Not to go to my sis wedding??

[chooselove]

I'm heartbroken, had a falling out with my sis!

She asked me to be bridesmaid which I was delighted with! She lives the other side of the country & I have two kids! I've have travelled to see her dress fittings & overall super excited for her!

I started a diet want to look my best for the wedding, I'm a size 12 but wud love to be a size 10, (losing weight but finding it a bit slow!)

Anyways she was putting pressure on going bridesmaid shopping, I told her I wouldn't b comfortable atm trying on dresses but for her to go ahead with the other bridesmaids & pick the style, colour, I cud get fitted nearer the date that the shop needed my measurements, she's getting married in August!

She wasn't happy with me so I said to her if she wud prefer to find someone else that lived closer & that wud b able go to all the bridesmaids shops she had planned that wud b ok with me, I wud understand...

I had a heartfelt conversation with her on the phone & thought everything was fine, that she understood where I was coming from!! She kept mentioning the word "wholeheartedly" throughout the conversation & afterwards I received a txt to say wud I be "wholeheartedly" committed to being her bridesmaid!

I replied I wud prefer if she didn't keep using the word "wholeheartedly" but I wud do what I can! She replied "just forget about it"
I didn't bother contacting after that....

A month l8tr:

Received a txt from other sis arranging hen night with all the bridesmaids on it! She chose a friend who lives abroad! I didn't reply cos wanted to make up my mind & what was right for me!

It's only when I had a family of my own I realised how toxic my family was! My mum has always been difficult & my dad who is lovely goes along with her for a quiet life!

I had therapy last yr & it helped me see things in a clear way, I was always putting ppl first because I was conditioned not to value myself! I respect & love myself too much now to let them treat me the way they used to!

Anyways had my mother ring me the weekend call me every name under the sun, accused me of breaking up the family, requesting I'd btr make an Apology to my sis!

I will definitely not be going to her hen because she got our parents involved, my mum has taken her side which she always wud because she's the favoured child!

Worst thing is I never thought she was like my mum & unfortunately now I can see she's learned all the manipulative techniques from her!

I don't want to go to her wedding now because of the way I was spoken to by my mother! It has taken the joy & love out of it!

I can’t believe you refused to go bridesmaid dress shopping with your own sister. Now you are acting the victim when it’s you that was rude and hurtful to her.

Your sister probably got your mum involved as a tiff that should have resulted in you calling her the next day, ended up in a one month sulk.

Your mum was wrong to shout but it doesn't sound like you communicated well with your sister. If you wanted to be her bridesmaid you should have sucked it up and gotten measured. Then mention it to dressmaker so an easily adjustable design could be selected.

I think you should just cut off all communication with your family. They will be a lot better off. They would be...

I’m wondering what kind of therapy you had if it made you so unco-operative and self-centred? Does anyone else feel that therapy sometimes encourages this kind of me-first thinking?

You know OP, you really don't sound "heartbroken". You sound like a spoiled baby who wants everyone to dance to her tune.

Balaboos I'm wondering similar. Not all therapists know what they're doing. Nor recognise or acknowledge that their client is the problem.

I wholeheartedly think you need to apologise to your sister.

YABU.

No, therapy doesn't do that.

It's really clear from OP's posts what's going on to anyone with a brain, someone else noticed it earlier.

Her sister did all of this to her and worse, and their mum never intervened. Clearly there is a pecking order here, clearly OP has upset it.

OP your real problem is that you still care about them too much. Only a very fast speaker would be able to get multiple expletives down the phone at me. You don't have to tolerate someone speaking to you like that just because they're your mother. Hang up next time someone tries that on you. Trust your instincts more.

You should have told your sister clearly you didn't want to be a bridesmaid any more when you started getting bad feelings about it with the "wholeheartedly" stuff (I don't know because I don't know any of you, but you were probably right that she was going to use it to control you). That's the only thing you did wrong, but it's hardly the crime of the century considering she messed you around worse when you were planning your wedding.

It also seems like you care too much about being bigger than your sister and her friends. If you'd been thinner would you have gone to the fitting? It sounds like you were too self conscious to go before you lost weight, and you didn't realise your sister wouldn't and couldn't wait for that to happen. You shouldn't wait either, don't put your life on hold because of your dress size.

Get back in therapy, tell them about all of this. This is an absolutely terrible place to ask for advice as you can see.

You prioritised your diet over actively involving yourself in her wedding planning dress shopping with the bridesmaids is a big part of it shame you weren't interested

OP I'd love to be the one poster here to disagree with all the others and say you were not being unreasonable.
But I can't. You are.
Apologise to your sister, and ask how you can make amends.

Poor sister. She probably couldn't give two hoots whether the OP is a size 10, 12 or 24. She wanted her as her bridesmaid.

Then OP comes over all Vicky Pollard with her hunz and lolz and OMG-ing and refused to go to the fitting. Super immature and childish, totally self-obsessed and it's all me, me, me and I, I, I.

OP. If you love your sister, if your BIL rang to tell you she was in an accident and unconscious in hospital, would you get straight in the car to be with her, ring her, tell her you love her, apologise for making a mistake about the dress fitting and her choice of words.
Life is too short.

Your mother is a separate issue. I’d talk to my mum about anything just like my siblings would too - and she’d tell me if I was in the wrong. But it’s not right that she shouted or swore. You can tell her you accept what she said but not the way she spoke to you. Don’t counter the toxicity with identical behaviour.

She has always gotten her way

Its her wedding! That's pretty much how it works.

You sound like a top grade brat, it's not your wedding..... time to be a little more generous and a little less memememe

Op, you should have gone to the dress fitting to get a size 12, and once you’ve lost the weight they can adjust it in.

You have asked AIBU

Most posters on here say that YABU, but you don't seem to be willing to take this on board or even compromise your view slightly.

It sounds like your resentment of her has been building a long time which is pretty normal if she is the golden child. The problem is that you lashed out against her 'wants' unreasonably here rather than doing so when she genuinely was in the wrong.

That makes you look the one completely in the wrong. In a toxic family you pick your battles, ignore it and try to fake it or go nc if bad enough. There is everything right about challenging when its warrented.

Had your opening post been 'aibu to stand up to my sister when she insisted i lose weight to be her bridesmaid' then yanbu would be unanimous. Instead you were spiteful. You acted disinterested, then text a passive aggressive text (whether intentional or not that is how it will have been read) then did the silent treatment. That is just as toxic as the yelling.

Should your mum have sworn at you? No but your sister was right to inform them of your actions rather then lie or fake it. Both you and your mum were unreasonable and rude. Your history with your sister is clouding your judgement.

You lost me at l8tr

Because her bridesmaid was not about you - she wanted you to partipate in the experience of going into bridal stores together. A wedding is usually the only time you can do that. I think you said you are not going to the wedding because of the way your mum spoke to you. Really? I’m sorry but you sound hard work.

Did people miss that these two sisters live at opposite sides of the country and the OP has two children. Is she expected to just drag her kids on long journeys at her sister's command?

I don't think you can call the OP a bridesmaidzilla when she has said she would go along with whatever was chosen, colour/style whatever.

She's gone on a diet and lost weight at the bride's request. Quite a commitment and I think quite rude of the bride to expect people to do this to fit in with her "image" of the wedding photos.

Do you all think the friend flew over from wherever she lives for a shopping trip?

Running telling tales to mummy is hardly what you'd expect of an adult and the mother should have kept her nasty abusive thoughts to herself.

OP you are better off without them.

Op, without knowing both sides of the story, I'm finding it difficult to decide who is being unreasonable.
What I will say though is that you would have more than likely received a completely different reaction on MN if you hadn't had them all pearl-clutching at your text speak. I don't mind how you write your op but just be aware that anything less than perfect spelling and grammar and standard English produces a weird prejudice on here and you were never going to get an unbiased opinion.

Did people miss that these two sisters live at opposite sides of the country and the OP has two children. Is she expected to just drag her kids on long journeys at her sister's command?

If you really can't make a single dress fitting then you say that, upfront and early on. You don't, as OP has, drag it out into the most drama possible.

AIBU? All posters - YES. OP - No I'm not.

My sister did something similar to me, she sed she would lose weight & wanted a smaller dress I didn't give in a made her have the size she was at the time, I had said that if she did lose weight I would get dress altered.
So be it she didn't lose the weight but put weight in and almost never got in the dress, it was a nightmare trying to sort a wedding, please everyone else and also feel like your own sister isn't helping

Lisa she hasn't said she can't make a single dress fitting so not really relevant.

curious86 but the OP has lost alot of weight, she's gone down two dress sizes. Your story seems to indicate that forcing your bridesmaid to have a dress that fitted them well before the wedding didn't really work out that well so the OP is probably right to wait till closer to the date.

Different if she lived locally, could go and pick the dress and then go back in a month or two to sort out the size but as she is far away and only one visit then doing it closer to the date makes sense.