Not to go to my sis wedding??

[chooselove]

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

Grow up, stop using txt spk, and apologise to your sister.

Get a grip. You've caused the issue by being awkward about the dress and picking fights over words. Apologise and try to set things right.

"wud?"

I have to agree that even if op's family is genuinely toxic the whole situation has still been very poorly handled by op.

If the bride is difficult to handle you don't accept being bm in the first place or you POLITELY AND GRACIOUSLY let her know you think it best you no longer be bm.

You don't throw toys out the pram and sulk!

Are you 12?

YANBU for refusing to go to your sisters wedding. From the sounds of it they will all have a much better time without you so you will be doing her a favour.

Sounds to me like you have come from at best a dysfunctional family and you have grown up enough to realise you have a mind of your own and don’t want to be told what to do anymore. I can empathise with that. I think this will hopefully make the rest of the family take a bit more notice.

OP - AIBU

MN - absolutely

OP - no I am not

What does that tell you b

You're not addressing any of the comments OP.

You have been a PITA. You sound very self involved and like you're just longing to play the martyr.

You need to grow up and apologise to your sister.

Weddings bring out the very worst of people at times. Trying to coordinate bridesmaids shopping trips are hard! I can understand why sis was annoyed that you were being obstructive. It's meant to be a nice day out and you perhaps put your needs above hers? The whole things seems to have spiralled needlessly, and perhaps you holding on to certain things such as the word 'wholeheartedly' is unnecessarily dramatising things.
She's your sister. For longer than that one day. Meet with her and be prepared to wipe the slate clean. If you miss her wedding, I would fear that the consequences would be far reaching for a very long time.
Good luck whatever decision you make.

*Well, if nothing else you have pretty much sucked the joy out of your sister's wedding day.

If you'd like to go down in family history as anything other than a spiteful bitch you'd better start working on some wholehearted apologies.*

I think this statment is very true.

I can't help but think you're not going to accept what everyone on here has said, and ultimately will not acknowledge to yourself that you have in fact behaved very badly in this situation.

The consequences of this in terms of your future relationships with your family are likely to be very long standing indeed, if you continue your current stance. You will be seen as the spiteful bitch for all eternity, and/or end up nc with some or all of your family, if you do not accept responsibility and apologise for your behaviour.

I wonder whether it would be worth you going back to therapy for a while? It's a positive thing to explore how to be 'kinder to yourself', but it's also equally important to explore how to be kinder to others. Especially in situations where there are longstanding resentments and power struggles, which I suspect exist in your relationship with your sister.

I

** Sorry, failure of bold type in my previous post

You are being a bit of a dick both in your initial behaviour and your refusal to acknowledge it ok AIBU

I’m going to assume you’re quite young.

You sound very dramatic - as evidenced by the multiple exclamation marks.

YABU.

So you said you didn't want to go dress shopping, would understand if she wanted someone else to be a bridesmaid, told her you were not committed to being a bridesmaid, and then went silent on her.

And she's the unreasonable one for picking another bridesmaid???

I can only think you have nothing else going on in your life to need to create such a drama over this.

But that's not what you want to hear is it OP? You were hoping everyone would side with you and say your sister was a crazed bridezilla. Oh dear, that's backfired hasn't it!

This is all a bit bizarre. You started by saying how excited you were she would go dress shopping and then when she asks you to go bridesmaid dress shopping you say no and you don't mind if she gets another bridesmaid? Then you drip feed about how she acted about your wedding....

Very odd.

You’re a diva, not your sister.

You sound jealous and attention-seeking.

I’m assuming your nose is out of joint because your sister is in the spotlight.

My advice: grow up, learn to spell full words, apologise profusely to your sister for kicking up a fuss because you’re so focused on yourself, and don’t attend the wedding if you can’t just be a decent person and not cause unnecessary drama because of your jealousy and insecurities.

I wud say u wer unreasonable and u cud and shud apologise to ur sister l8r

"I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!"

I think you've gotten over the problem (if there really was one) of putting other people first and not valuing yourself.

Do you like your sister? Or have you been the sensible therapied one who passively holds a grudge against her because in your words she's your mum's favourite?

This btw doesn't make you a terrible person but merely human. Some things run deep and it's our job as adults to recognise that and try to counter balance it....like here you could contact your sister directly say sorry for your flaking and ask if your still welcome at the wedding? You might not like your sister but you do love her and watching her get married would be nice. So play nice.

Yabu, all you had to do was say yes you will definitely be her bridesmaid. She was obviously worried you would let her down closer to the time because you couldbt even go pick a dress. A size 12 is a nice size. Wjat if you didn't lose weight? Would you not be her bridesmaid cause you wouldn't feel comfortable as you said?..also why couldn't you just say yes to the hen do? If you are a bridesmaid and you are as happy as you say then I don't get why you didn't jist say yes?

Oh and sometimes mums get exasperated with their adult children and lose their cool. Not devil people just again human.

'Wud' - would
'Ppl' - people
'L8r' - later
'Bcuz' - because

It's not only what you're saying that makes you sound like a 12 year old, it's how you're saying it.

I really sympathise that you have experienced a toxic childhood and upbringing. It isn't nice and difficult for people to understand. I am also glad you have had therapy. Therapy can help make sense of many things you have experienced. However, your sister's wedding is not the hill from which you make a stand. You say you are genuinely upset about this and not going to her wedding - so there is some love there.

Her wedding day is about her. If you were a really laid back bride and asked very little - then that was your choice. Your sister seems to have wanted to you to go and pick a dress. You could have the alterations down much later on. You didn't need to pick this battle. And you definitely don't need any of this drama - it isn't good for anyone is it?

Now you have to decide whether to limit the damage - some of which you have done. Think about what you want long term.

it does warrant pointing out when she posts in teen txtspk.

It's not teen text speak: phones do predictive auto-complete. It's older who can't figure out autocomplete, and are still living in the 1990s.

You don't get to dictate timescales because you want to look your best for someone else's wedding. You behaved like the bridesmaidzilla and it is very odd. And fwiw, if my sibling was being an utter knob, I would have moaned about it to my mother also.