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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I feel guilty enough without people telling me 'you must be mad'

171 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:08

Im 9 weeks from my due date with DD1.
DS will be a month off 2 when she is born, we weren't 'trying' for another so soon but always said we wanted 2 children and if it happened it happened.
I now feel unbelievably guilty on D'S that were having another baby when he won't really know what's going on, literally have tears in my eyes writing this.
I know it's going to be hard and DS as wonderful as he is, Is a real handful at the moment.
I am the 1st out of my group of friends to have a second child and I have recently had a lot of comments from some of them saying we must be mad to consider another so soon and that were making things really difficult for ourselves by having such a small age gap.

AIBU to think I'm not that 'mad' thankyou!
And aibu to ask for any tips you may have for the hard times ahead. I was so happy to be having this baby and now I just feel extremely anxious and guilty!

OP posts:
literallydumbfounded · 27/03/2018 07:33

My first was 19 months old when our second arrived. And was planned. But I fell pregnant much quicker than we thought, so it was still a shock!
And I am not going to lie the first 3-6 months were really hard going, mainly because the baby had reflux and was a screamy, unsettled baby. It's all a blur if I am honest! But now they are approaching school age and their bond is beautiful. I wouldn't have changed it for the world... in fact I wish we had, had a third sooner...... but perhaps that would make me MAD!!
You will be fine, us mama's are stronger than we look especially once all those pregnancy hormones leave our bodies!!

BrownTurkey · 27/03/2018 07:35

Exact same gap here. I have lovely memories of feeding dd2 while reading to dd1 or her playing in her playhouse beside me. And we are on holiday now 12 years later and they are just off to do archery together. Strange you have had those comments, people are just I guess trying to make a joke about how busy you will be, but I don’t honestly think the size of the gap makes much difference. And the new baby is of course not a replacement, its a new family member, and probably one of the most important family relationships your ds will have. As much as they fight and have sibling rivalry, they do things for one another that we can’t. Its extra love. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Charolais · 27/03/2018 07:38

There was an 18 mth age gap between me and my sister. The one bit of advice I have for you is to keep in mind that these two children are completely different people so please don’t treat them as if they are the same.

My mother treated us as if we were the same person and it was horrendous.

RedForFilth · 27/03/2018 07:40

People are just saying it for something to say I think. They're not seriously suggesting you have mental health issues. It's a really common age gap and I wouldn't consider it really close. People comment whatever you do. I always get asked "didn't you want a sibling for your son" yes I did but unfortunately life doesn't give you what you want.
You're going to have two children, that's a blessing, concentrate on that instead of what others think.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/03/2018 07:42

22 months between my first two. Whilst I didn't enjoy the baby stage due to DC2 being up 6 times a night every night for 2 years, they are best friends now at 12 and 10, and are into the same things so it's much easier plan days out. Then DC3 came along 6 years later and threw a spanner in the works! 😂

Groovee · 27/03/2018 07:42

This feeling hit me at 38 weeks pregnant. I couldn't stop crying about how I was going to upset DD's life. But it all worked out fine and I'm glad we had 2. It feels right and I'm nearly 16 years on from it.

Ignore others, what's right for one family isn't right for another.

TheOriginalEmu · 27/03/2018 07:43

i had 3 in the exact same gap you have! (12 months between dc1 and dc2, and then 11 months to dc3) and its great. was it hard when they were little? yes, at times. but now they are 14, 13 and 12 and they are super close and best friends. the younger 2 are in the same year in school and they all rub along brilliantly.

NotTakenUsername · 27/03/2018 07:43

I will have an 8 year age gap and I feel guilty I left it so long! I think it’s the hormones. Just ignore people the just want to have something to say.

MiaowTheCat · 27/03/2018 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BridgeFarmKefir · 27/03/2018 07:43

I see loads of posts like this and I find it a bit bewildering as I am 2 years older than my brother (who also has disabilities) and my Mum coped OK. Also, loads of my friends have the same age gap with their siblings. I think in our modern lives we overthink things a lot - especially when it comes to conception and parenthood. I get the impression my Mum's generation just had a bash and were happy to have children, without thinking about the age gap very much. I'm sorry you're feeling so upset OP, I'm sure your DCs will be the best of friends!

Goodfood1 · 27/03/2018 07:50

Perfect gap!! we have 19 months here and they are so close even as young adults now. They will be closer because of the shorter age gap. and DS will flourish as Big brother, mine did.

Goodfood1 · 27/03/2018 07:54

NotTakenUsername at 8 they will be able to really appreciate and enjoy being big Bro/Sis. And yo will have gotten to enjoy them one at a time, every gap has its plusses

LuckyAmy1986 · 27/03/2018 08:04

Less than 13 months between mine and wouldn’t have done it any other way. Your gap really isn’t unusual!

CoffeAndCream · 27/03/2018 08:13

There is just over 2 years between dd & ds, it's fine! I had a terrible pregnancy with ds (in and out of the hospital with HG and then high BP)
I felt very guilty for neglecting dd and palming her off on family and was scared she would react badly to ds. She loved him from the start, we made sure we included her in everything and spent the 2 weeks DH was off on leave doing things together.

humblesims · 27/03/2018 08:15

They'll be so close and your first born will adjust just fine. You'll look back on this and realise you were just being 'daft' (in the nicest possible way). When I was pregnant with DS2 I felt the same and thought there was no way I could love another the way I loved DS1. But I did. You do. It all slots into place and your family will have an extra dynamic in years to come (two kids with their own special relationship) and if they are close in age they will (hopefully) be great friends for life.

Sofabitch · 27/03/2018 08:19

I mean you are mad because its dam hard work. But it wont affect your ds negatively. Kids just adapt he will get lpts of enjoyment from. A sibling.

Rumpledfaceskin · 27/03/2018 08:22

I still feel this and my ‘baby’ will be 3 when her sibling comes. It’s been to the point where I’ve suddenly regretted the pregnancy and feel I’ve made a big mistake. It’s a massive thing going from 1 to 2 and I think lots of people have worries about it. It will be a lovely age gap and very normal.

goodbyestranger · 27/03/2018 08:24

It's a very, very ordinary age gap and I expect your friends are simply making light jokey comments rather than being mean.

Branleuse · 27/03/2018 08:24

2 year gap is so standard its practically a cliché. Dont worry about it

nellieellie · 27/03/2018 08:25

2 years is the norm I thought. I was similarly heartbroken for me firstborn DS as I couldn’t see how he could make sense of it. Truth be told, it was hard and my DS found it really hard. He does have ASD which I didn’t know at the time so this made his reactions and emotions more intense. However, as soon as DD became interesting, they became best of friends (usual bickering, but that’s expected!). They are now 10 and 12, still play together and Im so glad I decided to have a 2nd with this age gap.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 27/03/2018 08:25

It'll be fine. As others posters have already said, there's no such thing as a perfect age gap. Mine were born 18 months apart, loved playing together when little and are now very close as teens. They each have their own individual personalities, interests and friendship groups but the closeness and ease they have with each other is lovely.

IAmMatty · 27/03/2018 08:28

I have this age gap. The very first thing that happened when I brought DD home was DS came running up, kissed her and then ran for his toys, saying 'I want to show you my cars'.

It was probably the loveliest moment of my life. They're 9 and 7 and they're still great friends.

It will BE FINE. Honestly.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 27/03/2018 08:28

I'm sure someone has already said this (haven't RTfullFT), but the guilt thing is very, very normal and (sorry) a PFB phenomenon. I had it when I was pregnant with no. 2 (slightly larger gap than yours). Then the baby arrives and you're in your new normal and it's all just fine. I've had to tell mine (now preteens) off this morning AGAIN for constantly picking at each other and starting dramas, but they'd never be without each other and if an outsider threatened them they'd stick together like glue. A lot later on we had a third whom they would do anything for. :)

blackteasplease · 27/03/2018 08:29

I'm 23 months older than my brother. It's not unusual at all as far as I know. No one has ever said "oooh what a small gap"

Does it help you to know I have memories of him being born? Of my grandfather waking me up in the morning to tell me I had a brother and of visiting my Mum and db in hospital?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 27/03/2018 08:31

It's a good gap - hard work at first but you will reap the benefits later when they are able to play together because similar ages