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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

362 replies

ItsADilemma12345 · 26/03/2018 21:58

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

OP posts:
giraffepickle · 27/03/2018 19:08

@ItsADilemma12345 I really feel for you op. Take care of yourself and good luck. I really hope that this is some twisted shit stirrer causing trouble.

Thanks
Fineline2018 · 27/03/2018 19:09

Yes I thought that re him suddenly being ill.

AlbertaSimmons · 27/03/2018 19:17

My DH is reasonably well known in a minority sport and as a result we have had several women make fools of themselves over the years by, shall we say, misinterpreting the nature of their relationship with him (as their coach).

Twice this has led to poison pen letters to me. One by post and one email. First time I simply handed him the letter (in which someone was claiming to be the OW) and he immediately telephoned her in front of me and read the riot act. He also told her husband.

Second time, I emailed back the sender and asked for more details. Reply came back that he was involved with another man Hmm. I had my tech support guy search the IP address but got no info, so blocked the sender and that was that.

People can, and do, make things up for their own reasons. Poison pen letters have a long history and the writers are almost always women.

Frouby · 27/03/2018 19:23

The being ill thing is a massive coincidence .

I wonder if the email sender has forwarded it to him and he is coming home to try and either delete the email before you see it or give his version of events.

I would feel quite ill if someone sent dp a message like that whether I had cheated or not.

I hope you get some answers OP. But remember if you confront him he may have already seen the email too.

Could you contact the potential OW and ask her directly. Before your dh comes home. Because if she did sleep with him she might just tell you the truth. And if she didn't she ought to know someone is saying she did.

GeekyWombat · 27/03/2018 19:26

Definitely mark it unread to see if he tries to delete it when he comes ill.

I hope this comes of nothing and you get the answers you want OP.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2018 19:32

Best of luck.

Annabelle4 · 27/03/2018 19:43

Obviously none of us know if it's true, but the fact that he's coming home is extremely suspicious.

Also, the fact that her FB shows that she's in a relationship means nothing OP. If she's willing to sleep with a married man, then she's just as likely to cheat on her own partner.

Flowers
Goodasgoldilox · 27/03/2018 19:46

The sudden illness is quite a coincidence.

I agree about allowing him to find and delete the email would be good.
Copy it first and then mark it unread.

7YearsaWife · 27/03/2018 19:47

All the very best to you OP Thanks

Original poster
ItsADilemma12345 · 27/03/2018 19:52

Thanks everyone. I will see how ill he is later. I will keep it as 'unread' just to be on the safe side. He's literally due in the door any minute so I don't have time now to contact the OW but that's a good back up plan, not sure she would be honest with me though as I imagine she wouldn't want me to tell her my thoughts on her behaviour... If it happened.
Will be back on tomorrow to update when I have done some digging

OP posts:
VileyRose · 27/03/2018 19:53

Good luck x

TinaGurner · 27/03/2018 19:57

I feel sick for you, remembering how I felt when this happened to me.
Mine was a lying cheating bastard. I hope yours isn’t Flowers

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 27/03/2018 20:03

Ah what a shit situation to be in. I’d rather it’d be a one off and never know than half know, it would play on your mind forever. Hope you find out either way OP, these things can make you think you’re going mad!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 27/03/2018 20:07

I feel for you, it’s a really horrible position to be in. This is why when people say to tell the wife anonymously I say ‘No, either give your details or don’t say anything. Telling anonymously is the worst of both worlds’.

The problem being that you can’t prove it didn’t happen, you can only prove it did happen, or be left wondering.

HughLauriesStubble · 27/03/2018 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/03/2018 20:28

good luck op

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 27/03/2018 20:29

Thinking of you op x

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2018 20:34

Oh OP. What a horrible situation. It doesn't look good does it but you sound extremely level headed and I know you will get to where you need to be.

I agree, the sudden coming home makes me think he knows about the email. Which is also not a good sign

Good luck Thanks

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2018 20:35

How did you spell her name wrong if the email sender had emailed it to you?

Did they spell it wrong too?

Email back and ask for proof or at least ask how they know and what their motives are for telling you

stellarfox · 27/03/2018 20:36

Fingers crossed for you, you are being very level headed in a horrible situation. I think you are doing the right thing investigating before confronting him as if he is guilty he will try to admit to the minimum. The more you know the better. Definitely do what you said and give him an opportunity to tell you what happened - don't let on how much you know, so you'll know if he is lying. If you don't uncover anything tonight I would email the anonymous email address back to see if they can give you more information.

I wonder can you track the IP address from an email to try to see where the email has come from? Not sure how hard this is to do?

Starlighter · 27/03/2018 20:37

Nothing more to add as you’ve been given some great advice here. But maybe pretend that you’re ill tonight to give you an excuse for being off.

Good luck OP. Flowers

shesalady · 27/03/2018 20:37

I think you're being very sensible too.

I don't think my dh would chest but if he did I know he'd deny deny deny. I've caught him out lying about other stuff and he's lied until he's blue in the face.

Counter27 · 27/03/2018 20:41

Good luck and hoping it all goes ok OP.

Gaelach · 27/03/2018 20:43

I admire your strength and level-headedness OP.

XiCi · 27/03/2018 20:44

Good luck OP. My first thought at him coming straight home through 'illness' is that he's been told about the email! Hope I'm wrong!