DB and his Fiance

[n1mechange87]

I'll try to be concise, just after some reassurance im not AIBU?

Back story:
So my DB has been with his now fiance for 8+ years and engaged for 5. They have a child who is 18months and are due to marry in August this year.

My DB is 7yrs older than me and up until he met the fiance we were very close considering the age gap. Only when he was at Uni and when i was at uni did we not really make contact - too much partying.

Since she came into the picture, i did try very hard with her initially but didn't get anywhere. I'd ask how she was, what had she been up to, how was work, etc. I soon grew tired of making 110% of the effort and gave up after 2-3+ years. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

Fast forward to now. I have nothing or very little to do with my DB, i have made it clear to him as things have progressively got worse with the fiance, that i would prefer it if i only saw him (and now niece). Basically, so i don't upset the precious one and then get it in the neck myself.

I happen to be staying at my DM's on Friday whist she is away. My DB has not met my dogs and i thought it would be nice for my niece to meet them. So, I have invited DB and my niece over. I have two dogs - one calm and gentle, the other energetic and excitable, both love children and of course will never be left with my niece alone. My DB's fiance did not like the old family dog and made it clear buy shooing her away. Luckily, the feeling was mutual and the dog stayed well clear... (whats that saying about always trust a dog's instincts...) I have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes! We have made a lot of progress in the two years we have had her since we picked her up as a pup from the rescue centre.

He has asked why i hadn't extended the invite to the fiance. I explained again - dogs. I said if she did want to come then ok, but be aware if you're not a dog person, etc. I also explained my DM will be looking after my two dogs in June for 4 days whilst we go away for a week and she may need assistance with the dogs and it might be nice if he met them before June. She won't, but it thought a good excuse.

I have explained on many occasions to him that whenever i have met his fiance. I feel i am made out to be the baddy despite going out of my way to be nice. I never get anywhere so i made the decision a few years back i wouldn't have anything to do with her as it only caused more upset for everybody but mainly myself. It got to the point where i wouldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her - i was then told off for joining in. I would then join in and ask how she was only to be told off again. So you see i cannot win.

Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs? She'll only make a big deal of my energetic and excitable one and i have to say with pregnancy hormones running wild i don't think i could or would refrain myself from unleashing a shed load of verbalness at her.

Aside from this - im due in August. I live in a narrowboat. When baby is born - am i AIBU to not want her to meet my baby? Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

I just feel like i'd be a hypocrite. I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'... Why should i put myself through it?

Am i being totally AIBU?

I could say alot more about the fiance, but am not sure if she uses this MN and it would be outing. The stuff i have said is the least outing. She is viscous and manipulative.

I think if you explained the situation fully people might sympathise. I don’t like my DB wife or DB for that matter due to bad behaviour towards myself, my other brother and my parents. My Sil is a stuck up bitch but I wouldn’t exclude her if I wanted a relationship with my db( which I don’t but if needs be il tolerate them)

I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'...

But that isn’t how you were taught is it? The situation upsets your DM.

Why should i put myself through it?

Because if you love your DB and DN you would accept she is part of their lives and be civil for their sake. To do anything else is really selfish.

Is it legal to have 2 dogs on a barge all the time? isn't it cruel? i'm imaging them going crazy only being allowed to walk 6 paces before turning around and walking 6 paces back?

They can't be outside for long period of time unless you tie them to your boat surely?

You need to sort your wild dog out before baby comes. get it trained to behave better or get rid. Its a dangerous situation.

As for the rest of your post

1. you sound like you fire questions at her, and not everyone wants to tell strangers about what they had for breakfast.
2. You don't like her but I'm guessing that's because she has no time for you.
3. I smile at other dog walkers and other mums pushing babies I pram but I don't like them. I love my own and that's it. Don't be thinking people love your dog I would plaster a smile on my face and say its fine when your rogue dog jumps up on me - dogs never jump on their owner do they?

@Mightymucks neither of them will be going back to rescue.I couldn't and wouldn't want to do that. I feel the same as you.

As i said they are both good with children. She just gets overexcited initially.

Sounds like you never thought she was "good" enough for your brother and resent her as he news gives her more attention than you.

As an aside is a narrow boat a suitable environment for a new born and two dogs?

You don't sound very pleasant. If someone snubbed me by leaving me out of family gatherings, and said they were aware that there "wasn't much between my ears" I doubt I'd want much to do with them either.

Your brother has a child with this lady and they're getting married. He obviously loves her and cares for her, so your nasty attitude isn't going to do you any favours. He's not going to pick the sister who is nasty to his wife.

OP I think you need to explain a bit more. What has she actually done? Can you give some examples of some of the nasty comments? At the moment this isn't really clear.

If it's just that she doesn't make much effort to be pally with you (and is wary of dogs) then that's a shame, if you hoped she'd become a friend. But she doesn't have to be. If she's actually nasty/offensive then that's different.

What does your mum think of her/the situation? Your last post indicates your mum was upset at you cutting off your SIL.

. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

I can't think of one reason why she doesn't like you OP? There are no clues at all....

What a ridiculous thread .

I really hope you get Wendied by the dogs and the fiancée.

has it ever occurred to you the reason she didn't give much back in terms of conversation, struggled to keep jobs and such like is due to self esteem issues/shyness?
I have seriously struggled over the years to talk to my brothers wife, not because i dont like her, i do, a lot, but because i'm SO worried about saying something stupid i find i easier not to speak.
Similarly, i've struggled to keep jobs despite being highly qualified and capable because I have dyspraxia and my ability organise myself is non-existent.

the point is, she might not be as bad as you think.

@KarmaStar

No she does not got on with the rest of my family. She has upset my DM on many occasions including snide comments about my DMs work and lifestyle as she works term time and is semi-retired, but spends breaks in Spain since my DF passed away. DM supports them both alot when around with childcare, financially and with home renovations, but has also had comments to say she otherwise.

DF before he passed away did not get on with her. Although never had anything said to him she never made any effort. DF went out of his way to include her in family events and holidays at his own cost but not even a thanks ever came from her.

My relationship with DB is OK now, we get on very well if we are 1-1.

If she is included then i always manage to upset by asking what i would consider an innocent question like how is work? I have tried to get to know her interests but is not forthcoming i.e. i enjoy knitting and she was learning at one point so i would ask had she made anything recently and just get a no response - with nothing else only to be told i had upset her with my question. I then went the opposite and stop trying to ask and got told off for creating an atmosphere as i wasn't talking much. Just felt like i couldn't win. I wasn't trying to be nasty but was trying A) not to upset her or cause an issue and B) protect myself

From reading your posts I think it sounds as if you have resented your brothers gf for coming between the close relationship you once had. You may not like her but if you are not careful you will lose your brother.

What @crimsonlake said ^

Be careful.

YABU and unhinged.

YABU.... sorry but you sound a bit horrible.

You dont have to be best friends with your family. But you do need to be civil. You cant exclude them like you are because she didnt like a dog.

My sil didnt like my dog. We didnt see each other often, but if db was invited to something we invited her too....and guess what....we put the dog away so she wouldnt be scared of him.

You dont want sil to meet your baby....but you expect to see her daughter but shes not allowed to be there when you do.... in what world is that fair or right? If i were her I'd be telling db to have strong words with you...and I wouldnt allow my dc to see you until you got your head out of your own backside.

and on a final note.... Your energetic dog isn't everyone's cup of tea. I wouldn't want my dc to be around someone else's energetic dog. I say this as someone who now owns one of the most energetic and giddy dogs ever. He is fine with my own children, (though never left alone), and I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt another child, but he is giddy and could accidentally hurt one. (big paws, strong tail wag) so he is put out of the way if we have visitors...that way no-one shouts at him, and no-one gets scared of him.

The stuff i have said is the least outing

Bloody hell - how many women with a pregnant SIL who doesn't like her and lives on a narrowboat with two dogs can there be?

I don't really understand the dogs thing - you've had one for at least 2 years and now you think it important to introduce them to your brother?

You don't have to like SIL, nor she you (or your dogs), but all this drama is likely to eventually push your brother further away.

@TheOriginalEmu i have and i don't always talk work to her. I tried to take an interest in her activities. I.e. she started learning to knit, i knit but not very well and asked if she had made anything, how she was getting on, did she need a hand, etc.

I'm not overly qualified certainly not in comparison to my DB. I've worked very hard to get to where I am. I have worked in all types of roles from the ground up and I would never frown on anybody for doing any job.

If you asked my DH to bring over my 18-month old to "meet your 2 dogs", especially knowing one of them is excitable, I'd block it.

I have a small dog who is very sweet. However, he doesn't like DC. When we have young visitors we put him away. You should be keeping your dogs away from her. Good luck with your SIL if it bites her.

have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes

Can't think of anything worse, I read 'excitable' as bloody annoying!

Sounds like a difficult situation,you could invite her a let her decide,then nobody can blame you for 'shutting her out'.Have you ever say down with your db and asked him if there is anyway you and si l could build a reasonable relationship?you don't need to be best friends,just acknowledge your differences and be polite?hopefully there is a way forward for you all.Good for you for opting for a rescue dog too

It's obvious you don't like her. That's fine, you don't have to like her - nobody likes everyone in their life, after all.

But she's not going to go away. She's your brother's fiancé and they're getting married in a matter of months. Your children are going to be cousins. So the best thing to do is be polite and civil. Continue inviting her - if she doesn't want to come, that's her choice, but at least you can't be accused of excluding her from things. But maybe she doesn't want to be all pally with someone who clearly doesn't like her!

This is one of those threads where I’d love to hear the other side of the story.

Oh dear, what a messy situation.

Clearly you and your SIL clash dreadfully. Cutting yourself out of the family sounds overly dramatic. Wanting your SIL to meet your dogs yet not your baby is odd. She could meet your baby if you went out for lunch at a pub, where space wouldn't be an issue.

Some people - perfectly nice, lovely, kind, fun, clever, brilliant people - don't like dogs. Some people don't 'get' dogs. Some people don't understand how much a person can love their pet, and to some, the thought of an animal being part of the family, is utter preposterous and you might as well say the same about a sofa or a lump of cheese for all the sense it makes to them. Accept this.

Your brother has chosen this woman, they have a child together and they will spend the rest of their lives together. She is family now. You don't have to love her or like her but you do have to get on, and that might mean ignoring her every barb and extending invitations to her too. Accept this.

It must be extremely hurtful to your brother that you don't want to see his fiance, and you will only have a relationship with him on your terms - ie preferably without her presence. How would you feel if he refused to have anything to do with your partner, wouldn't discuss them, didn't want them to visit or meet his child? What if your partner went to visit their sibling with the dogs and your baby and you weren't welcome?

@ATurnipOfMyOwn i've relocated gone travelling and he has started a family so no I've not seen him in 2 years.

Many people live on narrowboats with children and dogs. There are 4 families in my marina at the moment. It's just a different lifestyle.