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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

282 replies

klf1307 · 26/03/2018 20:45

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 11:36

The only way you'd have got away with this was not to have told him you're pregnant and not to have him involved.

It's a shit thing to do to your daughter to have father unknown on the birth certificate, especially when you intend them to have a relationship

The sad truth is you are both her parents. You do not get to decide which parts of parenting he is permitted and what parts he isn't. That horse has bolted. Leaving him off the birth certificate is nothing more than a stall, he can easily prove she's his.

In addition you are failing to take into account you're daughters feelings. She may love this man and much prefer to be with him than your brother.

And lastly circumstances change. The father may ultimately prove to be the one best suited, many things could change in your brothers life, from illness, to divorce, to death, to redundancy. You could ultimately leave your daughter with no one.

Name him. For her sake.

Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 11:37

I've got the information I needed from this thread. Thank you to everyone who provided sensible kind points of view and advice. Thank you for sharing your stories and those of your friends. I know what to do now, you've really helped me and I appreciate it all very much. Flowers

OP posts:
Battleax · 27/03/2018 13:35

Do read up on Brexit arrangements.

If he’s here legally and is an EI citizen, there’s not going to be any issue with him staying. Those details have been published. So that’s one aspect settled.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 13:35

EU^

NFATR · 27/03/2018 13:37

There aren't any Brexit arrangements, just possibilities and suggestions.

Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 14:18

This there's no brexit arrangements. Trust me I've been reading this stuff till I have a headache trying to work it out. Until there is something concrete ie he has his citizenship DD and I are vulnerable

OP posts:
Battleax · 27/03/2018 14:22

Whatever else is still floating around undecided, Teresa May has given a guarantee that resident EU citizens will be able to stay and no government is going to be politically suicidal enough to renege on that. There’s really not going to be a mass expulsion.

Coyoacan · 27/03/2018 15:02

He hasn't even fathered the child yet, you don't know how he'll be when the child is here and real to him.

You see, this is precisely why I think the OP shouldn't put him on the birth cert. Would you give random stranger rights over your child for the next eighteen years?

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:04

Teresa May has given a guarantee that resident EU citizens will be able to stay and no government is going to be politically suicidal enough to renege on that. There’s really not going to be a mass expulsion

No she hasn't. No law, no arrangements, no written policies. Thats just something she said in a speech. And we all know how reliable that is to count on.

NFATR · 27/03/2018 15:05

Would you give random stranger rights over your child for the next eighteen years?

It's not a random stranger, its the other parent of the child. Their child as much as yours.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/03/2018 15:07

If he is making threats to kidnap his daughter you need to keep a record of what he said, when and where, every time he says it, and if the vague threats continue after her birth contact your local police station for advice.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 15:35

You see, this is precisely why I think the OP shouldn't put him on the birth cert. Would you give random stranger rights over your child for the next eighteen years?

He IS the father. He has rights already. Making it difficult for him to formalise those won’t go down well in family court if it comes to that.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 15:38

No she hasn't. No law, no arrangements, no written policies. Thats just something she said in a speech. And we all know how reliable that is to count on

Here;

www.gov.uk/guidance/status-of-eu-nationals-in-the-uk-what-you-need-to-know

Badwifey · 27/03/2018 15:49

Just because someone has a different culture/ heritage to you does not mean he cannot provide a good and safe upbringing for your daughter. You should really have thought thought his before you got pregnant. Leaving him off the birth cert because you don't want him to parent her in case of your death is disgusting in my opinion. He's very much entitled to be her parent same as you.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 15:54

Would you give random stranger rights over your child for the next eighteen years?

He's not a random stranger, he is the child's father and the mother is unable to remove his rights. Even if she doesn't name him it's irrelevant, a court will put that right in no time. She cannot legally remove his paternal rights any more than he can hers, yes she can lie on her own child's birth certificate and say father unknown, but it's irrelevant, it will simply stall proceedings by a few weeks whilst a court ordered dna test is done. When done, his paternal rights will be granted.

louise5754 · 27/03/2018 15:54

My sister in law is from a European country. She's very strict with my kids but spoils them with gifts / makes things with them / takes them out.

louise5754 · 27/03/2018 15:55

In response to @Badwifey

Queenofthedrivensnow · 27/03/2018 16:15

I wouldn't name him. It's the risk of abduction for me

Coyoacan · 27/03/2018 16:18

Of course he is the child's father, but this is the OP's child that she will have carried for nine months and she knows nothing about him. She would only not be giving him automatic his legal rights, she can still encourage their relationship.

Zeelove · 27/03/2018 16:24

The child's father should have the same rights as you. It's just bad luck you got pregnant with him. Now you have to deal with it. You can't just decided what he can and can't do.

Inertia · 27/03/2018 16:45

The parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities. The rights belong to the child. The father could apply to the courts for parental responsibility if not on the birth certificate, and the child will have the right to appropriate contact with the non-resident parent.

There's a load of nonsense spouted in some messages above about basic rights of fathers to be put on birth certificates. The OP is not married to the baby's father so cannot be put on the birth certificate unless he is there at registration, regardless of whether he is known or unknown. And given that he has said he intends to oppose everything the OP has asked for in terms of support , irrespective of whether that would lead to the best outcome for the baby and/or the OP, there's absolutely no good reason why the OP should have him there when she is at her most vulnerable, sore and exhausted.

If men want automatic parental responsibility for any children they father, they should ensure they only have sex with women they are married to.

And the most basic thing a mother can do for her child is to nourish, nurture and protect the child. A baby doesn't give a shiney or grainy mustard-coloured shite about their father being named on the birth certificate- he or she cares only about being fed, clean, safe and cuddled by their caregivers. Typical that some people believe men's pride is so important that they don't even consider the basic needs of a tiny infant.

OP, I hope you can decide to do what's best for your baby and for you.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 16:48

It's ridiculous to call this automatic rights. The man can seek a court injunction, deal with her and get a dna test and prove paternity very very quickly. She has no right to deny the father. She simply doesn't. Sure, we all agree she can lie, but he can step in and sort that very quickly indeed.

The fact she shagged him and had a child with him in a matter of weeks is irrelevant, there is no law says the mother can fuck the father over if she doesn't feel he's suitable or doesn't know him well enough. That's not how it works. If he is the father he has the same rights as her. If she tries to lie to prevent it, the law is enabled to ensure this is resolved quickly and she does not succeed.

The fact she carried the child is irrelevant, it does not reduce his rights

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 16:50

Inertia, what the actual fuck are you talking about. He does have rights. As does she. And children do not stay infants for ever. No one is talking about not caring for the baby. They grow up. And yes they too have rights.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 16:54

And given that he has said he intends to oppose everything the OP has asked for in terms of support

He said he will send a Facebook message to OP’s friend after the birth rather than calling her. Let’s get some perspective.

He can’t just be frozen out because OP fancies it.

This is a quite hysterical thread with posters urging OP on in her misguided ideas. Someone even told her to misuse a domestic violence charity to get advice. She’s not suffered DV, and the list of “wrongdoings” she ascribes to the father of her child is really quite petty stuff. He’s not her partner, so the partner-type support she can expect from him is naturally limited, rather than punishing him for that, she needs to spend the next few weeks coming to terms with the fact that he really is her baby’s father.

Mightymucks · 27/03/2018 17:00

I love the way the OP expects him to come round and do her housework for her because he has a responsibility to her when it suits her but not when it doesn’t.

If I’d given my DP a list of orders about who he was going to tell and how plus told him he wasn’t getting PR then I imagine he would have told me to take a flying fuck too.

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