ex unhappy with DH

[freakydeakydo]

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

Is it because the children at your ex’s house feel hard done by do you think? Perhaps your son needs to tone down his ‘labels’ a bit while he’s there if so to try and blend into the family that end. It’s a tricky situation tbh, as far as school is concerned though I think you’ve made the right decision, based on what you and your ex can afford, and your DS will presumably ‘be equal’ with his other half-siblings. Blended families are hard work, but decisions need to be made by the children’s own parents whenever possible I think.

I think you're deferring too much to your ex. The most important thing here is that your oldest feels equally valued and cared for in the family set-up.

Your current DH is doing an excellent job of making sure that happens, your ex is trying to undermine it.

I'm sorry freakydeakydo, I don't quite understand why you're placing so much importance on the macho ego based wishes of your ex in regard to your DS. He is your child too, is he not.
What do you want for your son?

Do you interfere with the choices your ex makes in regard to your son when he is with your ex and his family. Do you tell ex what he can and can't buy your child. If not tell your ex that what you chose to purchase with your "family money" is absolutely none of his concern.

To be honest ex sounds like a jealous arsehole.

The 13 year old boy has two families. His mum’s family is wealthy, his dad’s family is less financially fortunate.

I think it’s important to engage with his feelings about this. And with the ex.

Is the ex concerned another man is providing things for his son he cannot or is he worried about the boy becoming too casual of wealth? Is he worried his son’s affection is being bought?

I think you need a proper sit down conversation with the ex about this and then a serious conversation with your son.

But the reality of life is some people have more. Your son is in a position to appreciate this more than most. And he needs to feel that he belongs in both families.

I don't understand why you would let your eldest go without because of his father's pride. I think he's a totally selfish bastard to say no to the private schooling.

Your DH has accepted your son as part of his family and is trying to treat him accordingly. I think that's wonderful. I suspect your ex is simply jealous, but he has no right to limit his son's opportunities.

I see that you don't want to rock the boat, but some things are worth making a stand over. I'd care more about my child's perception than the ex. When the twins go to private school, what will that say to him?

I think posters are missing the point that OPs DS has 2 families to fit into, and these should be given equal priority though.

You need to compromise. Your DH money is buying control, even if it is meant in a good way. I would separate issues into luxuries which your DH could go to town with, like expensive holidays, expensive restaurants, health insurance etc. And character forming parental decisions which your ex should have an equal say in, like private school, branded clothes, the latest iPhone etc.

You cant allow money to alienate your DC from their fathers culture.

Sorry I agree but your ex needs to get over himself.

It must be had for him and I suspect he feels like a bit of a failure.

I wonder if it's causing tension in his new relationship? Are there any similar aged children there that aren't so lucky and they are the ones noticing stuff and feeling hard done by.

Do you think you may be giving your ex husband too much power over your family dynamic?

I suspect he is comparing the lifestyle of his/your DS to the situation of the children he has with his wife and he wants them to be more equal. But frankly that's his problem, it's not something your family should need to pander to. He should be able to think about his DS too and see that he is suggesting he become the poor relation in his own family. I'd say carry on as you are, and if you feel you need to make allowances for your ex, send DS over to him in his cheaper clothing?

Where does exh draw the line?

Your dh wants to treat the family (inc your ds) to a meal at a top restaurant or go on a once in a life time trip to the moon, can your ds not go because exh can't afford it?

Ok, yeah it's true it's your dh's actual money but I'm sure you are contributing one way or another to the family finances so you can spoil/treat/buy things for all of your dc and keep it equal.

Your exh needs to think of his ds which I realise must be hard for him as he has other dc but that's not your problem and if he isn't going to his dads and rubbing it in his other siblings faces about prices etc then there shouldn't be a problem. They'll probably have no idea if it's an expensive t shirt your ds is wearing if they are few years younger than him. As long as exh treats his dc all equally then that's all he should be worried about.

I wouldn't think it right that after around 5 years (based on DT's ages) of being treated equally by his Step Father (SF), DS is now going to start being told no or at the very least, he will see a 'decrease' in the things his SF buys as opposed to 'past practice' AND as opposed to what he sees his SF buying for his sisters. And all to appease the ego of an adult male who should be able to be glad that his son is being treated well (if extravagantly) by his SF. Or at the very least, bury his resentment for the benefit of the child.

Other than being perfectly honest with DS there's really no way to change things without him feeling he's done something 'wrong' or is otherwise now 'lacking' in SF's eyes. And I suppose that your Ex doesn't want to be honest and say 'It bothers me that SF buys you so much and I can't, so I've asked him to stop'. That would be the honest way of handling it.

I do suggest you try to be the 'purchaser of luxury goods' as much as possible, even if it's a 'known thing' that the money is your DH's. At least your DS will be saying "Mum bought me..." as opposed to "SF bought me.....".

I'd be telling my Ex that things will not be changing.

I may be missing something but what is your AIBU?

The wealth, the twins, the good relationship with the ex, the childhood sweetheart are all made clear - I'm not sure what you are doing that you want a YABU/YANBU on? Or is it a reverse and you are the ex DH?

If your DS is happy where he is, and he has good friends there, he probably wouldn't want to move. My DDs have really good friends at their (state) school who live close to us and who they see outside school. If they were moved to a private school, they wouldn't appreciate it, however good the school might be. Not all children do better at private school anyway.

But the decision shouldn't be based on whether your ex feels threatened by the fact that your DH can afford it and he can't. He needs to get past his male ego and be grateful for the fact that your new DH wants to treat your DS the same as his own DC with you.

If ex is reasonable then I would have a proper chat with him about it, explaining that you understand but also why should DS miss out? If they are things that ex knows he enjoys and would want him to have them by any other means, say a grandparent, then hopefully he can try to put his own hand ups aside and be happy that his son is treated we and gets nice things and is still a great kid.

I feel so bad for you all, even though you all seem to be wanting the best for all the children I think you ex could be feeling his pride hurt.
How would your ex feel if your DS went to him and said he was being treated differently to his brothers they were getting new things and he wasn't, it may be hard for him but he has to think about DS feelings

"But the decision shouldn't be based on whether your ex feels threatened by the fact that your DH can afford it"

I agree.

It could be that Op's son will do as well where he is as the twins will at private.

As it is they will always have been privately educated from the get go so things would never be entirely equal.

Perhaps the knowledge that tutors/college/uni are all an option is enough?

My mother's second husband was very wealthy. My father wasn't. When they were together, and even afterwards, my sd was very generous to me.

It would have been very weird if my father had objected because he couldn't provide the same - I would not have been impressed. Fortunately he didn't and I had a very good relationship with him until he died, which was in no way diminished by also having a very good relationship with my sd.

Well I would be annoyed beyond belief if anyone sent my child to private school against my wishes. I would only agree in very specific circumstances regardless of cost or who would be paying as I generally object to them unless there is absolutely no viable alternative in a state school.

Re the expensive clothing and gifts, I would find it a bit upsetting but I would not object in any way as I imagine the child would like this so it would be fine with me.

Where does this stop? Is ds not allowed to go on nice holidays with you and his brothers but only the holiday his dad could afford? Is he able to live in your large and comfortable house and eat food from expensive supermarkets with you or is he expected to sleep in a bunk in the box room and only eat food from cheaper shops to recreate his dad's housing? Can he ride in your nice car or is he expected to take the bus and meet you and his brothers there?

I can understand his dad's dented pride but complaining about him wearing pricey clothes is ridiculous. I agree with PPs, treat him the same as his brothers but just don't be ostentatious in flashing it in front of dad.

Are you sure your ds isn’t going to resent not going to private school as he gets older?

What if, a few years from now, when his younger siblings are sent to private school, your DS starts wondering why he wasn't given the same option? Is your Ex willing to take the blame for this?

On the other hand, your Ex might feel he wants all his children to be treated the same. The children he has with his new partner might be jealous of their older brother.

I think your XH is being completely unreasonable. My ex feels bad that he is not contributing to the costs of our son’s education (my parents are very generously footing the bill) but he recognises that that is his issue, and wouldn’t have dreamt of trying to prevent it going ahead. You new H sounds like the perfect stepfather, your X needs to give his head a wobble.

Don't stop treating your eldest the same as the twins. That would be worse than upsetting your exDH. He'll get over it but your eldest could have resentment if he sees the twins getting more. You are lucky your DH is a decent fella.

THIS ^

How will your DS feel if you start leaving him out of family treats because it is somethings biological father couldn't afford? Or if he has to get clothes from Primark while his siblings get trendy brands? Or if his Christmas and birthday presents cost a tenner while his siblings get expensive stuff?

How would your ex feel if his son was treated as a poor relation in his own home? Would he feel for him? Would he want his child to feel rejected?

Does it not occur to your ex that the reason his son continues to do well at school isn't just that he is intelligent and motivated, but that he feels loved and secure and is neither upset nor resentful of the treatment his siblings receive compared to his own?

Could your ex be resentful on behalf of his new family? Do you think perhaps your ex's wife is angry that her children aren't getting the privileges your DS is?

Do you think it is fair to deprive a happy and well-adjusted child of the comforts and emotional support he is receiving?

Children can be happy in a family with few material comforts - but only if they feel loved and cherished, and that the resources are shared fairly,

To have one child in the household feel that they are loved less than the others because the love they have received is being apparently withdrawn, is cruel and divisive. He may come to resent his siblings and your DH; he may become unhappy or even depressed.

Tell your ex that while you sympathise with his predicament, you aren't prepared to make your son suffer for his ego. Point out that your DS still wants to spend time with his biological dad, so he obviously doesn't feel that his dad should be doing more for him. and it shows that he cares for his dad and not just want him for what he can give him.

You seem to be blessed with a generous and loving DH, and a happy, intelligent and well-adjusted son. Don't spoil it by catering to your ex's idiocies.

Sorry
I haven't read all the responses so apologies if this is repeating what a lot of people have said
But your EX needs to get over himself

Why would he not want the best things for his son?
Why would he restrict his opportunities?
Your DH sounds amazing and you are very lucky to have someone like him!
Your EX needs to swallow his pride - as it is totally misplaced
Money doesn't make someone a better father - let him focus on being a good dad- someone his son can turn to and talk to and learn from- don't let his inability to provide financially get in the way of that.
He should be proud and happy that his son gets to wear these amazing clothes and go to a private school without him having To even worry about it!
There are so many other ways he can provide and be there for his son

I think you just gently need to explain to ExH that its not a competition, DS doesn't see it as Dad not being as generous as DH and that he loves him for him and for being a great DF, also explain that he just sees it as 'stuff' and if DH stopped buying him things when he gets things for the twins though he may start to resent being treated differently.

I would also agree with the pp who suggested that you tone it down to the more generic clothes when he goes to his Dads just so he's not clocking another new thing.

I have a similar issue but that my ds and dd are 8 and 9 and we ‘spoil them’ in a way their dad can’t.
He has made it clear he isn’t happy about it. I have made it clear it’s none of his business how much the children’s trainers cost etc so long as they are clean and correctly fitting etc x