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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/03/2018 20:44

OP, I would say absolutely nothing as if you confront your dh he will delete any evidence. Act normally with him. Wait until he is in shower and grab his phone and look through. Look for whatsapp photo as well as text messages. Do you know his email password? if so have a snoop. Look at bank statements, credit card bills etc. Whoever sent the email probably wanted to break up your marriage so I would not give them the satisfaction of replying to them. It will drive them nuts. I would be watching dh like a hawk in future. Make sure you get to accompany him to any work do. Just to be safe I would start skimming off cash when you shop, ask for cash back. Make a cash stash just in case you do find it is true. After I found out my ex h was cheating on me I went for STD test. I hope for you and dc sake it is not true. It must be a terrible shock Gin.

SprinkleSomeSparkles · 27/03/2018 20:44

Good luck op, this was a hard read as I was in a similar position a few years ago. The ow emailed my sister with loads of smutty messages she and him had exchanged, I vomited when I read them! I asked the ow to call me but she never did, I confronted him and threw him out. Best thing that ever happened to me, he married and had sex on his stag do! I'm now married to an amazing man, for me trust is absolutely everything.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 27/03/2018 20:46

Good luck PP hope you get the answers you looking for.

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 27/03/2018 20:48

Thanks everyone. I'm just in the bath so I can have some time alone and I've told him I'm very tired so having an early night. He actually does seem ill but he is being quite chirpy and seems quite happy to be home so I'm not certain he has had a heads up.

quitelikely5 the email only referred to her by her first name and I didn't know her last name which is why it was hard to find her.

Will report back in the morning but I check in lots 😁

OP posts:
BarbraDear · 27/03/2018 20:49

I would absolutely email the sender and ask for more proof just to see what comes of it.

It does sound a bit dodgy that your OH is coming back early, maybe there is more to it and I hope you get to the bottom of it.

ilikebread · 27/03/2018 21:03

Yes email back and ask for evidence. It could be complete lies xx

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/03/2018 21:09

I would stay quiet and do some major snooping OP

I hate to say but it’s probably true Sad

As if someone wanted to hurt him they could do it a different way and more effectively

And if someone wanted to hurt you , you would probably have an inkling of that

Sorry - he and his behaviour sucks

BewareOfDragons · 27/03/2018 21:10

I wish you luck in getting to the bottom of the email so you know where you stand, OP. I don't envy you the position you're in tonight.

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2018 21:14

Yeah my ex husband used to come home from work ill if I'd found anything.

Looking back I wonder why I actually married him.

sonjadog · 27/03/2018 21:15

Good luck.

Ninabean17 · 27/03/2018 21:16

Wishing you luck, op. X

Ninabean17 · 27/03/2018 21:18

Wishing you luck, op. X

mikeyssister · 27/03/2018 21:18

Hope you find something to say DH is totally innocent OP.

Appuskidu · 27/03/2018 21:24

I would copy the email in case he tries to delete it.

FreshTart · 27/03/2018 21:33

Thinking of you OP. I was sent a message telling me to look closely at H's 'friendship' with another woman. I logged in to his facebook and there it all was. It's a horrible situation to be in.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/03/2018 21:33

Good luck! I hope this was just some bizarre malicious rubbish rather than facts.

Moonshine86 · 27/03/2018 21:36

Good luck, I hope you get good news.

BlueAnchor · 27/03/2018 21:37

Have been through similar. Even whilst trying to put our marriage back together the OW was sending anonymous letters and making anonymous calls to try and split us up. Some devious people out there.

Take care of you!

Sammysees · 27/03/2018 21:37

Good luck! Hope you can get the closure you need .... one way or the other.

monkeytoad35 · 27/03/2018 21:44

Good luck OP. Been thinking of you today. Hope it isn't as bad as it sounds FlowersFlowersFlowers

YolandasFridge · 27/03/2018 21:51

Good luck tonight OP

Hope you get some answers from the iPad or iPhone.
In my case I waited until he was asleep then took the phone into the bathroom. Couldn't find anything and nearly gave up until I came across the archived message bit on WhatsApp. Pages of it all. I threw up too, I actually could be sick now remembering it.

Hope you get closure x

Lookatyourwatchnow · 27/03/2018 21:54

OP you sound so classy, rational and level headed, I am in awe. Stay strong.

Jassmells · 27/03/2018 21:55

Good luck, hold your nerve and do some digging x

Coco134 · 27/03/2018 21:57

Good luck.

Hope you can either set your mind at rest OR LTB If needed

Cleanermaidcook · 27/03/2018 22:05

Hope you get some answers x