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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go to my sis wedding??

152 replies

chooselove · 27/03/2018 12:34

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

OP posts:
MyLearnedFriend · 27/03/2018 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sashkin · 27/03/2018 14:05

I’d ask for a refund from that therapist if this is the result. You’re acting like a spoilt five year old.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/03/2018 14:15

Firstly, full stops are usually used at the end of sentences, not exclamation marks.

Secondly, if you don't think you've done anything wrong here, then why do you expect her to keep your behaviour quiet from your parents?

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 27/03/2018 14:18

What SleepingStandingUp wrote.

lalalalyra · 27/03/2018 14:20

Bridesmaids dresses need to be chosen, even if your specific one wasn't ordered right now, well before an august wedding. Especially with more than one bridesmaid because you have different shapes and heights to consider.

When exactly did you think that you'd all go shopping for dresses if not now?

And it's not remotely surprising that your Mum has got involved. If one of my DD's ended up dropping her sister as a BM then I'd want to know why...

YourVagesty · 27/03/2018 14:23

I don't understand why you don't like the word 'wholeheartedly'?

LillyputLane · 27/03/2018 14:23

Yes I'm sure as a size 12 you'd have looked vair hideous at a bridesmaid dress fitting Confused

I was 7 months pregnant when I had to be fitted for my dress for SILs wedding - she asked if my fitting could wait as I was due 6 months before the wedding, but was told by the shop that my dress had to be ordered at the same time as the others to guarantee a colour match, as they get cut from the same fabric roll.

If she had waited to order all of them after I had DS they couldn't guarantee them being ready on time.

I felt ridiculous at the fitting, but I didn't bitch and moan, I went along and smiled and supported my SIL.

YABU

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/03/2018 14:26

I don't understand why you don't like the word 'wholeheartedly'?

Probably because it’s difficult to write in text-speak therefore the poor op has to actually spell it out...

RoryHatesCoffee · 27/03/2018 14:26

You lost me after the first fifty exclamation marks and spelling would as 'wud'.

DancesWithOtters · 27/03/2018 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2018 14:42

holhartdly U

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 27/03/2018 14:43

Probably because it’s difficult to write in text-speak

Wholeheartedly? Hulhutdly would work.

Emma198 · 27/03/2018 14:46

Really is there any need to be nasty about her spelling and grammar? She's clearly being unreasonable but so is everyone taking the piss out of her.

Original poster
chooselove · 27/03/2018 14:47

I was a size 16, I've been losing weight since the summer, she requested I lose some for her pics.

The other bridesmaids are size 8 including herself. The girl she replaced me with is a size 8, she didn't need to do dress fitting because she lives abroad & won't be back until July to get fitted.

I needed to lose the weight & I'm glad I did.

She has found someone else to be her bridesmaid & that's brilliant.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 27/03/2018 14:48

I'm wholeheartedly impressed with the number of replies because I can't make head nor tail of the OP.

If @Unforgiving2 's summary is correct then YABU.

Graphista · 27/03/2018 14:48

None of that update negates the fact you need to apologise and accept you were out of order.

QuantumPixies · 27/03/2018 14:50

I agree with everyone else. You are totally out of order here.

MrsLupo · 27/03/2018 14:53

Well, I'm going to go against the grain a bit.

I can't really tell from the OP who is being unreasonable here, and certainly it seems like there's a tremendous amount of backstory that hasn't been included. But what I do know from experience is that if you come from a toxic family where there is a pecking order or a set of roles that individual members are expected to stick to in every situation, then other family members tend to resist it vehemently when one of you (the OP in this scenario) tries to, for instance, stick up for themself, step out of a role that has been imposed by others, or avoid being manipulated. If the OP has been in therapy and working on her self-esteem, I think there are many, many families where this would cause a vicious backlash. If this is such a family, then the OP deserves a great deal of sympathy, in my experience.

Whether skipping the wedding is the right thing to do, OP, only you can decide. Maybe you should wash your hands of the lot of them. Or maybe you should go as just an ordinary guest (not a bridesmaid), hold your head up and show them how to behave. Or maybe you should suck it up, apologise and be a bridesmaid after all, and save the soul searching for your therapy sessions.

I think we need a lot more information before people can really get to the heart of who is being unreasonable and what best to do about it.

flowerslemonade · 27/03/2018 14:53

I don't understand why you wouldn't go to the dress fittings, it probably would've been a lovely day out as well as important for her and to get the dresses ordered.

I don't understand why you would tell her to pick someone else and you didn't mind. That's really offensive, as it's pretty much telling her you don't care about being a bridesmaid.

You don't have to answer this but I'd ask yourself it honestly - did you want to mess things up?

Because if so, congratulations, you have.

It basically looks like losing weight from a 12 to 10 was more important to you than being there for any of the wedding preparations and being there for your sister.

Can you imagine how it would've felt to her to hear you say to pick someone else and that you didn't mind?

You should be putting her first, it's her wedding. And how did you expect your mum not to get involved if your sister is upset about it, should she lie and cover up the fact you're not a bridesmaid any more? There's no way she wouldn't be able to tell her.

If you don't want to go to your sister's wedding because of how you were spoken to by your mother, a separate person who she has no control over, that says it all. Honestly I think you should stay away and let her have a nice day. Failing that, phone her up and try to sort it out, and STOP behaving like this, it's cruel.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 14:53

Really is there any need to be nasty about her spelling and grammar? She's clearly being unreasonable but so is everyone taking the piss out of her

There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with her spag when she chooses to use it, so yes, it does warrant pointing out when she posts in teen txtspk.

QuizzlyBear · 27/03/2018 14:54

Really? Your sister TOLD you to lose weight for her wedding photos? Sorry but if she had, I think that's the resentment you'd have led with Hmm

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2018 14:54

She's turned in to bridezilla & I don't want the stress. She has always gotten her way.

No, actually you sound like a bridesmaidzilla! It can take 6 months for dresses to be ordered, all bridesmaids due for fitting and you are changing the plans because you're self centred and ridiculously dramatic. Your dsis ended up upset and let down by her drama queen sister who decided to make the wedding all about her. You're the toxic one! Confused

Totsntantrums · 27/03/2018 14:58

But what I do know from experience is that if you come from a toxic family where there is a pecking order or a set of roles that individual members are expected to stick to in every situation, then other family members tend to resist it vehemently when one of you (the OP in this scenario) tries to, for instance, stick up for themself, step out of a role that has been imposed by others, or avoid being manipulated.

But this is not what’s OP did! OP gave the silent treatment to her family members and that in itself is a toxic behaviour. It OP really wanted to step out of her role, the appropriate response would have been to politely decline the hen party.

Teutonic · 27/03/2018 15:02

Cud
Wud
L8r
!!!

My eyes are bleeding just trying to read it.

OP, you need to grow up. As others have said, dresses can be altered. One dress size isn't going to make any difference to an experienced dress maker.
As far as I can tell there is nothing 'bridezilla' at all about your sister, it sounds more like she is trying to bring everything together as smoothly as she can. You on the other hand sound like a spoilt brat.
If I was your sister I think I would be relieved if you didn't attend my wedding due to wondering which toys you're going to throw out of your pram on the day itself.

Walkaboutwendy · 27/03/2018 15:08

You come across as quite passive aggressive op. I think casting yourself in the role of victim is misleading. Your sister tried to do a nice thing and you've effectively tried to sabotage it by trying to control things on your terms rather than being supportive. But then you become all obsequious and say 'oh but it doesn't matter about me' so people are supposed to think poor you. That is manipulative on your part. Whether you admit that to yourself or not is up to you but playing the victim won't wash.

It's not them it is you.

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