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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex unhappy with DH

133 replies

freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:09

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 26/03/2018 21:39

How does your older son feel about the twins going to private school?

JustMarriedBecca · 26/03/2018 21:40

Wow this issue is split!

I would take private education out the equation. People are against private education for many reasons. My husband and I could afford private education but we were both educated at grammar and (failing) state schools respectively and we've done as well as we could in our respective fields. I know if we separated, he would refuse our children going to private school on political and social grounds over cost.

However, aside from that, I think you need to view your finances with DH as joint and spend them as you see fit - on all children equally. I'd be encouraging your ex to spend time - making memories type stuff as someone has described it before. We have big holidays and UK holidays and our kids talk about the UK holidays crabbing and rockpooling than they do over AI resorts in the Carribean. If your ex disagrees then I'd be knocking the chip from his shoulder and asking him politely to get over himself

hilzilla · 26/03/2018 21:41

OP states her DS is at a brilliant state school, he clearly wants for nothing , is doing well and is happy and settled both at school and home. What's the point of changing schools for no good reason? Could be unsettling and create a whole new set of problems for this boy at a critical time in his life.

LML83 · 26/03/2018 21:47

It sounds like for the most part you are all doing the best for all your kids. Your ex is being a little petty/selfish but what I am hearing is he wants the chance to treat his son but can't compete. The next time your ds is due the latest computer game or similar is there a way you can tell your ex? possibly would be patronising but sounds like you communicate well so might work.

Either way it is more important ds is treated the same as your other children and it's lovely your dh feels the same. Try and be sensitive to ex but realistically he won't want ds feeling different to twins either.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/03/2018 21:48

some people have ethical issues with expensive or designer brands and private schooling and with paying their own way in life. Being the less-well-off parent doesn’t mean your should get views get over-ruled automatically.

Education is something that involves both parents, though I hope he did block private schooling for ethical reasons and not for the reason I suspect which is that he couldn't provide the same for his children from his second marriage. But how they clothe him at his other home is none of his business. If he is against expensive clothes ethically and wants to dress him from the supermarket he gets to make that choice. He doesn't get to over-rule either.

dragonwarrior · 26/03/2018 21:48

OP good grief I actually feel for you, your relationship with your DH shouldn't be under scrutiny in this post! I understand what you mean because it is his family money, yes he shares the wealth with you but it was there before you were with him not a joint effort towards the wealth!

Anyway.... I can see your ex point of view, this isn't about your son suffering any hardship, just your ex feeling a little like another man is majority raising his son. Perhaps you can sit down with ex and discuss how would your son feel to be the one left out? But equally he is 13 so you can try explain to him that he has another parent that buys him other things too so there will be things the twins get etc that he doesn't but equally he gets opportunities with his own Dad that they don't get and try to reach a healthy mid ground?

Northernparent68 · 26/03/2018 21:52

Op, what’s your view on designer gear for children ?

Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 21:58

Thanks dragon I thought it was clear that without my DH this wealth wouldn't exist for me and my DS so by default, the money is coming from my DH whether it's me buying the nikes or him Confused

I do work btw before I'm accused of living off my
DH. Old habits die hard but I'm not in a position where, on my own, I could afford the all saints clothes or the latest football boots.

My DH understands that my EX might feel like my son will ultimately prefer DH because he is the one giving him this fantastic lifestyle but my DS spends lots of time with his dad and we encourage it because he is a good man and good dad. We always make sure that he's spoken highly of in our house (as is his wife and dc) to make DS know that we are part of a team I guess. I'm actually a bit upset at the idea of my ex feeling inadequate Sad

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/03/2018 22:07

And you're sure jealousy isn't a factor at all?

I find it hard to reconcile the idea of your ex being a good man with the fact that means you may have to sit your 13 year old down and explain that he can't be treated the same way as his siblings, so as not to hurt his father's feelings? That sounds inherently selfish to me.

TotHappy · 26/03/2018 22:08

Yes, what dragonwarrior said - he has 'another' family that the twins don't have, so sometimes they get gifts when he doesn't because he gets gifts at his dad's? I dont know, it's so tricky isn't it. I can imagine if i was your ex really wanting to treat my son but feeling miserably that a 'treat' from me isn't really a treat to him because he gets everything anyway, no questions asked. I mean... If there's something your son really wants, does your ex get a chance to save up and give it for his birthday? Or is it that your dc just get gifts as and when, because you and dh can afford it so you just do it? I can see how that would be really hard for your ex because he never gets to see ds sure excited over a gift he's given. But then you couldn't buy presents for the twins as and when and tell your son that only he has to wait till his birthday. I suppose my solution is to only buy treat things for any of them as a Christmas, birthday or special reward treat. But then who am I to tell you how to bring up your kids!!!! Aarghh what a tricky one!

ltk · 26/03/2018 22:15

I think you should make every decision based on what is best for your son and get ex on board with that agenda. DS would grow up to live in a very different culture from your ex: private school, expensive home and holidays, possibly lots of help as a young adult, maybe with further education paid for or housing or help getting set up in a career. Or, your ds can live in a very different culture than his twin siblings - passing on all that stuff because his Dad cannot afford it.

What happens with university costs? DS in debt and twins all paid for?

It's not that one life is better than the other, or that private school and debt-free uni and a business loan from stepdad would make him happy and state school and some debt will make him unhappy. Clearly that's rubbish. But I think you should offer the former to your DS, as it is on the table. And if it is best for him, then his Dad should be all for it.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/03/2018 22:26

The other reason I think you’ve done the right thing about schools is (and I really hope it won’t happen, but life can be unpredictable) what would happen about school fees if you and your DH split up in future? Obviously he would be prepared to pay for his own twins schooling, but you can’t be sure he wouldn’t change his mind for a son that isn’t his.

FontSnob · 26/03/2018 22:29

sockunicorn has hit the nail on the head. Ex (and you) need to put ds first, above ex’s feelings.

Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 22:30

northern

To be honest the twins aren't billboards so they're not emblazoned with logos and are generally dressed in zara, mango and H&M clothes. 13 is that tricky age where my DS is starting to become a bit more image conscious and likes the way my DH dresses so he likes to wear similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 22:34

I also realise that I am fortunate that this is not the worst position to be in. What I don't want to happen is to create a gulf between my ex and I when we've managed happily for years. In all honesty I'd find it really sad.

I am going to take a few pointers on board from here though and I'm going to sit down with my DH first and really explain how I feel. Then I'm going to sit down with my exh and reiterate that I don't think my DH and I can treat the children differently

OP posts:
TotHappy · 26/03/2018 22:35

@ltk though, is it best' for his son though? I can see why he might think a bit of debt would be better than a free pass to life.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/03/2018 22:35

But how they clothe him at his other home is none of his business.
But it is if he is wearing them at his dad’s....
Personally I would be for a compromise. Don’t spend lots and lots on expensive clothes, have a few items if you want to, but go for good quality less flashy stuff for the rest. (Actually I would do the same for your twins, they are 5!) Spend the money on experiences perhaps (skiing, mountain biking trips?) or something else. that’s not obviously rubbing your ex’s nose in it. I’m sure between a group of obviously caring adults that think a lot of your DS you can find a happy medium that suits everyone! Also it doesn’t hurt to let children have to save up and/or work for their luxuries either, it’s good for their development and independence and helps avoid a sense of entitlement in future.

cheeseandpineapple · 26/03/2018 22:42

Your DH sounds generous and well intended but irrespective of your ex’s views, your DH isn’t doing any of your children any favors by buying them whatever they want. I agree with the earlier poster about pocket money and earning money in order to grow up valuing money.

Could you agree with your DH and ex a fixed amount of pocket money which is split between you?

jpclarke · 26/03/2018 22:55

Your ex needs to get over himself and grow up this is his issue not yours or your sons. I would just carry on as normal and tell him you are not going to have your son treated any different to his siblings.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 26/03/2018 23:09

So would you force a different (private) school on your DC just because you think a more expensive education is better than a state one against the opinion of the other parent?

Brendaofbeechhouse · 26/03/2018 23:27

A teenager who wants to dress like his late 30s stepfather. Has the world gone mad?

gooseygoosegoose · 27/03/2018 00:37

@Brendaofbeechhouse what's wrong with that? My ds likes the way my dh cuts his hair and gets his done the same.

Your ex needs to get a hold of himself. It's none of his business what you spend your money on.

diddl · 27/03/2018 08:51

" Old habits die hard but I'm not in a position where, on my own, I could afford the all saints clothes or the latest football boots."

But doe he need these to feel part of your family with 5yr old siblings?

"where my DS is starting to become a bit more image conscious and likes the way my DH dresses so he likes to wear similar."

Again-he doesn't have to have the most expensive/designer options even if your husband does.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/03/2018 08:56

Do the twins need to be so well dressed? Can't you find a happy middle ground where all 3 kids wear the same price band of clothes. I.e no crazy expensive label stuff for any of them. Its a bit excessive to dress kids in expensive labels.

Bluelady · 27/03/2018 09:05

it's worth pointing out to all those of you who are being so critical of OP and Mr OP's parenting that Mr OP obviously grew up in a relatively wealthy family and his attitude to money srems from that. The result seems to be a very fair, generous, caring and kind man. It hasn't done him any harm.

Whoever said a bit of debt is a good thing needs to rethink that. One of the worst thing about student fees and loans is a whole generation that sees debt as normal. Many of my generation have a horror of it passed down by our parents.

There's nothing wrong with kids having nice things if their parents can afford them, it would be perverse to deny them if you can afford them.

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