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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not naming him on birth certificate?

282 replies

klf1307 · 26/03/2018 20:45

Hi. I'm in a pickle not knowing what to do. My daughter is due in 8 weeks and I'm having a tricky time with her father.

I need to tell our story so you understand. This is a bit long. I'll try to keep it brief as poss ...

We met in summer last year, I fell pregnant in a few weeks later, then we broke up early just after before I even knew I was pregnant (Approx 6 week relationship). I discovered I was expecting and took a couple of weeks to decide whether to even tell him - I did and he said he wants to be involved and until very recently he's been wonderful but there's always been a nag at the back of my mind.

Now the tricky bits... firstly he's eastern european and he's planning to apply for British citizenship in a couple of years when he can. I'm extremely worried about what's going to happen to him after brexit. He may have to leave the UK. He may not even be granted citizenship no matter what happens with brexit. He doesn't have a caterer or a stable job. He lives in shared accommodation. That's all fine, he makes his money and my daughter will be living with me and visit him weekly or so.

His family are very traditional. I know they want us to get married which isn't going to happen. He's not someone I want to be with because he has alarming traits such as if it's not important to him it's not important. He's also irresponsible and unable to see other people's needs, which worries me a lot as I don't think he'll take our daughter seriously.
Example... I'm 7 months pregnant and not once has he offered to help around the house - in fact it's a major clean up job after he's gone after listening to him complain about how messy the place is (I commute 2 hours a day to a demanding 40 hour a week job and I'm exhausted. Eating then sleeping is my priority when I get home).

Yesterday I tried to talk him through my birth plan. He doesn't want to be present.. which is fine as I have an amazing support system and I neither want nor need him there. But he basically told me he won't be honouring my wishes to the point he was telling me he'll do the exact opposite of what I want (ie facebooking my best friend instead of phoning her).

Finally and most worrying is that I've decided that if anything happens to me my brother and his wife are to become my daughter's guardians because they own their home, have stable good jobs, have been approved for adoption and they will never take her out the country. I've done this because my wishes are that my daughter grows up in the UK.

Although I know this hurt him (and it would hurt me too) I truly believe - with brexit, him not being British, his family wanting him to take her abroad to live - placing her with her uncle and aunty would be best and most stable for her.

He has said he'll not respect my wishes in this either even when I suggested it as a temporary solution until he's settled properly and even if (when) I write my will he would take my family to court to fight them.

I really don't want to cause a rift between my daughter and her dad, or her foreign family but I need to protect her. I need to know there's a concrete plan in place if the worst happens to me. I need to be sure she'll be safe and secure. Truly the only way I can think of to ensure my wishes as met is to register her without him, which makes me feel sick.

So if you got this far, thank you, and tell me am I being unreasonable to consider leaving him off and effectively cutting him out of her life?

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 27/03/2018 17:04

Thank you Inertia - a lot of people think that parents have rights over their children. They don't. The child has rights. The parents have responsibilities.

It is NOT this man's "right" to be on the child's birth certificate. The OP has expressed pretty clear doubts about his fitness to be a responsible parent. He might prove her wrong, but in the meantime I think it is entirely sensible to leave him off the BC - if he really wants to be a parent enough he will prove himself.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 17:11

It is NOT this man's "right" to be on the child's birth certificate. The OP has expressed pretty clear doubts about his fitness to be a responsible parent.

Maybe he’s expressing clear doubts about her. So what? They made a baby together, they’re both parents, they need to grow up and learn to cooperate properly.

RatherBeRiding · 27/03/2018 17:14

1989 Children Act
This Act was a landmark law, redefining the relationship between parent and child. It changed the previous emphasis from one of duty and rights of the parent to one of responsibilities. The Act uses the concept of ‘parental responsibility’ to describe the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority parents have for their child. In this Act, a child is a person under the age of 18

Taken from Parents' Guide to the Law, produced by Family & Parenting Institute, in case people need clarification of how the legal emphasis has changed in recent years from one of "rights" over children to "responsibility" for children.

Battleax · 27/03/2018 17:16

Yes we know Riding, “parental rights” were rebranded “parental responsibility” but in reality it’s a mixture of both.

Stop quibbling about the semantics and engage with the point which is whether OP can freeze out her child’s other parent for the crime of being uncouth.

BubblesAndSquarks · 27/03/2018 17:27

I don't understand the 'not able to take her out of the country' without being on the birth certificate thing.
Just get her passport ordered early on and keep it with you. You could possibly start more issues by leaving him off as if he's going to court to get parental rights he may as well ask for contact to be set at the same time and end up with you having less say in how long/when she sees him.

My DD went abroad (Europe) when she was 3 with a group of her dads family, so a lot of different surnames, her and another child different to anyone else's in the group, and no one questioned them.

thegreylady · 27/03/2018 17:40

Honestly I wouldn’t put him on the bc and I wouldn’t want him in the hospital when you give birth. Have your phone ready to send what texts you want and get your birthing partner to do it (including one to him) once the baby is born. Set up guardianship as you wish and live a happy life with your little girl. Facilitate contact once the child is older but I wouldn’t go beyond that. He sounds unkind and manipulative. Not someone I would want influencing my child.

OnionKnight · 27/03/2018 17:43

Is OP expecting the father to pay child maintenance?

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 17:52

The Act uses the concept of ‘parental responsibility’ to describe the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority parents have for their child

If clearly states rights in there. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2018 17:56

It is NOT this man's "right" to be on the child's birth certificate. The OP has expressed pretty clear doubts about his fitness to be a responsible parent

Of course it is. He can go to the courts and prove paternity if she refuses to acknowledge him. Her doubts are irrelevant. You're posting like you think a mother has the legal right to decide if a father has any rights or not. She doesn't. She can lie through her teeth and say father unknown, but that's all she can do and he has legal redress if she does.

Starchime22 · 27/03/2018 18:16

Don’t put him on! You can always add him later but you can’t take him off.

Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 18:17

Before throwing hatred at me please read my previous posts. But since it's unlikely you will I'll address your vitriol below...

I do not expect him to do any housework. I used it as an example of how he will criticise but not attempt to understand. How he will point out problems but not find a solution.

I do not expect him to pay maintenance. I've already said this along with how I shall be maintaining my independence financially from him and everybody else.

I did not "give him a list of orders" I expressed my wish for him to be the one to tell some of the most important people in my life some very happy news. I asked that this was done in a way that would be respectful to my relationship with them . Personally I'd be honoured if someone asked that of me and I'd certainly respect their wishes.

For the past 6 months I've been attempting to cooperate with him. But recently as I've also said his behaviour has changed for the worse

OP posts:
Battleax · 27/03/2018 18:21

Do you generally consider mild disagreement “hatred and vitriol”?

Inertia · 27/03/2018 18:22

If the father in this case doesn't attend the registration then his name can't be put on the birth certificate- that's not a lie on the mother's part, it's the law because they're not married.

Yes, babies grow up. And there is never any point in a child's life where the father's name on a birth certificate is the most important thing a mother can do for her child. It might be the most important thing for a father's view of his own rights, but I'd imagine that it's pretty universal for mothers to view the whole business of gestating and giving birth, for example, as even more fundamental and important than a man's name on a certificate.

The father can claim parental responsibility via the courts, if that's what he wishes to do. The OP has never said that she intends to lie to prevent him gaining PR. She has also said that she intends to facilitate contact.

Original poster
klf1307 · 27/03/2018 18:27

@battlax please go back through the previous posts
.. I've been called all kinds of names, had all sorts of nastiness thrown at me. That's not mild disagreement it's bloody horrible when I'm already trying to sort this out.

@inertia thank you for your valuable input. Much appreciated

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/03/2018 18:28

KLF- you don't actually need to involve him in sharing the birth news with your family and friends at all. It would probably be much simpler if you made arrangements with your birth partner about who to tell and how, and when the baby's father knows he can decide how he tells his own loved ones.

And actually, the baby has a right for both of its parents to provide for it financially. Being named on the birth certificate and giving the baby a particular surname are separate issues.

Nelly1727 · 27/03/2018 18:29

He is as much your daughters parent as you are. Surely in the event of your death any court would rule that your daughter should stay with a parent who has been involved In their life from day one rather than live with an aunt and uncle. Surely that is best for the child (unless you have concerns about his parenting which you haven't said)

HoneyBadgerApparently · 27/03/2018 18:33

OP I don't understand why you're getting so much hate!

You don't get to choose not to be there for the birth, why does he? Ducking his responsibilities already is not a good sign... I would consider not ringing him when I was in labour if he will just be prowling the corridor as you go through the worst 10+ hours of your life (sorry but it's awful)... and just send him a fb message if that's all he thinks your best friend is worth, who clearly loves you much more than this bloke.

Think of your daughter first, is he going to be critical with her? Let her down when she needs him most? Your responsibility is to her, not him. Leave him off the birth certificate, you don't know this guy. He is essentially a stranger you are letting your child around, DNA or not.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 27/03/2018 18:34

Can you see not see why that might be klf. Sounds like you think that you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy so you hold all the shots and don't want to be an equal partnership with him in parenting this child. I think you going to make life very difficult for yourself and your daughter if he does actually become an involved hands on Dad.

The father has every 'right' to be named on the BC of his child. In fact, it should be a legal obligation and not something that the mother can withhold just because he has pissed her off!

Inertia · 27/03/2018 18:34

I think the thread has moved on Nelly, and the OP has accepted that there's more to guardianship of a child than expecting your preferences to automatically be acted upon.

YourWanMajella · 27/03/2018 18:37

I do not expect him to pay maintenance. I've already said this along with how I shall be maintaining my independence financially from him and everybody else

Well you should. He should pay for his child and you should take it.

OnionKnight · 27/03/2018 18:41

Well you should. He should pay for his child and you should take it.

Why the hell should he if the OP won't name him as the father? Hmm

Inertia · 27/03/2018 18:42

But @Wannabewonderwoman, the father doesn't have the right to be named on the BC because they are not married. He CANNOT be named on the BC unless he is present for the registration of the birth, because they are not married. That's not spite, it's the law.

Going ahead with a pregnancy has nothing to do with holding all the shots over the father- why the hell does it have to be about a woman's opinion of a man, rather than her own choices over her own body? The OP made the decision that was right for her - it really doesn't have to be all about men.

Men who want automatic parental responsibility should make sure that they only have sex with women they are married to.

iBiscuit · 27/03/2018 18:45

I can't be doing with RTFT, because I'll get too riled by talk of "fathers' rights".

Anyway, my "father" isn't named on my BC. There's just a line I think through that bit. It has caused me very, very minor inconvenience with admin twice in 46 years.

I'm glad he has never been in my life, too. Turns out (unsurprisingly) that he's a bit of a dick and I haven't missed out at all.

Leave him off the BC, don't tell him when you go into labour, and make sure she has your surname.

Starchime22 · 27/03/2018 18:45

Onionknight he should pay because he’s the child’s father, regardless of being on the certificate or not

WannaBeWonderWoman · 27/03/2018 18:50

I think its common knowledge that the unmarried father has to be present at registration to be on the BC Inertia. Will the OP give him the opportunity to be there though or will she just go and do it without telling him, in the knowledge that he will have a costly court case ahead of him which will be difficult to navigate as a native speaker? That's just spiteful as other posters have said. I said she would be a massive bitch to do that and she would be if she did it for the reasons she's stated here.