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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I feel guilty enough without people telling me 'you must be mad'

171 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:08

Im 9 weeks from my due date with DD1.
DS will be a month off 2 when she is born, we weren't 'trying' for another so soon but always said we wanted 2 children and if it happened it happened.
I now feel unbelievably guilty on D'S that were having another baby when he won't really know what's going on, literally have tears in my eyes writing this.
I know it's going to be hard and DS as wonderful as he is, Is a real handful at the moment.
I am the 1st out of my group of friends to have a second child and I have recently had a lot of comments from some of them saying we must be mad to consider another so soon and that were making things really difficult for ourselves by having such a small age gap.

AIBU to think I'm not that 'mad' thankyou!
And aibu to ask for any tips you may have for the hard times ahead. I was so happy to be having this baby and now I just feel extremely anxious and guilty!

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 26/03/2018 23:24

4 days short of two years between my boys and it's great!

Little one is only 11 weeks but hes slotted right in bless him! There have been hard days but overall its a lovely age gap i think!

Think will wait until lo is at least 3 before thinking of the next baby tho...

snewsname · 26/03/2018 23:27

It is pretty much the average gap. Of course it will be hard but it is normal.

sockunicorn · 26/03/2018 23:29

@Bippitybopityboo mine are less than 18 months apart. Similar situation to you. Its hard. They fight. They get on each others nerves. Sometimes you feel your not giving them enough 1-on-1 attention. Youre constantly refereeing which ones turn it is to do things.

However from about the age of 3/4 it is amazing. They are best friends. They sit close together at all times and do not remember a time without each other. I honestly believe they wouldn't function without each other. Totally different personalities and they compliment one another perfectly. Literally 2 halves of one whole.

They are never lonely. You save money on days out as you dont need to "bring a friend" for one. They bounce ideas off one another (sometimes using this power for evil rather than good!!). They share friends. They club together their xmas gifts some years if they want consoles or big gifts. They love the same age toys. They are at school together so share everything there.

They now refuse to have separate bedrooms. They get in from school and spend more time together. They also cry for each other when the other goes to grandmas so we can have 1-on-1 time.

I currently have sensible friends (the type who told me I was mad for having them close together) with 8 and 2 year olds. They struggle to have days out as the kids are totally different interests. Farms and soft play for an 8 year old? Alton Towers for a 2 year old? Difficult to mesh them together. We went to Lapland a few months ago, my 2 DDs loved it. However those close friends dont want to spend the money to go as the babies are too young and the older ones wont believe by the time the babies are a decent age to go! Things like how easy days out and holidays are make the similar age gap worth it.

Also I know that, when I die one day, they have a built in best friend to help them.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 23:30

And I agree that people are probably just saying you must be mad ask something to say. Or there may well be friends who would love another but can’t for whatever reason and are saying it to ward off any intrusive questions. It’s just one of those things people say when you have your second child. If you had twins it would be ‘double trouble’ no doubt or if you had a lot of children people would crack wise outs how you should buy a tv 😂

Esker · 26/03/2018 23:33

I'm six weeks away from due date with DC2, and DC1 is 15 months old. I don't feel guilty! I'm excited for DC1 to have a sibling. I know it may be tough at times with jealously etc, but there will surely always be some sort of challenge going from one to two children, whatever the age gap.

When people say 'You must be mad', I'm sure they don't really mean it. I take it as a reflection of how they see their own situation, i.e. they're saying 'That's not for me'. Anyway, none of their business, so who cares what they think? Grin

nancy75 · 26/03/2018 23:35

Op of it makes you feel better my Nan had 2 kids in the same class at school & they weren’t twins - that is a small age gap Grin

Sallystyle · 26/03/2018 23:38

There is a two year aged gap between my first three children.

Three years between child 3 and 4.

Two years between child 4 and 5.

I am often told I am mad. I laugh and agree.

I wouldn't have wanted a bigger age gap.

NameChangeOnTheRegular · 26/03/2018 23:45

My kids also have less than 2 yrs between them... for me it was perfect, I wouldn't have changed a thing. The look of total wonder on my oldest's face when they realised there was suddenly a baby in the house, and teaching them to be siblings... ah, it was great! On the school playground, there's absolutely loads with a 2 yr age gap, you haven't done anything out of the ordinary or unusual – You'll be fine, they'll be fine. Wishing you and your family the very best!

Haybow · 26/03/2018 23:48

It's a perfect age gap! There's 2 years between me and my brother and although we had the usual sibling scraps it was so lovely growing up together.

We are both adults now with our own dc and are still very close, he's the first person I talk to when I need advice and vice versa.

I also have a very small gap between my dc.

Please don't let this spoil your last few weeks of pregnancy.

branstonbaby · 26/03/2018 23:58

My first two have 14 months gap. I had a three year gap, and then #3 and #4 have a 20 month gap.

They all get along brilliantly! I love having a little tribe with me...

You'll be fine. X

Norma27 · 27/03/2018 06:17

Lots of my friends have much smaller gaps. Your ds will be fine! I have an 8 year gap and people think I am mad for that! There are pros and cons to both big and small gaps so just enjoy.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/03/2018 06:21

13 month gap here! I felt a little guilty initially, but DS1 has never known a world without DS2 and couldn't be without his 'bruvver'. You're not mad (or we all are)!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/03/2018 06:25

There was 18 months between me and my (now late) sister - we loved it and we were best friends and shared so much and went through everything together.
When I had my two DSs 25 months apart it felt like a big gap! But it’s ace - they’re very close even now all grown up.
There was 4 yrs between their Dad and his brother - they were never close growing up and it’s only been in adulthood they’ve been able to really connect.
Good luck - it’ll be fab.

Katedotness1963 · 27/03/2018 06:55

21 month months between my boys. They've always been really close. They're teenagers now and it makes my heart happy to see them together, they have such fun.

thiskittenbarks · 27/03/2018 07:03

I'm due in a few weeks and will have a 16 month gap. I had a lot of the same feelings as you until I realised so many of my friends have similar or smaller gaps between their siblings. All grew up to be wonderful people. Then I spoke to mums of close together children and they reinforced the message in this thread- it had its challenges but in a lot of ways it's easier and

MirandaWest · 27/03/2018 07:11

My two are 22 months apart. Pretty usual gap from what I’ve seen. They’re 14 and 12 now and generally get onSmile

thiskittenbarks · 27/03/2018 07:12

Oops - posted too soon.
Anyway- I have no wisdom as I'm still awaiting arrival of DC2. But I agree with PP that people say stuff like "you must be mad" and "oooo I hope you don't like sleep" just to make conversation. My friend who has a 4 y/o gets asked all the time when she is going to give her DD a sibling all the time and also that is not fair for her to be an only child for so long.
You can't win - we are all doing it wrong and strangers in supermarkets feel entitled to tell us so!
You will be great and your DC will have a very special relationship.

Parky04 · 27/03/2018 07:18

21 months between our two DS. Eldest is currently helping youngest with GCSE revision as he only sat the exams a couple of years ago.

falang · 27/03/2018 07:21

Similar gap to mine. No one ever said I must be mad. It's a normal and not unusual gap. I think anyone who said that to you is weird.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 27/03/2018 07:23

22 months between my sister and me. I loved growing up with her, and she's without a doubt my best friend (excepting a few years around age 14 when we fought like cat and dog - sorry mum...!).
Friend of mine has just started trying for baby no 2 at 3 months postnatal as she wants them to grow up together. I don't think she or you are mad, or in fact that it's anyone else's place to think anything of the sort!

Randomname234 · 27/03/2018 07:27

There's only 11 months between me and my brother - we're twins for a month!
I don't care one dot about 'not remembering' him as a small baby. We're close.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 27/03/2018 07:28

I had this guilt. I was having twins and felt so guilty for my first. I realised i’d got it backwards he didn’t lose us but gained two sisters and he loves them to bits!!

Igottastartthinkingbee · 27/03/2018 07:31

OP I have a similar age gap between my two. The guilt I felt before DD was born and in the weeks after was overwhelming at times. So I’m hoping that what you’re feeling is normal!

On the plus side, at 3 and 5 years old, they’re now best buddies. They make each other laugh like no one else does. Good luck with your pregnancy.

Mightymucks · 27/03/2018 07:31

tomselleck, I had twins when my eldest was 4. It’s so hard on them going from being the only one to one of three.Sad

He likes it now though, wants us to have another. Smile

LuluBellaBlue · 27/03/2018 07:33

My friend had twins (via fertility treatment) then fell pregnant naturally when they were only 2 months old!
Youngest is now 3 years old and twins must only be approx a year older - her and the father love it :)
You’ll be fine!

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