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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex unhappy with DH

133 replies

freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:09

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 19:11

I really sympathise with your ex. Whilst your husband is being generous, it must be difficult for your ex to know that he couldn't provide in that way.

Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:12

mybrilliant

My ex is a good man and I can complete
understand why he's annoyed. I just don't know what to do about it

OP posts:
wowfudge · 26/03/2018 19:14

Hmm - is your teenage DS making comments to his dad or asking for things his dad can't afford? I'd try to find out whether this is coming your ex or your DS before doing anything.

BeckettsandChapel · 26/03/2018 19:15

I think if you’re new husband didn’t treat his step ds the same as the twins it would be cause for concern but at the moment he treats them the same but always defers to you and your ex for major decisions. He is being perfect and doing what everyone would want from him. If he was treating him differently than the twins you bet your bottom dollar the advice you would get would be to ask your husband to treat them all the same

CitySnicker · 26/03/2018 19:16

Surely it’s your family money...so you are both ‘spoiling’ him.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/03/2018 19:19

How tricky, OP. I think you either have it tone it down for all of your children, or treat them the same. It is far more damaging that your first son perceived himself to be treated differently, than his father feels upset about it. Not that I am saying your EXH feelings don’t matter.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2018 19:19

I don't think the misplaced macho pride of a grown man is the priority here

Your elder son should be made to feel a true member of the family and that should include him having equal access to the priveliges it can afford the twins

killinginthenameof · 26/03/2018 19:22

I don't think the misplaced macho pride of a grown man is the priority here

Exactly what I was going to say. As a mother I would never begrudge my child lovely things just because I couldn't afford to get them for him myself.

LouHotel · 26/03/2018 19:24

As much as i would sympathise with you ex. I cant get over turning down private education and i can really see your DS resenting is father in the future that his young brother had doors open for them that he didnt all because of his dad's pride.

Bluelady · 26/03/2018 19:24

Maybe your ex should think about this from his son's point if view rather than his own. How would your boy feel if he didn't get things his half siblings do just because his dad can't afford them? I think your ex needs to get over himself and be grateful your husband treats them all the same. Thousands wouldn't.

trojanpony · 26/03/2018 19:26

Well I can see the conundrum
It’s alright now but give it 5 years and you could be breeding a lot of resentment between the twins and your oldest because “they get more”.

Glovebox you compare t well with your ex can you explain this concern and try and find other non material ways for him to have a special bond with his son I’m thinking memory Making type stuff....

Pinkvoid · 26/03/2018 19:29

Your DS is incredibly fortunate your DH lovingly accepts him like this, many step-parents do not. I would be more concerned with him treating him differently than equally. The only issue is your ex’s ego.

spacecadet48 · 26/03/2018 19:32

My ex had a real issue about my NP treating my DS as his own. My DS now has three siblings and has never been treated differently and he did get a private education too which he would never have had if his DF and I had stayed together. I didn't want my DS to feel differently to his siblings and he doesn't. Your ex needs to get a grip and stop thinking of himself and he should be thankful of the opportunities your DS now has and not be critical of them. Your DH sounds lovely.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 26/03/2018 19:33

Why is it your husband treating your son and not you? Confused Why do you see it as his money when you're his wife?

choseausername1 · 26/03/2018 19:33

Tricky one. I can see both points of view- sounds like your ex feels usurped and inadequate because of finances.

I really feel for your ex. On the other hand, private school is amazing (IMO) and your son may resent it now if he’s not treated the same as the twins. He may resent it later if he realised it was available and he didn’t have that opportunity.

Maybe you could talk to your ex and reaffirm that your husband is not buying his son- then talk between you both and your son and ask him what he would like to do. That it’s not a choice between parents but everyone wants him to have the best opportunities.

You sound as though you have a great family dynamic- I don’t envy you.

Wishing you all the best!

choseausername1 · 26/03/2018 19:34

I meant that I don’t envy your situation, not your family dynamic!!

I’m an eejit Blush

diddl · 26/03/2018 19:35

How does your son feel about not going to private school?

Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:37

Re the private education. My DS has no idea that this was ever on the cards as we didn't discuss it with him. My EX wasn't comfortable that he wouldn't be able to afford to be able to contribute towards th me fees (he has children with his wife) and I felt like it would cause friction to boldly go against his wishes and send him. He is very very happy at the school he's at and has loads of friends and does well. I did ask EX if my DS had been gloating about what DH buys him and he swears he hasn't - he's just noticed that his clothes are trendy etc.

My DH has said that he would feel awkward to treat him any differently but doesn't know what the solution is.

OP posts:
Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:38

daily

My DH treats me very well but that isn't the point of my post

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 26/03/2018 19:38

Your son is way more important than the ego of your ex, although you may need to put it more sensitively when you talk to him!

peacheachpearplum · 26/03/2018 19:38

I really sympathise with your ex. Whilst your husband is being generous, it must be difficult for your ex to know that he couldn't provide in that way. So who do you upset? A grown man or a 13 year old who could end up feeling like the poor relation in his own home.

Gemini69 · 26/03/2018 19:39

Why is it your husband treating your son and not you? Confused Why do you see it as his money when you're his wife?

I think this is a more accurate question Flowers

MistressDeeCee · 26/03/2018 19:40

I can understand how your ex feels, but he is being unreasonable. He surely cannot expect that your DH buys for the children you 2 have together - but not for his son? If he would stop and think, he would know this isn't feasible.

No matter how it's explained away, your son will feel he's being treated differently by his stepdad. & even if situation is explained to him, he will likely deem his dad unfair and in future this could well impact on their relationship.

Your DH is doing nothing wrong. In your shoes I'd have a calm discussion with ex about it - once - then leave it at that. I don't think 'he can't have what his siblings have' will work in any form or fashion, and if your ex doesn't put his feelings aside for his son's sake it isn't going to go well

WowLookAtYou · 26/03/2018 19:40

The solution is for your ex to grow up and get over himself.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/03/2018 19:40

The solution is to smile brightly and say 'we realise we're incredibly fortunate in being able to treat all our children well. We are not going to treat DS differently to his siblings as that is patently unfair and will cause resentment.' And then you move on.

Don't indulge this petty boy-pride nonsense.