Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB and his Fiance

157 replies

n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 08:48

I'll try to be concise, just after some reassurance im not AIBU?

Back story:
So my DB has been with his now fiance for 8+ years and engaged for 5. They have a child who is 18months and are due to marry in August this year.

My DB is 7yrs older than me and up until he met the fiance we were very close considering the age gap. Only when he was at Uni and when i was at uni did we not really make contact - too much partying.

Since she came into the picture, i did try very hard with her initially but didn't get anywhere. I'd ask how she was, what had she been up to, how was work, etc. I soon grew tired of making 110% of the effort and gave up after 2-3+ years. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

Fast forward to now. I have nothing or very little to do with my DB, i have made it clear to him as things have progressively got worse with the fiance, that i would prefer it if i only saw him (and now niece). Basically, so i don't upset the precious one and then get it in the neck myself.

I happen to be staying at my DM's on Friday whist she is away. My DB has not met my dogs and i thought it would be nice for my niece to meet them. So, I have invited DB and my niece over. I have two dogs - one calm and gentle, the other energetic and excitable, both love children and of course will never be left with my niece alone. My DB's fiance did not like the old family dog and made it clear buy shooing her away. Luckily, the feeling was mutual and the dog stayed well clear... (whats that saying about always trust a dog's instincts...) I have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes! We have made a lot of progress in the two years we have had her since we picked her up as a pup from the rescue centre.

He has asked why i hadn't extended the invite to the fiance. I explained again - dogs. I said if she did want to come then ok, but be aware if you're not a dog person, etc. I also explained my DM will be looking after my two dogs in June for 4 days whilst we go away for a week and she may need assistance with the dogs and it might be nice if he met them before June. She won't, but it thought a good excuse.

I have explained on many occasions to him that whenever i have met his fiance. I feel i am made out to be the baddy despite going out of my way to be nice. I never get anywhere so i made the decision a few years back i wouldn't have anything to do with her as it only caused more upset for everybody but mainly myself. It got to the point where i wouldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her - i was then told off for joining in. I would then join in and ask how she was only to be told off again. So you see i cannot win.

Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs? She'll only make a big deal of my energetic and excitable one and i have to say with pregnancy hormones running wild i don't think i could or would refrain myself from unleashing a shed load of verbalness at her.

Aside from this - im due in August. I live in a narrowboat. When baby is born - am i AIBU to not want her to meet my baby? Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

I just feel like i'd be a hypocrite. I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'... Why should i put myself through it?

Am i being totally AIBU?

I could say alot more about the fiance, but am not sure if she uses this MN and it would be outing. The stuff i have said is the least outing. She is viscous and manipulative.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/03/2018 11:20

I lost it at "viscous"😂😂😂

DistanceCall · 27/03/2018 11:21

I don't think op is coming back.

Nope.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/03/2018 11:36

You sound like a PITA and so does your dog.

Baubletrouble43 · 27/03/2018 11:42

Er yeah. YABU. don't blame the woman if she doesn't want her 18 month old around your dog either I wouldn't.

SilentEm564 · 27/03/2018 11:53

I agree with lots of previous posters, OP can't seem to accept that her DB has his own family now and she's not his no.1 anymore. It's a shame she can't be mature enough to just be happy that her DB is happy.

Original poster
n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 12:06

@Mightymucks sorry to disappoint no dreadlocks although do like them, lead an ordinary life, wear normal clothes, normal colour hair, ok have a few tattoos but all hidden.

@TheJoyofSox I've not actually ever excluded her, i have invited her. I've excluded myself from events.

@FizzyGreenWater I don't live local to my DB, i have never excluded her. Over the years i have seen DB a handful of times of his own out of his own choice as we happen to be in the same city at the same time - normally for work. I've never asked for her not to come alone just because.

@creambun2 I'm here.

@Baubletroube43 i completely understand. I've suggested to my DB that my DP and takes the energetic dog out for a long walk to tire her out first. If at all i was concerned i would not introduce my niece to her. My other dog is very lazy and is very very calm, so lazy in fact i struggle to get him to move from bed! As i said, both are good with Children but the energetic dog does get overwhelmed to begin with. I would absolutely hate and i would be mortified if one of my dogs scared a child - i know too many people that have been scared by dogs and that is why i am very conscious of training and putting measures in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 12:15

Thank you all for comments, i will see my DB and his family . I have asked if they would like lunch and if my niece has any dietary requirements. I take all comments on board and i will try to be a better and supportive sister, i will see how things go. I may suggest to the fiance that perhaps we should wipe slate clean, start fresh and take it from there (although this has happened via my DB previously).

If at all dogs present a problem i will of course move them into another room.

I am not an absolute cow, i don't think i have put this down on paper very well. I have tried really hard, but as i said don't seem to have got very far.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/03/2018 12:18

Whatever you feel about her, and whether that is right or wrong, you are going to probably have to choose what is more important - excluding her, or having a relationship with your DB and DN

Original poster
n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 12:32

@Branleuse, I would like to move forward. I'm not asking to be best buddies but we shall see. Civil with them both is enough but that needs to work both ways.

I have just remembered, but I don't want to stir another bashing, but is food for thought. There were two occasions in the past i was excluded and specifically asked by my them both not to attend two separate events where all other family members on both sides were invited. This was a long time ago and before the majority of problems started.

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 27/03/2018 12:32

YABU. So many things wrong with your post. So many.

Nobody cares about your dogs.
They have been together for years - keep your nose out. She is the mother of your niece. The mother. Please review where you sit in the pecking order in the situation. You are not entitled to any relationship with your niece if you offend the mother or make the situation difficult.
She doesn't have to like you or be your best friend. And she's pretty savvy to be honest, based on your comments about her.

Go away and leave them in peace. You are a troublemaker. I can't stand family like you.

kyrenialady · 27/03/2018 12:40

I wouldn't want to meet your dogs or talk to you much either.

YABU

FinnegansCake · 27/03/2018 12:48

I think it sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other, it’s unfair to give the OP a bashing while assuming that her SIL is completely blameless.

Yes, the OP comes across as both judgemental and somewhat precious, but her SIL sounds ungracious and socially inept. Each of them needs to learn to be more tolerant of the other, for the sake of the DB who is caught in the middle and who, presumably, loves them both.

Winchester13 · 27/03/2018 12:53

You’d don’t have to be good friends just b big civil and polite will be enough so that you can still have a relationship with your brother. Don’t take it personally that she doesn’t like dogs, some people don’t or are scared of them.

SatsumaCrazy · 27/03/2018 12:54

People come on here and moan about MILs but in my own experience the worst relationship I have within my DH's family is with my SIL. I think the DW/SIL can be both perfectly normal and get along with everyone else but clash massively. Perhaps this has happened here.

I have never had any problems with my brothers wive's, who are both a bit older than me but my DH's younger sister absolutely hates my guts. If you asked her she would probably say that I came between them and she never sees him. That's true to some extent. The truth is, in the past I have not put up with her spoilt crap impacting on my own life. My SIL used to call all the shots as to which restaurants we ate in, what time we met, where we were going and basically we all had to tip toe round her as she was MIL/FIL's little princess and my DH went with the flow. By the way I am talking about someone now in their 40's, not a 6-year old. In the end I just got sick of her and started to say no to her. Then my name became mud in the family.

I think this happens a lot in families. The SIL/DIL is not necessarily horrible, they just don't go along with enabling nonsense and look bad for it.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/03/2018 13:06

So it is quite telling that they specifically asked you not to attend a couple of events previously - presumably because they did not want the atmosphere be spoilt by the stroppy jealous bitchy younger sister who is so self important and lacking in self awareness that she thinks people would be wanting to meet her dogs and that she can further refine her vendetta against her sil by excluding her from that meeting noneevent

Clutterbugsmum · 27/03/2018 13:48

Sound to me like you are suffering from ME-ITIS.

YOUR OP is all about YOU and no one else.

It doesn't matter if you like your brother choice of partner, and I'm betting the reason they haven't married is because of you and your family.

It's a shame you were not brought up to be polite and be nice to her, for you brothers sake if nothing else.

You dog been in obedience class for 2 years and is still excitable then either you are doing something wrong or there is something wrong with your dog.

Original poster
n1mechange87 · 27/03/2018 16:37

@SatsumaCrazy thank you, yours does sound like a similar situation to what i have experienced.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 27/03/2018 16:47

Bloody dogs!

Annoying dogs are annoying. Other people’s annoying dogs are VERY annoying. This, just this!

puguin86 · 27/03/2018 17:35

You sound like my SIL. We haven't seen her in 18 months. HTH.

willynillypie · 27/03/2018 17:55

As someone with an appalling and downright awful SIL, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt OP! I would love to post on here about mine, but I'm too worried she or someone else would recognise the details (presumably why you have given so few). A bad SIL can be a huge disaster and my feeling is really that life is too short to spend time with people you hate, even if it upsets your brother. Thankfully my family ALL hate my SIL due to her treatment of DB and the catalogue of disgraceful things she has done and said, so everyone is refusing to see her. In your case I would explain calmly to your brother that you have tried/your point of view and say you are hormonal, pregnant and can't be fucked anymore.

NameChangeBiatch · 27/03/2018 21:04

@willynilly SIL is that you? Grin

willynillypie · 27/03/2018 21:22

NameChangeBiatch Good Lord I hope not! Ha!

NapQueen · 27/03/2018 21:26

Am I the only one wondering how the feck two adults, two dogs (one of whom is energetic) and a baby are all going to manage living on a narrowboat?

Momo18 · 27/03/2018 21:27

You sound a cheeky fucker. You clearly don't like your brother prioritising his wife to be, how rude of you to invite your brother and niece yet exclude her. How self absorbed to think anyone needs to come and meet your dog's. How cruel of you to call her a sponger and tbh your lucky.to even get a wedding invite. Your doing the whole pick me dance with your brother, it's all rather emotionally incestuous.

FlashTheSloth · 27/03/2018 21:31

You're not the twat of a SIL that's been posted about before where she insists on bringing her precious sodding dogs, that weren't welcome, to a niece's party, then getting the hump about it? Given the amount of focus you put on a bloody pair of dogs I wouldn't be surprised!