To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

[klf1307]

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

I do not expect him to do any housework. I used it as an example of how he will criticise but not attempt to understand. How he will point out problems but not find a solution.

He’s not your partner. It’s not his problem. If you want a ‘solution’ to the mess in your house get off your backside and do it yourself or hire a cleaner. Ex-boyfriends and co-parents don’t have to pick up after their exes. You are not in a relationship. You do not live together. He has zero responsibility for the state of your home. What he DOES have a right to do is point out if your home is not being kept in a fit state to rear a child. How on earth do you expect to bring up a child, work and keep your house when you can’t even do it when the baby isn’t here yet? This is YOUR problem and YOU need to sort it out.

Personally I'd be honoured if someone asked that of me and I'd certainly respect their wishes.

It’s his child. You are not ‘honouring’ him, he can tell anybody he likes anything about his child in any way that he likes and it’s none of your damn business.

If you want people telling in a particular way then tell them yourself.

I suggest you hire employees to do the stuff you’re asking him to do. They’re just about reasonable requests for employees but certainly not ex-boyfriends.

I don't know why people think not putting him on the birth certificate means there he dramatically loses something. He loses something for a max a few weeks. That's it. Till the courts sort it. It's beyond pointless. Not even that long if he acts immediately and takes it to court to prove paternity. They will order a dna test and it's game over for the op. So she stallls him for a month or six weeks. Who gives a shit. He will still be legally named the father by the courts as and when he wishes.

I do see why I'm getting lots of haters. This is a difficult and very emotive subject. None of you can possibly know exactly what's happening so depending on own experiences you either respond with compassion, or react with negativity. All of which I've read, accepted and taken on board. Although I'd obviously have preferred alternative points of view without nastiness and name calling I have been thinking hard all day about the possible impact my decisions will have long term.

And just to agree with Honeybadger and iBiscuit- you don't have to tell him when you go into labour. If having him there will cause you extra worry and stress- which you really could do without while in labour- then just tell him after the event, when you're ready. You will be the patient, and he has no right to be there or even to know that you are there.

Is the court case free then Bluntness. Who pays for the DNA test to prove he's the father of a child they both KNOW is his?

Op, you are totally missing rhe point. Your decisions will only impact long term if he choses to allow them. That's it. If he wishes to take parental responsibility he does a court application, they order a dna test and it's done.

You appear to be labouring under the misapprehension that you get to make this big decision. You don't. You get to make it until he and a court decides otherwise and it's not an expensive or,lengthy process either. In fact it's very quick and simple.

In fact it is worse than you not getting to call the shots. He gets to do more than you. He can chose to be involved or not. He can chose to be named as father or not. By either coming with you to register or applying to the court. He can even apply for shared custody and if he has someplace stable to live at that stage he will probably win.

Could he be criticising your house because that's his intent?

You really need to educate yourself here in terms of your rights and his. Because you're acting like his rights are your gift to bestow or withhold and they are not in any way shape nor form.

My opinion isn’t based on compassion or ‘hate’ or ‘negativity.’ She is his daughter. You are playing silly games.

It is absolutely not spiteful to register the baby's birth without the father there, nor does it make the OP a bitch. The baby's father can make the decision to apply for PR via the court if that's what he wishes.

No it's not free. It's 365 quid for the court application and it's 240if they order a test. I'm fairly sure if he wished to he could raise 600 quid, be it through beg borrow or steal.

He'll have the information on where and when she'll be registered.

@mightymucks My house is completely fit for habitation thank you and I'm very proud of the fact I not only have a very good job which has allowed me to buy my own home but also that I run that home entirely on my own, while maintaining good strong friendships, with enough means that I don't need to rely on anyone. Standards slipped last week as I had 3 10 hour days at work with an hour commute either way. I have been exhausted and I'm afraid the washing up hasn't been my priority. Taking care of my animals and myself has been... the fact I'm 7 months pregnant seems to have evaded you (did you even read my previous posts?)

I don't see anything unreasonable in asking the man who biologically is the father and who I've already said time and time again will have all the contact he wants to share the news.

It would be very uncommon for a court to order shared residency for a newborn baby, particularly if the baby were breastfed (not that OP has commented on that).

But why should he have to @Inertia when there is absolutely no dispute over paternity and the OP intends to maintain the father-daughter relationship? If shes worried about him taking the child out of the country she can apply for a prohibited steps order. Leaving him off the birth certificate achieves nothing.

I haven't missed the point. I'm trying to respond intelligently to approx 200 posts... i just haven't got there yet... the point that does seem to have been forgotten in all of this is that he doesn't hold British citizenship yet and my original question was regarding how to ensure DD remains in the UK should the worst happen to me

No one said shared residency. What was said was shared custody and I'd doubt anyone would wish this at the new born stage. By the time the courts had finished with that the baby would be a toddler. But the point is, he may apply if he wishes to at any point in the future. We have to stop pretending he has a window of opportunity when the child is a new born and that's it. He doesn't. He can apply for custody when she's five for example. And apply at birth to prove she is his.

Does he know the people you’re asking him to contact? Has he met them regularly? Because if not I can understand him being unwilling to carry out that role.

@gingerandthebiscuits please can you tell me about the prohibited steps order?

Op, the citizen ship makes it worse not better. After applying for paternal rights he can apply for dual citizenship with his home country.

I don’t think you can do anything to ensure your daughter remains in the UK if something happened to you. Your surviving relatives would have to take her father on in court if they wanted to challenge his right to care for her and, if he wished, remove her from the country.

And that is a good point.. no he doesn't know them well. I've come from my place of I would be thrilled to be asked to contact friends and family with something like this so I'll ask him to" but that's my own expectation and standards....

I’ve been 9 months pregnant with twins, a four year old and four cats and managed to pitch in. I had quite a bit of help but that was from my husband who I lived with and was in a relationship with.

You’re an absolute joke. You’re not going to put him on the birth cert and you’ve told him if you die he can’t bring up his daughter? Yet you expect him to pick up after you because you’re pregnant with his child? And you’re whinging he ‘hasn’t offered you a solution’?

He should have laughed in your face. The idea that you could treat him like that then expect him to clean up after you is just laughable. No way are you going to be able to cope with a child.

She can do something, she can indeed apply for a pso which stops one parent taking the kid abroad without the express permission of the other.

YABVU and the comments suggesting you leave him off the BC is a fucking disgrace. You're also wrong about trying to leave your child with your family instead of its actual father should you die. Wrong!

Some info here:
www.fraserbrown.com/article/prohibited-steps-orders

But to be honest if the worst thing you have is that he’s a bit of an arse, I think you’re unlikely to be successful. My friend was successful in getting one temporarily because her ex lives in a country that doesn’t recognise the rights of mothers and if he removed their son she would never get him back. Plus she had years of evidence of his emotional abuse and poor parenting.

Oh I wasn't aware it was hard to get,,,😔

@Bluntness101 presumably the PSO would cease upon the death (sorry OP - purely hypothetical!) of one of the applicants?