DB and his Fiance

[n1mechange87]

I'll try to be concise, just after some reassurance im not AIBU?

Back story:
So my DB has been with his now fiance for 8+ years and engaged for 5. They have a child who is 18months and are due to marry in August this year.

My DB is 7yrs older than me and up until he met the fiance we were very close considering the age gap. Only when he was at Uni and when i was at uni did we not really make contact - too much partying.

Since she came into the picture, i did try very hard with her initially but didn't get anywhere. I'd ask how she was, what had she been up to, how was work, etc. I soon grew tired of making 110% of the effort and gave up after 2-3+ years. I cottoned on early on there isn't much between the ears and she had gone through a handful of jobs in that time, claiming bullying, didn't like it and generally sponging off my DB.

Fast forward to now. I have nothing or very little to do with my DB, i have made it clear to him as things have progressively got worse with the fiance, that i would prefer it if i only saw him (and now niece). Basically, so i don't upset the precious one and then get it in the neck myself.

I happen to be staying at my DM's on Friday whist she is away. My DB has not met my dogs and i thought it would be nice for my niece to meet them. So, I have invited DB and my niece over. I have two dogs - one calm and gentle, the other energetic and excitable, both love children and of course will never be left with my niece alone. My DB's fiance did not like the old family dog and made it clear buy shooing her away. Luckily, the feeling was mutual and the dog stayed well clear... (whats that saying about always trust a dog's instincts...) I have made it clear to my DB that if you're not a dog person you will not like my energetic and excitable dog. I've not actually met anybody who didn't like her - she is a lovely girl but high maintenance and is going to obedience classes! We have made a lot of progress in the two years we have had her since we picked her up as a pup from the rescue centre.

He has asked why i hadn't extended the invite to the fiance. I explained again - dogs. I said if she did want to come then ok, but be aware if you're not a dog person, etc. I also explained my DM will be looking after my two dogs in June for 4 days whilst we go away for a week and she may need assistance with the dogs and it might be nice if he met them before June. She won't, but it thought a good excuse.

I have explained on many occasions to him that whenever i have met his fiance. I feel i am made out to be the baddy despite going out of my way to be nice. I never get anywhere so i made the decision a few years back i wouldn't have anything to do with her as it only caused more upset for everybody but mainly myself. It got to the point where i wouldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her - i was then told off for joining in. I would then join in and ask how she was only to be told off again. So you see i cannot win.

Am i right to not want her to meet my dogs? She'll only make a big deal of my energetic and excitable one and i have to say with pregnancy hormones running wild i don't think i could or would refrain myself from unleashing a shed load of verbalness at her.

Aside from this - im due in August. I live in a narrowboat. When baby is born - am i AIBU to not want her to meet my baby? Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

I just feel like i'd be a hypocrite. I'm going to teach my child as i was taught. If i didn't want to do something and had a genuine reason and could explain it then i shouldn't feel forced to do something for the sake of the 'family'... Why should i put myself through it?

Am i being totally AIBU?

I could say alot more about the fiance, but am not sure if she uses this MN and it would be outing. The stuff i have said is the least outing. She is viscous and manipulative.

You are overly invested in your dogs. Not everyone would give a shit about 'meeting' somebody's dogs. I like dogs, but I couldn't be less interested in visiting someone with the sole purpose of seeing their dogs. I think the majority of the population would feel the same.

You sound like one of 'those' parents who think that the rest of the world is as fascinated by their precious snowflake as they are, and that other people are entranced by tedious stories about their child's shoe size and fine motor skills. This is you, but with your dogs. Which is even worse.

You sound like you actively want to dislike her. I can't pick out from your posts anything offensive that she has said or done to you except for generally being quiet. It sounds like she finds you intimidating because you probably pick holes in everything that she says.

"Since she came into the picture" "not much between the ears"... you sound like horrible in laws. I feel sorry for her - I've been on the receiving end of this kind of sentiment and it's really upsetting. The upshot of it is I eventually grew tired of all the little digs and passive agressive bullshit and called them out on it. My MIL now doesn't see my children (her choice) because her pride is more important to her than her own grand children.

OP
why would they want to meet your dog's? They don't ...

You're humanizing your animals and by the sounds of it you're jealous of his fiance.

You've said some really nasty things about her and I'm not surprised she doesn't want you around.

In your DBs family his wife and child come first.

If you want a better relationship with your brother, you need to start by improving your relationship with his wife. You could start by trying to see things from her perspective. Baby + excitable dog =trouble in my eyes and I wouldn't have let me child in that situation when she was 18 months old.

Christ you sound mental. And your “alternative lifestyle” sounds downright dangerous, a newborn and two dogs one of who is “exciteable” (read disobedient and badly behaved) on a narrow boat? Accident waiting to happen.

And the sheer hypocrisy of you wanting to see your niece but denying your SIL the great pleasure of meeting your dogs and baby? You’re so far in denial you and your narrow boat are over the horizon.

It’s incredibly telling that you were asked not to attend events. I pity your sister in law, your brother must be bloody great in the sack for her to want to marry into a family where you and your over entitled sense of importance is so prominent.

No one gives a flying fuck about your dogs.

I think really she should have been invited & then she can make the decision whether she wants to come or not.
At the moment you have very purposefully left her out which I can imagine won’t go down well & if you want a relationship with your brother I think you would need to make he effort- I realise you say you have made an effort & it’s not reciprocated but you only need to be civil.
There are members in my husbands family that I’d prefer not to spend my time with. But excluding them would make things so much worse & would make things awkward for my husband.
I think you stand to lose more than your SIL.

Just reread the OP and noticed this: Dogs will be on my narrowboat, space is limited.

Bloody hell, love, how fat are your dogs? If they're that wide, you should go live in a bungalow.

Nobody wants to be introduced to your dogs, they aren't people. If I were the SIL, you wouldn't be getting access to my DD either. Stop being so manipulative & causing drama. If you really cared about your DB, you'd stop putting yourself 1st, 2nd & 3rd.

Ok for those who say an "Excitable" dog is dangerous and disobedient, obviously don't know dogs!! My MIL has a dog who is very obedient and well trained, but gets excitable when you first wall through the door, it is in her breed to be like that. OP has said repeatedly that she tried to get on with the SIL and tried for 3+ years to get on with her, she also says that her DM doesn't like her and her DF didn't like her. Do any of you actually read the posts? Her SIL was invited to go around an date made a big deal out of the dogs being there in the hope that her SIL would decline the invitation. I don't know why everyone is bashing you OP sounds like you have tried before and are even willing to try again with her. I don't get on too well with my SIL, we are completely different people and she does the whole snide comments thing. I just play nice for my DH's sake as she is his family. Just look and try and find the good things in her (like she loves you DB) and focus on them rather than the bad things and instead of asking questions compliment her, tell her her hair looks nice, or you like her shoes etc she might see that as more making an effort and if not at least there is nothing that can 'upset' her.

@marymoosmum excitable or not, nobody gives a shit about meeting their SIL's dog.

Can you imagine OP's SIL now? I bet she's sobbing because she is SO devastated that she isn't getting to meet OP's dogs. She is missing out on a once in a lifetime experience, poor soul.

The dogs thing Is bloody weird, I have in-laws like it and I have to ignore it for fear of saying something I will regret. They talk none stop about their dogs, we had DS and talk was still the bloody dogs and fussing over them whilst DS was largely ignored, honestly I do not understand people who baby dogs like they are children. Don't get me wrong I've had dogs, loved them to bits but 'barking mad' sums up the op perfectly...

I think people are being pretty rough on you OP, and you seem to be managing the nasty responses well (rather than flouncing off or getting nasty yourself so well done!)

Clearly you and your future SIL don't get on. You are understandably protective of your DB (and your DM). However, your DB is a grown man and makes his own choices. Rightly or wrongly, this is the woman he has chosen to be with (and have a child with) and you need to come to terms with this. Stay neutral. Keep the dogs out of her way. If what you say is correct, maybe with time your DB will see her true colours. Or maybe you will be able to come to some form of truce with her. However, if you continue doing what you're doing, your DB is going to be forced to make a choice and he will choose her. It seems he has done so already on a few occasions (such as the family events when she wanted you excluded). You need to keep a cool head so you keep your DB - and avoid further upset for your DM. I would actually be more concerned about your DM's feelings than I would be about your dogs (and I'm a dog lover). Less focus on dogs, more focus on keeping your family together as harmoniously as possible.

Christ, I think you're my SIL

I would have as much interest in being "introduced" to a dog as I would to a kettle. Much less so, in fact, because at least kettles don't smell, bark, bite, or try to slobber on you after licking their own balls.

Dogs are not people. They’re not kettles neither. Despite your initial horrible post I think you recovered well and kudos to you for taking comments on board

Yabvu & from your post you sound like the unreasonable & manipulative one.

Grow up & keep including her & being polite. By bitching about her & excluding her, making up that your mum will need help as you want db to meet your dogs is weird. I understand that dogs are part of the family but honestly, if someone isn't keen on a boisterous dog, put the dog away ffs. My friend has boisterous Newfoundland's that she thinks are adorable but not when they're being playful with my 2 year old. Or when the 14 stone of them get excited & jump up at you to say hello & knock you over. Not my idea of a good time

Sorry OP-missed your recent update there (bit pissed). If you truly think you can wipe the slate clean & honestly don't think you're being goady with her, then that sounds good. Maybe she has anxiety issues so direct questions aren't the best way to communicate with her, who knows. You don't need to be best buddies, just be civil & take it slow but remember you are not your db's no 1 anymore. Don't resent her because she is. Good luck!

I wanted to say well done for taking the dog to classes . I also have two dogs and they are like chalk and cheese and the youngest is also over excitable but lovely and is also going to training . I am lucky enough to have space to move them to when we have a lot of guests but on the last occasion ( contrary to other posts ) guests asked to meet him . And after the initial excitement everyone loved him. I did keep him on a lead though . Hope you manage to sort everything before your brothers wedding .

SharronNeedles stop it, she's not your SIL, she's mine!!!

My SIL sends lovely birthday cards and gifts to DH and DS and I get nowt! Has kicked off, full on tears and snotters, when DH 'forgot' her birthday. Proper PITA princess behaviour. I have 3 brothers and couldn't give a toss who they marry, too busy with my own life.

If she is included then i always manage to upset by asking what i would consider an innocent question like how is work?

“How is work?” Is not an innocent question though, is it? Maybe she has ‘more between the ears’ than you give her credit for? Maybe she is very aware that this is a sly dig about her ability to hold down a job, her lack of qualifications and how you think more of yourself because you have ‘worked very hard to get where you are’...

My Mum's Miniature Schnauzer is fantastic with children. A loving family pet.

However, when my daughter was born, as soon as she cried.......Wow. He went for her. It was seriously scary and we were BLOWN AWAY. Staggered. Seriously, there is no way on earth we could've lived in the same house as that dog.

Personally, I think you're in for a huuuuuuge shock. Two fold.

1. The Dog's reaction to a newborn crying in extremely close proximity.

2. A baby on a narrowboat?????? Madness. Feasible maybe for about 6-8 months at an absolute push but trust me - tiny babies take up a HELL of a lot of space with everything you need for them. And once they crawling and especially walking and climbing. Wowzers. Just thinking about the anxiety levels and the PANIC surrounding getting them on & off that boat and the 'Houdini' skills that toddlers seem to possess. Sod that for a million pounds........

Just to add, Mum's dog is now amazing with my daughter and they're thick as thieves. It really was out of character for him, which is precisely my point OP! Your dog can be great with kids. Fabulous. Newborns however are a totally different story.
As much as I adore Narrowboats and would give anything to live on one (after staying on one for a week as a kid), the thought of going on one with my three year old makes my blood run cold. Maybe that's just my chronic post natal anxiety speaking though?

As for your SIL, no advice as don't have one!

OP you sound like hard work.

op why were YOU excluded from family events and not your awful sil

You sound like an ocean-going narcissist, OP.