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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I feel guilty enough without people telling me 'you must be mad'

171 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:08

Im 9 weeks from my due date with DD1.
DS will be a month off 2 when she is born, we weren't 'trying' for another so soon but always said we wanted 2 children and if it happened it happened.
I now feel unbelievably guilty on D'S that were having another baby when he won't really know what's going on, literally have tears in my eyes writing this.
I know it's going to be hard and DS as wonderful as he is, Is a real handful at the moment.
I am the 1st out of my group of friends to have a second child and I have recently had a lot of comments from some of them saying we must be mad to consider another so soon and that were making things really difficult for ourselves by having such a small age gap.

AIBU to think I'm not that 'mad' thankyou!
And aibu to ask for any tips you may have for the hard times ahead. I was so happy to be having this baby and now I just feel extremely anxious and guilty!

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 27/03/2018 08:31

I’d say that’s the most typical gap of people I know.

People who say ‘you must be mad’ are just looking for something to say , I think.

BeyondThePage · 27/03/2018 08:33

18 months between mine - not an ounce of guilt felt.

My sister had 10 months between her 2 eldest - family joke that she had a private room in the hospital! She is just super fertile! 7 kids 2 sets of twins! - which reminds me - twins have no gap - no one feels guilty about that....

TheHulksPurplePants · 27/03/2018 08:40

Mine are 20 months and the best of friends. A friend had a 5 year gap between DD1 and DS1, and had to deal with a lot of jealousy and acting out on the part of the 5 year old, and then she had a 22 month gap between DS1 & DS2 and she says, for her, its been much easier and less of an adjustment.

Emmasmum2013 · 27/03/2018 08:58

I remember asking some of my friends who have had more than one if it is really hard going from one to more kids. They all said no - the hard part is over, your life changes so dramatically when you have your first, and the second one just tends to slot into the family routine. So don't worry and don't feel guilty!
Its a perfect age gap for your kids to play together and be really good friends.

Pay no attention to those who are saying "you must be mad" etc. They have no clue what it will be like with more than one.

Plus, you've got all the hard work out of the way with DS now, I'm assuming from his ages you've got him potty trained and you maybe don't need the pram quite so much with him?

You've totally no need to feel guilty. The new baby will be a breeze compared to how hard it can be with your first!

kimanda · 27/03/2018 09:15

I have 2 girls, (now adults,) and a teeny age gap too. (Just over a year.) It's a brilliant age gap, and they are really good pals. Thing is, DD1 can't remember life without DD2 and vice versa. I think a really close age gap is fab!

It will be hard for a while - new baby, sleepless nights, and the little older one going through the toddler stage. But it won't be long before you start loving having the 2 of them, and having them so close together! Smile

Big brother will love his little sister. It will be great. Tell the naysayers to stop being such miserable gits, and then give them a big smile. Grin

As a pp said though, could it be that these people are just joking? When you're pregnant, you do feel emotional, vulnerable, and weepy sometimes, so maybe you are taking things a bit too literally?

mummyretired · 27/03/2018 09:15

22 months gap here, but only one school year. They were great company for each other all through childhood and are still good friends as adults.
It's been lovely that they have been at similar stages throughout and would both be happy with the same sort of activity (soft play, swimming, museums etc.) rather than wanting to do separate things.

Mustang27 · 27/03/2018 09:16

My mil had 18 months and mines are 2.5. I could have written your post to the letter. My youngest is now 3 months and I'm not going to lie it hasn't always been easy but we would be "mad" if we thought it was going to be. Tbf I get nothing done in the house but my babies are healthy and happy and I just make sure I do lots of classes and things with my toddler.. gets us out the house keeps him stimulated and gets him some proper focus time. I'm going to start taking him swimming on a Sunday by myself now that baby is in a kinda routine which allows me some time with my toddler alone.

I don't think he cares really about 1-2-1 time right now but Iv read a lot that it's great for yours and their relationship and helps prevent to much jealousy so il get in a good habit with them both now so it's never an issue.

You will be fine don't shy away from help if your family are offering and just accept that things will be different but it will be worth it.

mummyretired · 27/03/2018 09:18

... oh and DD was never jealous of the baby. She loved him from the start. I felt guilty about not having another because DS really wanted a smaller sibling!

Oblomov18 · 27/03/2018 09:25

Normal. 9 months is a small age gap!! Wink

MiaowTheCat · 27/03/2018 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heartworries · 27/03/2018 09:40

18 months between ds 1 and 2. They get on great. Miss each other if not together. They fight too as do all siblings. Dd1is about to turn 1 and is 4 years younger than ds 1 and 2.5 years younger than ds 2 . They love her to bits. Play with her. Help her with toys. Share toys and food with her. I think its great. So much so we would like 1 more. Bit we will see.

Sarahh2014 · 27/03/2018 09:48

2 yrs between me and db we really close as kids it's the ideal age gap imo

MumofBoysx2 · 27/03/2018 09:49

No you are not mad at all! I think a small age gap is lovely. My two stepsons are 15 months apart (grown up now) and the BEST of friends. My two are 2.5 years apart but would have been closer if nature had worked it out that way. My niece has two that are 17 months apart. I think it's lovely. But what I do remember from my pregnancies was that each time I had something I fixed on (breastfeeding was one of them) that I felt really tearful about, I think it's natural to feel that but once all the hormones are out of the way and you have two little ones you will look back and wonder why you worried. Hope all goes well with the new baby (oh, and your friends are probably jealous!!)

cuppateamum · 27/03/2018 09:50

20 months between my two youngest. Same situation as you - knew we wanted another and would be happy whenever it happened. It's a brilliant age gap! They are so close, enjoy the same activities, play together all the time. Now they're at school older DD looks out for younger DS, they are a proper lovely little double act.

My tip would be to buy yourself a decent baby sling/carrier, something subtle from birth, having your hands free for the older one can be invaluable at times. We also used a buggy board and found it really helpful.

Definitely no guilt needed and not even a tiny bit 'mad'!

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/03/2018 10:02

I had five kids in seven and a half years (no twins)! It was hard when they were all young (and harder when my DH left), but they are all close now (in their twenties). It made a lot of things easier - for example, you can go and see a film that BOTH will enjoy, rather than one being bored rigid by the 'baby' film. Or go to playgrounds and watch both on the same equipment rather than running between the 'small child' and the 'bigger playground'.

It had definite advantages, OP. You'll be fine.

DorisDayisMe · 27/03/2018 10:02

your son will learn so much from having a sibling. Learning to share, learning to think of others, learning to negotiate. He will most likely have a lifelong friend of shared interests and shared memories.

in our large family we have all sorts of combinations of age gaps. The most problems seem to be caused by the 3,4 and 5 year gaps. The older ones get to the age when they want to play more structured games, board games and Lego for example. Then the little ones, interfere and don’t always understand how to leave things alone that don’t belong to them.

Also there are the activities and sports that the older ones do, which are quite boring for the little ones. There is no perfect age gap but, although the next year will be hard work, it will get so much easier from then on. No prolonged nappies and feeding. Being able to share equipment, pass on toys and clothes. Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

iLoveABiccy · 27/03/2018 10:06

No this is great! There are only 15 months between my two youngest sisters & they're so different but like two peas in a pod.. it's so sweet! They may be competitive while younger but it balances out as they're older & they have such a close bond. don't be sad! It's good

blackteasplease · 27/03/2018 10:38

I also think it's really standard and people are just casting about for something to say!

Imbluedabadee · 27/03/2018 11:08

I know lots of people with that age gap and some with a smaller gap! The gap between mine is a bit bigger than yours but not by much and there had never been any jealousy, the hardest thing for me was running around after a toddler while heavily pregnant and now they are the best of friends. It's great because they are into similar things and you haven't got that far past the nappies and sleepless nights stage that it's a shock going back to it. In a year or so when these "friends" are thinking about dc2 you'll have moved on from it and be thinking they're crazy!

riddles26 · 27/03/2018 12:03

Reading this has made me feel so much better! I am expecting no2 later this year with exactly the same gap (if all goes well). I've found first trimester really rough with complete exhaustion and sickness that's been much worse than first time so I'm also feeling really guilty that I'm missing out on my one growing up right now. She's at such an amazing age and learning something new every minute but I just don't have the energy to take her out much or do things with her.

When I found out I was pregnant (happened much sooner than we expected after spending 2+ years ttc no1), I told myself I would enjoy her while I was pregnant and have lots of time with her but that hasn't gone to plan yet.

I then also feel guilty at all the jealousy she will feel when no2 comes along, how she is going to have to share us as parents (all the things you are describing OP).

Inside, i know it will be good in the long term - I have just over 2 years with my sister and we have grown up with such similar interests (although we did fight a lot as children!). It's also the best move for my career as I can drastically cut back my hours now while both are young and then step up and progress once they are a bit more independent - it would be frustrating to get back into it to then go off on a second mat leave.

We haven't announced yet but I plan to laugh off all the crazy comments and just agree with them whilst telling them millions others cope and so will we.

Thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments about how good the ~2 year age gap is, you've made me feel much better about it

crazymumofthree · 27/03/2018 13:03

Don't feel guilty, I have two years give or take a month or two between all of mind and I think it's the perfect gap tbh! I have friend that have a year or less who said it was very hard at the start then works out easier later on as they are so close and friends with a 4 year gap which starts easier but gets harder as the children are at different stages so 2 year gap is a great middle ground!

DorisDayisMe · 27/03/2018 13:06

I don’t think that you have to assume that jealousy will occur, just as an only child will not necessarily be clingy and demanding of their parents attention. Of course there may be some bouts of jealousy, but children need to be exposed to a whole range of emotions. Learning to understand and deal with emotions is much better in a secure home environment and will help them greatly in the outside world.

The same goes for arguing and bickering. Using verbal skills and reasoning instead of kicking, biting and scratching are very good social skills . Quite often, but not always, children with siblings find it easier adapting to nursery and school

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 27/03/2018 21:29

Thankyou thankyou thankyou all for such lovely responses! Really relieved at so many positive experiences. DS will be a great big brother I worry far too much I am told Grin

OP posts:
Dinosaurdiva · 27/03/2018 21:33

Don't feel guilty! There is around a 2 year age gap between my 2 and they are the best of friends. I always say the best thing I could ever have given them is a sibling- toys come and go but they play together every minute of everyday. Thanks

GinandGingerBeer · 27/03/2018 21:41

20 months between mine op.

Now I appreciate this seems like a lifetime away for you, but my eldest is off to uni In September. His younger brother told me last week he thinks he's 'gonna die' when he goes, as he's 'going to miss him so much'.

Don't fret. It's great having two so close. Tiring when they're small, yes, but mine are so close to each other and always will be.

My eldest used to love being helpful, passing nappies/singing a song/fetching things etc.

I used to always try and have a bit of one to one time with my eldest when I could.

(And he still claims to remember the present he got when ds2 was born Grin)