Not to go to my sis wedding??

[chooselove]

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

You made things difficult, you first suggested not bring bridesmaid, by refusing to accept the term 'wholeheartedly ' you've suggested you're going to be a half arsed bridesmaid, you've made a conscious decision not to respond to her. You sound like a total nightmare.

cud? wud? l8r? Seriously?

YABU. The wedding does not reveille around you.
I commend your sister for avoiding your drama and just dropping you as BM.

Don't go. You have already given her enough stress and trouble. It's her wedding, not a cater it to your needs event. She doesn't need someone there who'll ruin it for her.

YABU. You wouldn't go and try on dresses, even though it's really not a big change going from a 12 to a 10.

She's not sure you're really interested in being a bridesmaid, so you complain about her use of the word 'wholeheartedly' and say you'll do what you can. Very reassuring.

You don't reply to texts about the hen night because the plans didn't suit you. (I think?)

Whatever the history here, you've been difficult and unenthusiastic. It sounds like you've got a massive chip on your shoulder about things being right for you, and not compromising on anything - fair enough, but there are better times to make a huge show of this than someone else's wedding. The fact you're now 'heartbroken' and considering not even going to the wedding just confirms this impression.

I'm not being childish, I am fine with not being bridesmaid, her decision, her wedding!
That’s the problem though. Your sister wanted you to be her bridesmaid, but you acted childish and and bratty not wanting to be fitted, then not replying to her hen do text because of something your mum said. Your sister didn’t even say anything to you. Then you focus on the word ‘wholehearted’. Maybe your sister emphasised that because she sensed you weren’t really into being her bridesmaid at all. You’ve made this all about you. It’s your sisters big day. TBH, the only person that sounds toxic is you

So you refused to go bridesmaid shopping, refused to have fittings. You suggested she got a different bridesmaid, made an issue of her using the word wholeheartedly, you didn't contact her for a month after this, refused to reply about hen party, are taking out what your mum said on your sister and assigning her blame by proxy.... You say she is favoured, you come across as jealous of your sister to me. You have sucked the joy and love out of her wedding, you are the one who appears manipulative.

My advice, apologise to you sister and work on being a nicer and kinder person.

OP, you should have gone dress shopping - it's unfair to make the bride wait for your diet! And you didn't reply to two of your sisters when they contacted you.

I think you handled it wrong from the outset. Even if you wanted to lose weight, where was the harm in going along to look at dresses. Your sister was probably really excited about going to choose the dresses and her own sister couldn't be bothered to go because she wanted to drop a dress size!

You could have bought a dress and had it altered, your reason for not going was ridiculous.

This is your Sister's special day, your actions have done nothing to show that you are happy for her.

I agree with PP’s, it sounds like your sister felt that you were being a bit dismissive of the bridesmaid situation and wanted a full commitment for you or at least wanted you to show some excitement. If you were declining this due to how you felt can you not see that this would have upset her?

Even though you say that you are excited, you have basically made the condition of being a bridesmaid on your terms and even told her to find someone else if that doesn’t suit her.

As someone who comes from a toxic family situation, I wouldn’t want to comment on your family situation but I can see that you have put a barrier up. It is still important to see the role that you play and modify it If you have want to continue a relationship with your family.

I had her as my bridesmaid, she didn't do anything, didn't expect her either, picked a day got the bridesmaid dress she wanted etc she never came to any of my dress fittings etc didn't receive a gift from her etc

The word "wholeheartedly" I felt this was used that if I couldn't do one of her long list of commands that she wud throw "wholeheartly committed " back in my face.

I have no problem with her having her friend as bridesmaid that lives abroad.

She's turned in to bridezilla & I don't want the stress. She has always gotten her way.

I wud have preferred if she cud have come to me instead of getting my parents involved. I don't want to be bridesmaid now and I don't want to be getting expletive phone calls from my mother either.

There seems to be history here which I think is colouring your view. But from what you have posted I understand your sister being stressed about the dressses they tend to have a long wait on them and I think there was some miscommunication about you being a bridesmaid. I agree with pp I think it came across like you weren't that bothered/your own life was to busy. Yes I can see she should of been clearer but I don't see how she manipulated the situation I'm afraid. Your mum was going to find out at some point. As for the hen doo you didn't reply, you didn't call anyone, you didn't say anything you were wrong I'm I my opinion if you were upset you should have just spoken to either of your sisters. Not replying made it look like you were sulking. Your mum should have stayed out of it but her reaction isn't your sisters fault. I would bite the bullet call your sister and talk like adults! Do you really want to miss a big day in your sisters life to prove. Point?

My bridesmaids didn’t come to my dress fittings or buy me a present. But I bet she at least came to pick her bridesmaid dress which is more than you have done.

This is how you spell it: would.

You have been acting like a spoilt brat, this situation is purely because of your own petulance and self-obsession.

Looking after yourself is not the same as being a bitch to everyone else. Ever heard of compromise?

I used to work in wedding industry. If she's ordering bm dresses through a traditional boutique measurements and orders are usually taken a MINIMUM of 6 months in advance. Plus for fabric colours to match properly they need to be from the same fabric batch.

So you not wanting to get measured at the right time REALLY Messes things up.

Weight loss/gain is normal and dresses can be taken in up to 3 sizes.

These things are not cheap or easy to plan PLUS she's got everything else to sort. You were FAR from helpful - in fact a hindrance.

You THEN didn't contact her or anyone else regarding the wedding arrangements for OVER A MONTH!!!

Hen do's ALSO require a fair bit of co-ordination, organisation and expense and you threw a spanner in there too!

If I'd been your mum - I'd have called you and given you a kick up the arse too!!

Do what you want to do, but it is VERY unreasonable and somewhat controlling to keep people in limbo.

If you were my sister I'd be withdrawing your invite.

Call your sisters and mum and apologise, accept you won't be bm and who she chooses as bm is UP TO HER and support her.

You've messed your sister about with the bridesmaid dress fitting - the shop probably needs all the measurements to be cracking on with them. They will have plenty of other orders they need to fulfill and having to go back and do an extra dress much later on is far from ideal. You should just have gone with the others and asked the shop about having it taken in later on, if necessary.

Then you didn't reply to her text where she was clearly asking you if you were committed or not to be a BM and said "you would do what you could". Well you're either in, or your're out. And as you were less than committed on the phone and ignored her subsequent text she obviously decided you were out.

I don't think your DM is particularly taking your sister's side, but I imagine this has been a bit of a blow to your sister and of course she would confide in her mother about a problem with her wedding!

If you really throw your toys out of your pram to the extent of boycotting the entire wedding, prepared to lose your entire family over it.

To be fair your talking about dropping one dress size not 4 so you could have just gone shopping and had it taken in by one size if you need to closer to the wedding. You just added stress that wasn't needed

*later

*text

You didn't reply for a whole month?

To apologise or clarify?

Did you expect your sister to just sit around waiting for you?

If you don't care for your sister enough to go to her wedding then don't!

You just aren’t being very nice. Your attitude is selfish and immature.
It’s her wedding.
Aside from wanting you to buy a dress and wanting you to show some enthusiasm for being a bridesmaid, I don’t see what she’s done wrong, you can hardly expect her not to discuss these arrangements with her mother.
You asked if you are being unreasonable and the overwhelming view is that you are.

YABU, both for your attitude and for writing in text-speak.

I remember sorting out the bm dresses for my wedding it was a total pita, and I only had 2 but finding a fit/style that suited both was a challenge and I am also very organised, so got it done early, so I didn't have to worry about it closer to the day.

Why couldn't you just have gone, I would have been pissed off if I got that half arsed response from my sister and then after sorting things out she corrected / told me off for my wording in the text. You sound jealous and pathetic.

It's her wedding why shouldn't it be as she wants??

Maybe she vented to your dm, because you upset her? I know I would have done, not to get my sis in trouble but because me and mum are close.

You sound selfish and self absorbed, all the things you seem to be saying of your sister, perhaps you need to look in the mirror. You have been unkind and put a cloud over her wedding and don't be so selfish as to not turn up because your mum told you off, if you don't go you will ruin your relationship with your sister forever.

"I had her as my bridesmaid, she didn't do anything, didn't expect her either, picked a day got the bridesmaid dress she wanted etc she never came to any of my dress fittings etc didn't receive a gift from her etc" so this is payback?!

1. YABU for using so many exclamation marks

1. YABU not to attend the wedding. To be honest, your weight loss is far from the most important thing about the wedding. Why should your sister have to put her plans on hold until you've lost weight? She must have been excited and happy about the prospect of choosing bridesmaid dresses until you rained on her parade by saying you wouldn't be involved until you had lost weight. I think that was really unfair of you, and she was probably very hurt. No wonder she wanted you to commit to wholehearted support when you'd already shown her that you considered your weight loss to be more important than her wedding preparations.

I think you need to grow up a bit, you aren't in the school playground.