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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I feel guilty enough without people telling me 'you must be mad'

171 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 26/03/2018 22:08

Im 9 weeks from my due date with DD1.
DS will be a month off 2 when she is born, we weren't 'trying' for another so soon but always said we wanted 2 children and if it happened it happened.
I now feel unbelievably guilty on D'S that were having another baby when he won't really know what's going on, literally have tears in my eyes writing this.
I know it's going to be hard and DS as wonderful as he is, Is a real handful at the moment.
I am the 1st out of my group of friends to have a second child and I have recently had a lot of comments from some of them saying we must be mad to consider another so soon and that were making things really difficult for ourselves by having such a small age gap.

AIBU to think I'm not that 'mad' thankyou!
And aibu to ask for any tips you may have for the hard times ahead. I was so happy to be having this baby and now I just feel extremely anxious and guilty!

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 26/03/2018 22:38

A two,year age gap is common amongst all my friends, so not unusual at all.

Don’t feel anxious or guilty, you’ve nothing to,feel anxious or guilty about.

My son was a little older than two when his younger sibling came along, and it was fine. Having them closer in age has its benefits, as they are more likely to play together and have similar interests.

starlightmeteorite · 26/03/2018 22:39

Same age gap here, and I also beat myself up with guilt whe I was pregnant.

My two are very close. The other day dd (aged 5) asked me if I had ds because I wanted her to have a friend, as she'd be a bit lonely without him. It was lovely to hear. They are very close. (That doesn't mean they don't fight, and get jealous, as of course they do. That's perfectly normal.)

Ginkypig · 26/03/2018 22:39

My mum had 18 month gap between me and my sibling then had a gap of about 6/7 years then did it all again my two youngest siblings 18 months apart with her 2nd husband Smile

None of us have ever thought it was odd or that some of us had really too close a gap or too big of a gap, they were simply just our siblings. There was more bickering between the each of close in age ones due to the close age I think (nothing serious!) but not the separate sets but us two older ones felt parental towards the younger Ones generally.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/03/2018 22:40

21 months between my eldest two. DD1 was a bit of an accident. I'm not going to lie, the first three or four months were hellish; DS1 was not at all happy about the new addition.

But they settled down and have always been really good mates; played together and amused each other. And DD2 came along a couple of years later with no upset behaviour from either of them.

Biggest issue now they are 24 and 22 is them copping off with each other's mates which is apparently very poor form.

Deshasafraisy · 26/03/2018 22:40

A 2 year age gap is very common. It’s fine! Tell them to get lost. You will all be fine.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 26/03/2018 22:41

OP, I don't think people are being spiteful saying 'you must be mad' - they're just making a joke. People say it to me because DD (3) is such a handful. Don't take it personally.

40andfeelingit · 26/03/2018 22:42

21 months between my 2 and it’s magic, they’re so close.
So glad it worked out that way for us, it’s tough but it’s tough whatever the age gap. Actually think it’s easier in this situation than starting the baby years again when you’ve got an older one, enjoy it!
And relish the moment when you finally get rid of the double buggy while your mates are stuck back into newborn madness second time around with their ‘acceptable’ age gaps!

PasswordRejection · 26/03/2018 22:42

There's 51 weeks between my two eldest sisters. 51 WEEKS!!

My mum said it was pretty great because they were close enough that what ever developmental stage the eldest went through, the second quickly followed.

AlecOrAlonzo · 26/03/2018 22:43

I've got almost exactly two years between each subsequent child. It's not a small gap p. I like it. My eldest two are best pals and play really well together. I like it because the same stuff entertains them. One of my cousins has six years between each subsequent child. It's hard entertaining a 13yo, 7yo and 1 yo all at the same time. Another cousin is at the other end of the scale. There's 9 months between her two.

PasswordRejection · 26/03/2018 22:43

(Neither have been emotionally scarred by the way - they are both very normal, well adjusted adults and have a great relationship!)

wineusuallyhelps · 26/03/2018 22:45

I have similar age gaps. Never had any issues at all with my three.

The eldest is a teenager now. He certainly hasn't been traumatised! Half the time they bicker; half the time they get on like a house on fire and are closer than they would like to admit...!

Please don't panic!

NurseP · 26/03/2018 22:47

Pretty much 2 years exactly. My boy is a lovely big brother. Same gap between my sister and I, we have a great relationship.

TheresALight · 26/03/2018 22:52

Hi OP. I've got an 18 month gap and I did shed a few tears the first few nights feeling guilty that DD1 no longer had her parents to herself, but she loves the baby and hasn't had any jealousy or 'bad' behaviour.

If you haven't already done so I'd recommend buying 2 or 3 story books featuring babies and read them in rotation at every bedtime. Point out every baby you see even if it's only on tv and remind DS that he'll be getting a baby too and that he'll be a brilliant big brother. I also gave DD a new baby doll when I introduced her to the baby and she loves feeding and burping it when I feed the real one!

All my family have small gaps between kids, even those with 3 or 4! It may be hard whilst they are both babies but once they can play together they will be into the same things and able to entertain themselves!

Be kind to yourself, and good luck x

mummyhaschangedhername · 26/03/2018 22:52

I had 3 under 2 years 😂... I had twins. I had a miscarriage in between too, so my gal would have been much smaller of it had worked out, but then less children, 3 under two was certainly an experience.

I can't say it was the easiest time, but now, they are 8 and 6 (twins), it's much easier and it's lovely they have such a small gap.

What's that Alice in wonderland quote, saying something like, yes you are quite mad but all the best people usually are ... I'm not saying you're mad by the way, but it's maybe a good answer to those who suggest it.

Ceebs85 · 26/03/2018 22:57

Fuck me I must be sectionable. I'm due in oct and DD1 will be 14 months.

I love that we'll have the nappy years over with quicker, they're likely to be at similar levels in terms of play and probably interested in very similar things too.

There are major plusses to a small gap (though I really don't think yours is that small!) Such as the older one not knowing any different and therefore just taking it in their stride. Little one will learn so much from older one. Congratulations xx

M00nUnit · 26/03/2018 22:59

Your friends are being weird. My sibling and I are 18 months apart and our younger two siblings are 19 months apart. I always thought those were really normal age gaps and my Mum's never said anything about any of us being born too close together! Nothing "mad" about a two year age gap at all.

snowpo · 26/03/2018 22:59

11 months between mine (not planned!), DS looked into the hospital cot, saw newly arrived DD and wailed for about 30secs but after that no jealously issues. 2yrs is pretty normal gap.
Good when they are little cos they enjoy the same sort of activities.

MaMisled · 26/03/2018 23:01

You're about to present your son with the best friend he'll ever have. It'll be enormous fun, there's enough love to go round and you'll be fine... tired, but fine!

sharkirasharkira · 26/03/2018 23:01

I have a 13m gap between my 2 and in some ways I think it's better - my eldest doesn't remember a time when his brother wasn't around so they have grown up together, wear the same size clothes, play with the same toys etc etc.

Yes, it is hard at first but then it always is going from 1 to 2. Other people I know who have had 1 and 2 much further apart (say, 5, 6 years or more) seem to have far more trouble as the older sibling is jealous of the younger and resentful of them 'taking' their parents attention away from them (obviously this doesn't always happen).

You are definately not mad. Congratulations, and good luck! Grin

Procrastination4 · 26/03/2018 23:05

Please don't worry about other people's comments. There's two years between myself and my brother and two years between every sibling after him ( five of us in total). We never felt neglected or hard done by. Your little boy won't either. You've enough love for the two of them! Enjoy the few weeks you've left, get as much rest as you can and then enjoy your new baby and look forward to helping your little boy become an important part of his baby sister's life.

Els1e · 26/03/2018 23:09

My sister and I are 15 months apart. We are very different characters but get on great. Don’t worry just enjoy your family

Longdistance · 26/03/2018 23:12

21 months between my dds. They’re now 6 and 8, and are in Year 2 and Year 3 at school. They’re best friends (they have their moments), but are great that they play with each other.

When dd2 was born, dd1 got a portable DVD player. Let’s just say Peppa pig saved my life Blush

minniemoll · 26/03/2018 23:13

Isn't that just a completely normal age gap? My brother is 22 months younger than me, and most of my friends at primary school had a sibling in his class, or else in the class two years ahead of ours. My nieces are 21 months apart (8 and 6) and are best friends - the elder one was so excited to have a baby sister, it was lovely.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/03/2018 23:14

This is a really normal age gap! My DB and I were 20 months apart (admittedly my DM wasn’t thrilled to be PG again so soon!) and my two youngest are 21 months, totally planned. There was a small overlap with 2 x nappies, but otherwise it was lovely having DS around in the daytime with me and baby DD. They are very close, whereas DS1 was 4.5 when DS2 came along, he’s just started school and probably felt more jealous as a) he wasn’t there during the day while his baby DB was and b) being that bit older he’d got used to being an only one and getting all the attention. He really struggled with sharing the limelight!

You’ll be fine and your friends will all be joining you soon enough.

Goodasgoldilox · 26/03/2018 23:19

It can be a great age-gap.

It worked well for our children and I get on well with my own siblings with the same age gap.

My husband had a greater gap from his siblings and never really felt brotherly towards them . They were more like the generation above him - just more adults in the house.