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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I feel guilty enough without people telling me 'you must be mad'

171 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:08

Im 9 weeks from my due date with DD1.
DS will be a month off 2 when she is born, we weren't 'trying' for another so soon but always said we wanted 2 children and if it happened it happened.
I now feel unbelievably guilty on D'S that were having another baby when he won't really know what's going on, literally have tears in my eyes writing this.
I know it's going to be hard and DS as wonderful as he is, Is a real handful at the moment.
I am the 1st out of my group of friends to have a second child and I have recently had a lot of comments from some of them saying we must be mad to consider another so soon and that were making things really difficult for ourselves by having such a small age gap.

AIBU to think I'm not that 'mad' thankyou!
And aibu to ask for any tips you may have for the hard times ahead. I was so happy to be having this baby and now I just feel extremely anxious and guilty!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 26/03/2018 22:20

Isn't 23 months pretty normal? My gran had five in five years and my aunts were the most well adjusted bunch of women you'd ever meet.

NanFlanders · 26/03/2018 22:20

Exactly the same age gap as my two. They're re great mates! Congrats and best wishes xxx

RandomMess · 26/03/2018 22:20

@StillMedusa GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrincurrently enduring the teen years with similar age gaps, not as bad as I thought...

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 26/03/2018 22:20

I had just over 18 months gap with mine and to be honest, my eldest dealt with the arrival of a new baby far better than most of my friends' kids with bigger age gaps did. Without hesitation I would choose a smaller gap over a larger one again.

Dry your tears - there is no need to cry. A new baby is hard, but not because of the gap. All new babies are hard, and kids of any age will struggle with the temporary but necessary prioritising of a new arrival. As time goes on, having a smaller gap will actually make everyone's lives much easier, as the kids tend to have a close bond and similar age-related interests.

The reason your friends are saying stuff like "You must be mad" is that they literally do not know what they are talking about. They have no experience of what it's like to have a large or a small gap because they only have one baby.

WhitneyHoustonsbathtub ODFOD

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/03/2018 22:21

Anyone who says that means it in a jokey fashion. They aren't saying you are mad

Ohyesiam · 26/03/2018 22:22

He will get what is going on. Humans are social creatures, we instinctively live in groups and need one another for a myriad of reasons. He has a connection to you, so is capable of a connection to a younger sibling. Relationships are really complex, he could be delighted, angry, relieved, bored and more within the first day of your little one being born.

People mean that it’s going to be hard work, but you are allowed to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.

YankeeZulu · 26/03/2018 22:22

20 months between my 2. Never thought of it as a particularly small gap. No jealousy issues as they’ve never really known life without each other. Great gap as they’ve got older as they’re into similar things and enjoy the same kinds of days out etc. It was hard work for the first year or so, but what newborn isn’t? I’ve got friends with bigger gaps who struggled much more in the early days. My eldest never slept anyway so no 2 made no difference!

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 22:23

Mine have a 2 year gap and we planned it that way. They are really good friends which I don’t think you get with a much larger age gap as the older sibling is in the bossing around/looking after role.
I have a friend with a 10 month gap between her children. Now that is a small gap! But people have twins so it’s definitely doable.

Baubletrouble43 · 26/03/2018 22:25

It's not that small a gap! I have a friend whose boys are a few days short of a year apart. They are fab together . Sounds a perfect age gap to me x

Dementedswan · 26/03/2018 22:25

15 months between mine and I'm completely sane. I found it easy and it's only now at age 7 and 6 it's getting challenging .

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:26

Soooo definitely pretty standard then! I do feel strangely relieved. I know that on the 'tearful day 3' after baby is born the guilt will hit me again I may have to refer back to this thread! But you have all made me feel a lot better. Thankyou.

OP posts:
liz70 · 26/03/2018 22:26

You're a lightweight - there are 16 months between my DD1 and DD2. The same number of years that it took me to regain my sanity, by which time I'd had DD3. I've had teenagers and toddler side by side. Nothing can scare me. Grin

Seriously, you'll be fine. Smile I won't deny that it may be hard at times, but you'll get through it.

Obi1Kenobi · 26/03/2018 22:28

All mine are 17-18 months apart. Best thing I ever did for multiple reasons. They are a gang of mates now. I am grateful they are close in age. Can’t imagine bigger age gaps. Don’t worry. It will all be fine x

EasterRobin · 26/03/2018 22:28

I have the same age gap with my sibling and we have always been very close. It may have been a handful for our mum, but for kids that is a great age gap as they will be able to play together as they grow up.

Avasarala · 26/03/2018 22:30

Check out siblings in school - it's the normal age gap. Obviously lots of different ranges as well but roughly 2 years is totally standard. All my friends have the same with their kids, with their siblings. Nothing to be sad about.

Your son will love it!

CatsAndCairngorms · 26/03/2018 22:30

I have a similar age gap and I felt SO guilty after the birth of DC2. To be honest it probably took me about 18 months to fully get over that guilt, but that was largely because it took me that long to become what I felt was as good a mother to two children as I had been to one child and I have very high standards for myself!!

Now they are 2 and 4 and, as with PP, they absolutely adore each other. In fact I feel like a bit of a loose part when they’re both at home as they just disappear off to play, only surfacing occasionally for snacks!

Good luck - it can be a hard transition but so worthwhile.

fleshmarketclose · 26/03/2018 22:31

I did 18 months between the first two and 22 months between the second two. So doubly mad I must be. In truth it was great and I look back on those times fondly now they are 30,29, 24 and 23. Have to admit though that the single one now 15 was a walk in the park in comparison though.

jimsdoll · 26/03/2018 22:31

Who would you feel guilty giving your child a sibling I honestly dont understand it. You'll still love each child as much. I have 14mths between my two (planned it that way) not one person said it was a bad idea everyone thought I was mad alright but each to their own. They are now 4.8 and 3.6 somedays they are best friends other days they fight all say same as my niece and nephew who have 6yrs between them

Ineweverything · 26/03/2018 22:32

I have 25month gap. It would have been less if I could have managed it. Anyways they are 5 and 7 and are great pals.
Plus they attend the same extra curricular activities, which is convenient.
Pregnancy hormones mess with your head. Don't worry. I think it's easier second time round. Best of luck.

jimsdoll · 26/03/2018 22:32

That was meant go be why would u feel guilty

feska5 · 26/03/2018 22:35

Don’t feel guilty Bippity your DS will love his baby sister and he will definitely know what’s going on. I had three DD under four. They are very close, the best of friends. You are probably feeling tired and emotional. I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much as my DD1. As mothers we certainly feel a lot of guilt don’t we? 🙂Don’t worry it will all be perfect.

altiara · 26/03/2018 22:35

I’m pretty sure that’s a really popular age gap! (You’ll see it on the school run in a few years time!)
Congratulations! And don’t feel guilty about family planning Flowers

imip · 26/03/2018 22:36

Ignore them, people say stupid things like this all the time.

I have 4 dc and the gaps are 19, 20 and 22 months. All deliberately planned. I’d rather this than larger gaps - I’d feel like I was doing the hard parenting years forever!

Chickoletta · 26/03/2018 22:37

Surely these people who say you're mad are just joking aren't they? Sounds wonderful to me. Mine have only a slightly bigger gap and are the absolute best of friends and would be lost without each other.

Ignore Whitney's nasty trolling comment. Of course your child is 'enough' for you but having a sibling will enrich his life immeasurably - take it from me, I'm an only child...

SerenDippitty · 26/03/2018 22:37

My brother and I are two years and 9 days apart. It was fun growing up having our birthdays so close together!