ex unhappy with DH

[freakydeakydo]

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

We can afford designer labels for our kids but it's a route I steer them away from

I can't understand a parent not wanting things for their children that they cannot afford themselves - that's pure ego. What OP is talking about is nothing to do with lavish spoiling! I have half siblings who do not have the privileges I had growing up (big age difference), and I once asked my father if he is fine with me buying them expensive presents or if that would be awkward for him, and he was delighted that they would be able to have some things they otherwise wouldn't be able to! No, of course it wouldn't kill them not to receive those things, but if they have the option then why on earth not? Especially in your case where their siblings receive them! People suggesting you tone down how you treat the twins are also crazy - why the hell should you? Because a grown man has a chip on his shoulder?

So would your ex be happy if your DTs wore trendy clothes and his DS wore cheap ones? I think your ex needs to take a deep breath and lose the monumental chip that he has on his shoulder. Your DS sounds happy, well-adjusted and loved by both his dad and his stepdad (the latter who treats him like a DS). Your ex needs to get over his wounded pride and stop being chippy.

I would suggest private 6th form, then your DS will fit with his dads family for school and still have the private and fit with your twins for private, best of both worlds.

If you DS is at a good school, which he enjoys and is doing well, then leave it be. If your DH buys his DSS expensive clothes, that’s his prerogative. Your ex needs to learn to bite his tongue and not be jealous. The child’s happiness & stability is the most important.

The elder DS has two parents. Neither has a veto on decisions made for him. OP has as much right to want the advantages his DSF and she can buy for him as her ex has to deny him these advantages.

OP, ask him what he wants - change schools now or stay put, private 6th form or not, and take it from there. Surely his father won't insist that his DSF can't pay his University costs, and that the boy must take loans?! And what about future expenses - driving lessons and such?

His father seems to be putting his own ego and pride before the welfare of his son. He should be pleased that his son is so well placed. and stop thinking only about himself.

Op I don't think your dh is doing anything wrong and the issue is your ex's.

It could get tricky for when he learn to drive and perhaps you need to raise this now. You buy him car and your ex pays for his licence or lessons for example. That way ex feels included and your ds knows that you both contributed.

With regards to uni again I think you need to have this out now with your ex. Don't saddle your son with debt just so your ee deels better. Maybe suggest that you pay his fees and rent and your ex gives him some money towards living expenses. Again he feels involved.

Your ex needs to get over himself and his giant ego and do what is best for his son. Does he really want his son to grow up thinking his stepfather (and step relatives?) don't see him as a true part of their family because he's not afforded the same things as his half brothers/their blood family? Because that's what will happen.

If your DH is happy and willing to pay XX amount for shoes for the kids, why should your oldest only be allowed to have the X priced ones just to appease his father's ego?

Why are you prioritising your ex husband over your own child? Treating your oldest child as less than his half brothers is going to lead to all sorts of issues down the track.