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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB and his Fiance

157 replies

n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 08:48

I'll try to be concise, just after some reassurance im not AIBU?

Back story:
So my DB has been with his now fiance for 8+ years and engaged for 5. They have a child who is 18months and are due to marry in August this year.

My DB is 7yrs older than me and up until he met the fiance we were very close considering the age gap. Only when he was at Uni and when i was at uni did we not really make contact - too much partying.

Since she came into the picture, i did try very hard with her initially but didn't get anywhere. I'd ask how she was, what had she been up to, how was work, etc. I soon grew tired of making 110% of the effort and gave up after 2-3+ years. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

Fast forward to now. I have nothing or very little to do with my DB, i have made it clear to him as things have progressively got worse with the fiance, that i would prefer it if i only saw him (and now niece). Basically, so i don't upset the precious one and then get it in the neck myself.

I happen to be staying at my DM's on Friday whist she is away. My DB has not met my dogs and i thought it would be nice for my niece to meet them. So, I have invited DB and my niece over. I have two dogs - one calm and gentle, the other energetic and excitable, both love children and of course will never be left with my niece alone. My DB's fiance did not like the old family dog and made it clear buy shooing her away. Luckily, the feeling was mutual and the dog stayed well clear... (whats that saying about always trust a dog's instincts...) I have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes! We have made a lot of progress in the two years we have had her since we picked her up as a pup from the rescue centre.

He has asked why i hadn't extended the invite to the fiance. I explained again - dogs. I said if she did want to come then ok, but be aware if you're not a dog person, etc. I also explained my DM will be looking after my two dogs in June for 4 days whilst we go away for a week and she may need assistance with the dogs and it might be nice if he met them before June. She won't, but it thought a good excuse.

I have explained on many occasions to him that whenever i have met his fiance. I feel i am made out to be the baddy despite going out of my way to be nice. I never get anywhere so i made the decision a few years back i wouldn't have anything to do with her as it only caused more upset for everybody but mainly myself. It got to the point where i wouldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her - i was then told off for joining in. I would then join in and ask how she was only to be told off again. So you see i cannot win.

Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs? She'll only make a big deal of my energetic and excitable one and i have to say with pregnancy hormones running wild i don't think i could or would refrain myself from unleashing a shed load of verbalness at her.

Aside from this - im due in August. I live in a narrowboat. When baby is born - am i AIBU to not want her to meet my baby? Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

I just feel like i'd be a hypocrite. I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'... Why should i put myself through it?

Am i being totally AIBU?

I could say alot more about the fiance, but am not sure if she uses this MN and it would be outing. The stuff i have said is the least outing. She is viscous and manipulative.

OP posts:
Sarsparella · 27/03/2018 08:57

People don’t have to like dogs, I’m confused tbh why you think it’s such a big deal for her to meet your dogs, it wouldn’t occur to me that I’d need to introduce someone to my pets

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/03/2018 08:58

I don’t even know where to start here. Laughable you think you’re nice to the fiancé when you refer to her as ‘vicious, manipulative and has nothing between the ears’. Why on earth would they think it’s nice to meet your dogs Hmm. Even more ridiculous to not let your child meet their aunt because they may ‘comment’ on your ‘energetic’ (is that dog speak for spirited?) pet.

T2517 · 27/03/2018 09:01

Without even starting on the other stuff you’ve said about her - stop being so precious about your dogs. Some people don’t like them. Maybe make an effort to be accommodating and stop being so judgey all the time. I have a dog who can be temperamental and high energy, so when people who don’t like that come over we shut her away. You’re deliberately excluding this woman and isolating her from her own family. Maybe look at that more closely and worry less about the dogs.

DancesWithOtters · 27/03/2018 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanillaPriscilla · 27/03/2018 09:06

She is your DBs partner
The mother of your niece
Don’t exclude her , that’s just horrible

ShweShwe · 27/03/2018 09:06

I love dogs. I have dogs. What I truly cannot stand is other people's 'spirited' dogs. You think your excitable and badly behaved dog is endearing - trust me on this - everyone else thinks it a complete pain in the arse.
What's all the nonsense about 'being made out to be the baddy'? For what and by whom? It all sounds a bit dramatic on your part and I can't help but feel sorry for the fiancee.

KC225 · 27/03/2018 09:11

Read back your post and look at how you described his fiancée and how you have described your 'energetic' dog.

Not everyone has to be best friends but there is a time and a place to be civil. You really don't want her to meet your baby? How do you think that makes your brother feel? Your niece? I get that there is bad blood there but maybe the two of you can reach a happy neutral place for the sake of the children. Can your brother or mother negotiate some terms?

OakIsBetterTho · 27/03/2018 09:11

You sound ridiculous, judgemental and nasty. She's the mother of your niece ffs, stop being a twat.

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/03/2018 09:14

I’m confused by your post tbh

thedevilinablackdress · 27/03/2018 09:16

YABU

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 09:16

You sound horrible. I'm not surprised she steers clear. You rate your brother, is his judgement that poor? I'm guessing not.

EenaMinaMoe · 27/03/2018 09:17

Sure. Exclude her from family gatherings. Just don't expect to see your brother and niece much either or for your child to have much of a relationship with cousins. If your DB is any kind of reasonable man he won't go to family socials where his sister is prioritizing her badly behaved dog over his wife.

Idontdowindows · 27/03/2018 09:17

Wow.

An "energetic' dog? You mean an untrained, badly behaved one. If your dog cannot be taught to be calm around others, it's not energetic, it's badly trained and badly behaved.

Also, you are being really nasty about the woman your brother has loved at least for the last 8 years and who he has a child with.

You don't come across very well here at all.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/03/2018 09:18

Sorry no reassurance from me either. YABU and sound like a nasty piece of work.

Look at how you are describing the woman your brother has chosen to spend his life with, have a child with and is due to marry.

I am fairly certain she won't give a shit about meeting your dogs if she is not a dog person. However I do think your DB will give a shit about how nastily you treat and refer to his fiancee!

HoneyBadger32 · 27/03/2018 09:18

I think you need to get a bit of perspective.

MagneticMan · 27/03/2018 09:20

I think you're incredibly rude cutting your brother's fiance out of the visit. Unless there's some massive drip feed coming it doesn't sound as though she's done anything wrong. I can't stand my SIL but I'd never try and cut her out of family meet-ups.

YABU

LIZS · 27/03/2018 09:21

She doesn't have to meet your dogs but you are using it as an excuse . If they are not too boisterous for a toddler, or your new baby, I'm sure she could cope or choose not to visit, but you deliberately excluded her. You don't have to take them everywhere and could have met her afterwards on neutral territory if that was the real issue. Are you going to the wedding if your edd is also in August?

Merryoldgoat · 27/03/2018 09:21

This sounds like a load of unnecessary drama. Literally no one cares about your dogs except you. And that’s fine.

I don’t understand how SIL not meeting your baby fits in.

I feel like you need to be honest - you don’t like one another and that’s fine. Just stop the drama and detach except for big occasions.

SuburbanRhonda · 27/03/2018 09:21

You sound like you dislike her but love a bit of drama. Grow up.

Boulshired · 27/03/2018 09:22

You haven’t really given any information as to what exactly is so wrong with her which after reading people can only respond to you and your views. Not everyone like dogs and that is certainly not a crime. Read back what you have written.

MrsGrahamNorton · 27/03/2018 09:24

I think you might be the problem here.

Arapaima · 27/03/2018 09:25

YANBU to not invite her and use the dogs as an excuse. Either invite her, tell her the dogs will be there and it's up to her whether to accept the invitation. Or go properly non contact with all three of them - your brother and niece too.

You're putting your brother in a very awkward position.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2018 09:26

Going out of your way to be nice perhaps comes across as if you don’t like her

Fruitbat1980 · 27/03/2018 09:27

Christ. Where do I start?
YADBU.
Agree with others. Annoying dogs are annoying. Other people’s annoying dogs are VERY annoying.
She may be a cow bag but it doesn’t sound like you are very welcoming. I suggest if you want an ongoing relationship with DB & niece then you suck it up and find some common ground to be civil with her. Making up excuses to not invite her is not going to end well.
Wait till baby is here, then you’ll know how annoying dogs can be? Especially when you have little kids around. Two dogs and a baby on a narrow boat?!. Lordy.

MrsSkeffington · 27/03/2018 09:27

I agree with the above posters - If this was rewritten from her point of view we'd be saying she had a dp problem and to go nc with you.
Also on a side note that's not reluctant to your post - narrow boat, two dogs, one 'excitable' and new baby = nightmare scenario. Fully expect to see a post totalled aibu to rehome my dog.