DB and his Fiance

[n1mechange87]

I'll try to be concise, just after some reassurance im not AIBU?

Back story:
So my DB has been with his now fiance for 8+ years and engaged for 5. They have a child who is 18months and are due to marry in August this year.

My DB is 7yrs older than me and up until he met the fiance we were very close considering the age gap. Only when he was at Uni and when i was at uni did we not really make contact - too much partying.

Since she came into the picture, i did try very hard with her initially but didn't get anywhere. I'd ask how she was, what had she been up to, how was work, etc. I soon grew tired of making 110% of the effort and gave up after 2-3+ years. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

Fast forward to now. I have nothing or very little to do with my DB, i have made it clear to him as things have progressively got worse with the fiance, that i would prefer it if i only saw him (and now niece). Basically, so i don't upset the precious one and then get it in the neck myself.

I happen to be staying at my DM's on Friday whist she is away. My DB has not met my dogs and i thought it would be nice for my niece to meet them. So, I have invited DB and my niece over. I have two dogs - one calm and gentle, the other energetic and excitable, both love children and of course will never be left with my niece alone. My DB's fiance did not like the old family dog and made it clear buy shooing her away. Luckily, the feeling was mutual and the dog stayed well clear... (whats that saying about always trust a dog's instincts...) I have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes! We have made a lot of progress in the two years we have had her since we picked her up as a pup from the rescue centre.

He has asked why i hadn't extended the invite to the fiance. I explained again - dogs. I said if she did want to come then ok, but be aware if you're not a dog person, etc. I also explained my DM will be looking after my two dogs in June for 4 days whilst we go away for a week and she may need assistance with the dogs and it might be nice if he met them before June. She won't, but it thought a good excuse.

I have explained on many occasions to him that whenever i have met his fiance. I feel i am made out to be the baddy despite going out of my way to be nice. I never get anywhere so i made the decision a few years back i wouldn't have anything to do with her as it only caused more upset for everybody but mainly myself. It got to the point where i wouldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her - i was then told off for joining in. I would then join in and ask how she was only to be told off again. So you see i cannot win.

Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs? She'll only make a big deal of my energetic and excitable one and i have to say with pregnancy hormones running wild i don't think i could or would refrain myself from unleashing a shed load of verbalness at her.

Aside from this - im due in August. I live in a narrowboat. When baby is born - am i AIBU to not want her to meet my baby? Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

I just feel like i'd be a hypocrite. I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'... Why should i put myself through it?

Am i being totally AIBU?

I could say alot more about the fiance, but am not sure if she uses this MN and it would be outing. The stuff i have said is the least outing. She is viscous and manipulative.

Well, I am s bit confused about the whole thing tbh.
By pushing away your sil, you are pushing away your brother and their child.
In honesty, very few people are interested in someone else’s pets.
You are not the most important woman in your brother’s life anymore. It all sounds a bit exhausting.
In terms of not outing yourself, if she is on here, you would be pretty recognisable anyway.

In her position I'm not sure I would want my 18 month old near your "excited" dog anyway so it might work out well for you that she won't come over.

I am also a bit at your post. Sounds like the 2 of you just do not get on, and your personalities are not compatible. You can't leave her out though, that is a bit mean. She may struggle with talking, and may be nervous and anxious. She is good enough for your brother, so is that not enough for you?

As for the dogs, I agree with a pp. Some people think their dogs are awesome and amazing, and cannot fathom why SOME people are not keen. I have lost count of the amount of times someone's fucking mutt has come running at me (when I have been out for a walk,) and knocked me over, or slammed me against a hedge, or covered me with mud! And all the 'owner' says is 'he won't hurt you!' Or they laugh! I don't care how lovely and friendly you think your dog is, I am not interested in him/her!

So yeah, she is quite entitled to not be interested in your dogs, and shoo them away. I know it's not the dogs fault, but they do sound very badly trained. And as for saying you don't want her to meet your baby? Words fail me.

And what about your 'energetic dogs' around your baby? Are you sure you want them around when a small, vulnerable baby is around? Especially on a tiny narrowboat where there is no room for your SIL!

YABU. You can't exclude your SIL.

I feel sorry for your brother. Can't be easy for him, all this childish shit. Are you by any chance a bit jealous of your SIL? You do sound it.

You are the problem.

You figured out early on that she has cotton wool between her ears, but can't imagine why she's not that keen on you? Gosh, it's a bit of a puzzle.

She must have some good qualities if your brother has been with her for seven years and chosen to make a family with her, and it doesn't sound like she's a manipulative weirdo. Warn her about the dogs, for sure, but not everyone has to like them. And maybe try to rebuild a relationship with her, you don't have to be best friends but it's mean to try and exclude her from what is now her family too.

If you carry on in this vein you won't be seeing your DB or your niece.

Sounds like a contrived event to exclude somebody.

I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB

Maybe she is vulnerable, has esteem issues and he is supporting the mother of his child?

Personally, I am still trying to get past the vision of you, partner, 2 dogs - one very excitable - and a newborn living on a narrowboat. 🤔 misses point of thread

Wow. YABU.

Sorry OP - but you seem a bit strange.

Do you think anyone actually cares about being “introduced” to your dogs

I’m not a dog person at all and would definitely shoo away a dog that started sniffing round he irrespective of how spirited or docile it is.

And as for not wanting her to meet your baby because you live on a married boat? WTF?! If you have the space to keep two dogs on your boat then I’m pretty sure it’s wide enough to accommodate the size of a human.

You don’t come off well at all and to start excluding her from family occasions would be quite spiteful and as has been said, I doubt your brother would want a relationship with you if that’s how you treat his future wife.

And how is the mother of a child ‘sponging’ if she is supported by the father?

Some people are not dog lovers as am I, I wouldn’t want to see someone hurt them and I wouldn’t have one, just my opinion.

I would would say your masking your dislike for your brothers partner by justifying it with the fact she dislikes dogs, and quite frankly I dislike your use of the sentence there isn’t much between the ears which is a disgusting terminology, seriously sort yourself out.

Sorry have I read this differently to everyone else......you only want your brother and niece to meet the dog and not your SIL, is that right?

YANBU, you've tried with her, she obviously doesn't like you, just separate yourself from her.

I genuinely lol'ed at "Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs?" and it only got better when you described her as "viscous".

You sound like you need to grow up.

Bet that dog ends up back in the rescue too. Can’t bear selfish people who get dogs then get pregnant when they patently live in an environment unsuitable for dogs and children to mix.

Thanks all for the comments, i have extended the invite to her to be clear.

My dog is going to obedience classes and i have worked extremely hard to get her to this point. I will continue to work on her behavior and I am well aware some people do not like dogs. BTW the dog gets more than enough exercise before people jump on me about that - 1.5+ hour walks a day, majority off lead plus play time at home. I am precious over them as i seem the dogs as my family and they mean the world to me.

I did try extremely hard with my brother and his fiance and did cut myself out of the family for many year as i got fed up with the nasty comments from her. I'm willing to do it again, but am trying not to as i know it very much upsets my DM and DB, yet neither have considered how hurtful her comments or actions have been in the past. As i said in the post i have not included all events, therefore you are not getting the full picture but do appreciate all your comments.

No one cares about your smelly, badly trained dogs. No wonder your SIL can’t stand you.

I don't think you are unreasonable not to invite her to meet the dogs - you have one in training that is high energy (not nec badly trained or poorly behaved just bouncy and in training as you have stated - even trained dogs are not guaranteed to kow tow and be miserable in the corner. I have a well trained energetic dog that can make people who are crap with dogs nervous even if she does nothing).

As to can't do right for doing wrong, you don't have to like her, just greet her and move on, if you are hosting make sure she has food and drink. Just because there isn't much between the ears doesn't mean she can't be a reasonable person. Maybe because you have certain thoughts about her in your head you come across differently to how you expect. If you try too hard to be nice it can be seen as condescending or aloof even. Just try neutral and ignore the "you should have done this that or the other folks I mean why they know about your issues I don't know.

As to your own baby - she prob won't come on the boat anyway if the dogs are around and frankly if I had a visitor I knew was poor around dogs I would find somewhere for the dogs to be other than where they were - even if they were sent to a friend for the day given there are not many places on a boat to put them. You should have some separation for them anyway when baby comes to avoid unecessary risk when baby is sleeping.

You have to accept that your DB will marry this lady and you will have to try and get on with her for the sake of your DB and DN.

I think your family's rule that you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to isn't ideal. In order to live a relatively calm and peaceful life it is pretty important to learn that one can't have ones own way all the time and it is possible to be polite to a person one does not wish to be close to (can come in handy with colleagues, clients, neighbours etc). It's part of being an adult and your parents have done you a disservice not teaching you how to go about it.

Also your thread is really outing despite what you say. I can't imagine SIL will find it very hard to identify herself/you from what you've said. I hope i'm wrong but it feels like you're sending her a message...

I think the op is right tbh. Why invite someone round to meet the dogs if they don't like dogs?? Bizarre.
My niece has a horse, my dd & I are going to see this horse at the weekend. My son doesn't care for horses so he's not coming with. It's not like he's missing out as he doesn't want to see the horse. Why would the db fiancée want to go over and meet the dogs when she hates them. I'm not getting it.
As for the rest of your relationship and your unborn dc meeting their soon to be auntie well I do think that's a bit over the top and odd. I doubt she's going to shoo the baby away so you'll be alright there.

Do you understand that not all relationships have to be all or nothing? That just because you aren't likely to be best friends with someone doesn't mean you cut them out completely, especially if other people are involved. You learn to be polite to different people, the same as you must be to work colleagues or will have to be to the parents of your child's friends.

Her "crimes" of not liking dogs and being a bit quiet and unsociable (possibly because she was having a tough time being bullied, something you seem to think should add to her list of crimes) are nothing compared to the drama you are making by not inviting her and the awful way you describe her. She hasn't actually done anything to you, being someone you don't really like isn't doing something to you, whereas you have been actively unpleasant.

Act like she is a work colleague, be polite but stop expecting a best friend/sister, and stop with the drama. Try to view it as practice for the school playground!

Do you not see it’s possible you bring this on yourself with your attitude?

I speak as the owner of an 'excitable' (for which read manic terrier, trained as much as she will be but still given to yapping, jumping, leaping about and chasing anything that runs) dog. I fully understand that she's too much for most people and I either hold on to her or shut her away when people who aren't used to her visit. I adore her, but anyone who doesn't understand dogs is going to be terrified. So shut your 'energetic' dog away when your SIL visits.

I get where you're coming from. You miss your DB. You miss the relationship you used to have. He's replaced you with his girlfriend and now he's going to marry her, and I'm afraid you just have to suck that up. It will never be the same again, even if he visits you alone. Let them visit your baby but maybe send the dogs out somewhere with someone for a walk when they do (I'm assuming you have a DP or friend who can help with the dogs when the baby is tiny). Your mum and your dogs? He's probably not going to pop over when they are there.

You will feel differently about your dogs when the baby is here.

I bet LOADS of people don't like your 'excitable' dog, OP. I am an animal lover, but I would never want the faff of a dog, and one that was leaping about all over the place would bug the hell out of me. No one would know though, because I'd smile and grin and ruffle it, hoping it would fuck off soon.

Not wanting your SIL to be included in meeting your baby is horrible, no two ways about it. As if you haven't accepted the choice your brother has made. HE will be hurt by that, never mind her. You are clearly missing something between the ears yourself if you don't realise that your brother chose this woman, and would almost certainly choose her over you also.

As i said in the post i have not included all events, therefore you are not getting the full picture but do appreciate all your comments.

Well if you actually wrote a post about how your sil has behaved badly towards you, instead of irrelevant waffle about your dogs, perhaps people would be more sympathetic. That ship has now sailed unfortunately.

OP
Can you give some examples of what your soon to be si l has done or said?has she got on with the rest of your family?how is this relationship with your db?