about you. Bring her bridesmaid is not something she can do for you, it’s something you can do for her.

Your post is very full of what you can get out of it /what’s best for you/

If your history with your sister means you can’t see past that to try to make an effort to do what’s best for her for her wedding, you should have politely declined up front. You treated her very poorly, and made it clear that you do not value her or her feelings.

I was a pretty laid back bride but your actions would have pissed me off no end. Refusing to be fitted for a dress to the necessary timeline, refusing to say whether you wanted to be a bridesmaid, refusing to fully commit to being a bridesmaid - what was your preference to wholehearted? Half-hearted?

I’m not surprised she got fed up with you. How were you expecting your mother not to find out that you’d dropped out (implicitly rather than explicitly) of being a bridesmaid? Did you expect your sister to lie?

I do love it when a thread brings everyone together in harmony!

To add my own opinion - yes, along with the rest of MN, I'd say YABU. You come across as very immature and quite self-centred with a chip on your shoulder the size of a redwood. You seem to be projecting the resentments you have dragged with you from childhood (she's the favourite / she went to mum and dad / she used a long word) and you're holding them up like a banner of injustice. From what you've said, you're not hard done by, just resentful and need to do a bit of growing up. Perhaps there's a massive drip feed coming where your sister's manipulations are described in detail, but if your post is fairly accurate? No.

Oh and to echo the pps- PLEASE don't communicate in text speak, it makes you sound illiterate.

Sadly I think you were being unreasonable here. She is your sister and this is her wedding day. I'd say apologise and make amends.

What are the other list of commands? So far it’s just a dress fitting?
The clue is in the name, Bride’s maid, the title comes with some jobs, it is normal to be asked to carry out some jobs to help the day run smoothly

YabsssoooooU and you sound 14.

I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour
So because you ""might"" drop a dress size you are totally disinterested in looking, having a fun day out shopping, even indicating any preference

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand
So she had a moan and you threw your rattle out the pram and told her to go and pick new friends. Even the whole "it would be ok with me" suggests to her that you don't give a damn about her of her wedding.

I'm not surprised she's upset.

You can’t even spell ‘ would’ and you have a problem with wholeheartedly . I think you’ve been uneccesarily selfish and made things difficult for your sister , it’s clear you couldn’t give a toss about being her bridesmaid , asking you to go dress shopping is hardly bridezilla.

I agree with PPs. It sounds ridiculous that you wouldn't shop for a dress because you might drop a single dress size before the day. Even if you have good reasons for this it is her wedding and it's not far off so I think you should have put her wishes first. Everything after that sounds like you were picking fights based on past hurts and resentments.

So far you have had over 50 total strangers (who don't know you or her so can be objective AND have only heard your side of the story) come on here and tell you they think you are in the wrong. Are you going to listen?