AIBU to ask for help. I've got an email telling me DH has cheated

[ItsADilemma12345]

Posting here for traffic really. I got an email basically saying DH has cheated on me with a colleague from work. Nothing very specific in the email, it names the person he is supposed to have cheated on me with, and says it was at a work conference (he goes away every couple of months for work at weekends.). It also says it is meant to have happened before. The email was not from the person he is meant to have cheated on me with.

I haven't replied yet.

DH is not friends on FB with this person (unless she has blocked me, in which case I won't be able to check). I have searched FB for the email address I got the message from, but there's no account linked to it. Which suggests the person is using a different email from their regular email address.

DH is away working until Saturday so I wondered what you would do?

I think there are 3 possible explanations:
1 - he has cheated on me
2 - other woman has told people he has cheated on me with her
3 - someone is lying to me for their own reasons.

I am not sure why anyone would email this if they didn't think it was true? I have never thought he has cheated on me. He and the 'other woman' were away together a while ago, he told me she said some inappropriate things before they went (along the lines of "oooh, weekend away") which gave me the impression she was keen on him. He also told me she kept trying to tag along with him when he was doing things in the evening on his own, and he had to try and completely ignore her to give her the hint that he wanted to be left alone. However I have only heard this from his side of the story.

There was a work function a couple of years ago. I noticed this woman did not even acknowledge me, and DH got quite drunk and kept going over to where she was dancing (leaving me on my own with people I had just met that day). (I realise this sounds a bit like Love Actually, I promise it is true and not based on that film)

Also colleague has now left for another job so as far as I know they haven't been in touch. Also, for info, colleague is about 10 yrs younger, quite attractive.

To be clear, if it turns out he has cheated he is fully aware that our relationship would be over. So there is absolutely no way he will be honest with me if he has. I know he wants our relationship to continue.

We have 2 daughters aged 9 and 5.

Just wondered if anyone has been in this position - got a random email accusing their partner of cheating. What happened?

And what would you do in my position? Would you reply to the email? Not sure what I should say? or just confront DH when he gets home?

In my gut I don't think he has but I could just be being naïve.

Could you maybe reply to the email asking for their phone number to discuss. You could then try putting the number into what's app or Facebook. It might be hidden but it might give you an idea of who sent the email x

Mark the email as unread if you're not going to confront him. Act normal when he is home. He may have been warned that the email has been sent and check your emails to see if you have seen it. If he deletes it you have your answer.

AtSea some people cope that way. That's how I dealt with it.

Good luck OP.

No practical advice but thinking of you OP xx

As much as I would rather bury my hand in the sand and pretend it isn't happening, I think I would reply to whoever it is simply with "prove it" and hope to God they can't.

Fingers crossed for you OP.

OP I fear that you will find nothing. This could be because there's nothing to find or because nu.

I hope you eventually find out that this is a lie, but you need to prepare for the worst, which is not confirming one way or the other. What then are you going to do?

For me, the not knowing for sure would be the worst. It would eat away inside me. Are you the same type of person? Do you need closure? Would you show the email to your DH and ask him who he thinks could have sent it and what there motives could be?

I would guess it might have been a one off thing that didn’t go anywhere, maybe he cooled off afterwards and she now wants to punish him.

I would probably write some nonsense back to the email saying that luckily I’m not bothered as I’m divorcing him for serial adultery and then just kind of watch the situation and see if he comes back rattled or starts asking me weird question etc.

I had a text telling me that my husband was having an affair about 8 years ago. He swore blind that he wasn't, was quite upset about it, let me check up on his every movement for several months until I was convinced that it wasn't true.

18 months ago I found out that not only was it true but had been going on for 8 years with the first woman, for three years with a woman I considered to be one of my oldest friends, and had taken up with a third that same year. The letter I got detailing all of this was from his first woman who was quite happy to share him with me, but not happy when she found out about the others. He showed none of the "typical" signs of cheating and I still have no idea where he managed to fit them all in - he didn't work late, was very rarely away from home overnight.

I still don't know who the original text was from but I wish that I'd believed them.

The thing is it could be many things.

It could be the other woman. She's feeling guilty, the husband was pursuing her and she thinks the wife has a right to know
It could be thr other woman and she's being vengeful.
It could be a friend of the ops who wants to tell her but doesn't want her to know it's her.
It could be a work colleague whose moral compass is outraged and genuinely believes the wife has a right to know, especially if it's common knowledge.
It could be a work colleague who knows it's true and is trying to hurt him.
It could be malicious and made up.
It could be someone else he has slept with who is jealous and that's why they are telling her about this woman
It could be the husband himself, it's his way of letting his wife know, to give him a reason to get out of the marriage.
It could be the husband and the guilts eating him up and it's his way of letting her know so he can grovel.
It could be the husband and he's making it up because he wants a reason to leave.
It could be a family member on either side, who thinks she should know and genuinely cares for her but again wishes to remain anonymous.

It could be any number of people, with any number of motivations, from helping her to hurting her.

the op is too calm

people deal with things in different ways. When bad things happen I don't stay at home and cry about it, i'd still take DS to nursery and go to work. Have a few hours of normality, then go home and either cry about it or do some digging or whatever.

Are you going to reply to the email?

I imagine it's true.

Instead of 'confronting him', why not just tell him you got the weirdest email and don't know what to make of it. You'll know what the truth is by his reaction. If you confront him, you'll both lose trust whether he's guilty or not.

But I would ask the emailer from more details.

I worked with a guy who told his wife that a girl at work had a thing for him. He was shagging her and wanted to pre-empt any news that may get back to his wife. He told his wife that his OW was bitter because he had rebuffed her advances, and that rumours of their affair had been falsely started by the OW. His wife believed him.

I have a friend who categorically didn't sleep with a man she worked with, but he told her husband that she had. He lost his job over the ensuing fallout.

So, it could go either way with your DH, OP. As others have said, you need more facts before you make a decision.

I used to have a job where people would work away. I wasn't on a particular trip, pregnant at the time and didn't feel up to it. Apparently someone set the fire alarm off at about 1 am and stood at the end of the corridor to see who came out of which room. Apparently it was quite interesting if bloody annoying for innocent guests on other floors. I don't know if fire brigade were called, I hope not.

I do think people sometimes behave badly in these situations but I hope this isn't the case here, not nice for you and horrible for the children.

AtSea1979 Some people power on during traumatic events. I went to work as normal during a couple of my miscarries when they started. The last thing I could tolerate was sitting at home during them.

When is your dh back?

Please don't suggest that going to work/going on "as normal" is somehow an indicator that this isn't real or that the op is "fine". I worked right through two pregnancy losses, several bereavements, you name it. For some of us, we need that "normal" while the rest of life is going to shit.

OP you have said in your first post they aren't friends unless she has blocked you on FB making you unable to see.
Further down the list you have commented saying you saw from her FB she is with someone now.
So you understand from this you aren't blocked? Also means they aren't friends!
Unless they both have their friends list hidden so you couldn't check then.

Goodasgoldilox - I have felt really numb about it all. i would never ever have thought that he would cheat, however I am not stupid enough to think it couldn't happen. I guess I am feeling numb because I am unsure whether it has happened or not. He has lied to me before, when our youngest DD was a baby, a serious lie which nearly split us up, and he was so devastated and distraught I never would have thought he would risk it again. It didn't involve cheating though (I don't want to go into further details because it would be too identifying). So I am not shocked, I'm not really anything yet but I have started to feel sick when I think about it all.

ToothyMcPuthy Yes the fact they have named the specific person who I had some concerns about (but didn't mention them to DH at all) is a bit of a concern

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish I have no idea who has send the email. The person is, for example "Annie M". There is no one on the "OW" friend's list called Annie, nor my DH, nor other colleagues of his.

Just to clarify, possible OW no longer works at the workplace so turning up unexpectedly wouldn't help me 'catch him out'.

whenyoufeelsotired He wouldn't go through my emails but its a good plan! I don't think he even knows the password to my laptop. Not for any sinister reason, we just use our own stuff.

mikeyssister I will have to find out what this is about. Because i don't feel I can just ignore it. Not that it would eat away at me, more that I am emotionally very guarded and when I feel I might be getting hurt I start to withdraw. Which is probably why some people think I seem cold. And I know this is probably not the healthiest option but I can't really help it.

SleepFreeZone I think this is maybe what has happened. I definitely don't think there was some love affair

TheTapir that sounds awful. I feel the same in terms of him not having time, he works about an hour from home and rarely goes out in the evenings. He doesn't have his own office. Which is why I think, if anything has happened, it would only have been when he was away. But then you were in a similar situation and he managed to have 3 affairs so clearly they can make time if they want to.

Bluntness100 I have really appreciated your input on the thread. The only real 'suspects' are people he works with, or the 'OW', or her friends outside of his work, because of the emailer naming the 'OW' - none of my friends would have named her as they don't know her name. I am certain DH would not try and find a reason to leave, he constantly tells me how much he wants to be with me. He has made some sacrifices in terms of his life decisions so that we are together.

YearOfYouRemember He was due to be back on Saturday. However he has called me to say he is coming back tonight as he is unwell. And big thanks for your support

PeanutButterLips Yesterday I set up a second FB account to a different email address, so I could have a nosey at 'OW' fb account. Her friends list is hidden, my DH's isn't. DH does not have her on his friends list. She has a picture of her and another man as her cover photo. She would have been single if/when this happened with my DH. Anyone wondering why I did this, the main reason was I thought she had blocked me, turns out she hasn't, but I wasn't sure of her surname and had to go through a few of DHs colleagues to find her. Second reason I did it from a different account was that I didn't want to start suddenly popping up on her 'people you may know'. She also does not have a friend with the name of the email sender.

Hopefully I have replied to everyone...

Brief update, DH is now coming home tonight as he is unwell. So my current plan of action is:

1. Look at his IPad tonight when he is asleep and look for evidence. There is no way I can get on his laptop and I am not sure if he has synced his emails to his Ipad, but I will be able to look at his FB at least. I will only be looking for evidence of conversations between him and her, I am not going to snoop through all his private stuff.

1. If I find nothing, reply to the email. Suggest this person calls me or at least gives me some more information about how she knows, how many occasions etc.

1. Talk to DH. I know for a fact that if I give him any opportunity to find a way out of him telling me, he will take it. So I am thinking of saying "I know what happened with you and X person when you were away". or maybe "This is your option to tell me what happened with you and X before"

I know a lot of people have suggested that I speak to him first, I will never get the truth if he has cheated. I am going to do my own digging and then ask him, I feel its the only way I will get the truth if there's anything to find out.

I feel quite numb about it all and the thought of having to split up, sort the kids, etc is daunting but I will do it if he's cheated on me. Its more the lying I think, I couldn't deal with knowing he had lied for so long. And I bet he wouldn't have been careful so I would then have to go and get tested.

So I will be seeing him tonight and will have to pretend I am all ok and everything is ok, and he will tell me how much he has missed me and wait for me to say the same.

Good luck OP X

Good luck op

Just a thought, OP: I wonder if the sender of the email, or someone else who knows about the email, has told him about the email and that's why he's suddenly feeling 'ill'? Is it possible that he's now racing back in order to evaluate the situation and see if you've read it?

Best wishes - I know how you feel.

Good luck. Rooting for you and hoping it is all nothing more than a troll getting kicks x