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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex unhappy with DH

133 replies

freakydeakydo · 26/03/2018 19:09

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/03/2018 20:41

He should be proud and happy that his son gets to wear these amazing clothes and go to a private school without him having To even worry about it!
some people have ethical issues with expensive or designer brands and private schooling and with paying their own way in life. Being the less-well-off parent doesn’t mean your should get views get over-ruled automatically.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/03/2018 20:41

*your views should get over-ruled

TotHappy · 26/03/2018 20:42

Agree with what walkingdead said. I think all this 'how can he object to dh treating your son well' misses the point that these things are luxuries, not necessities. I dont agree with private school on principle, I also think, having grown up in a 'normal' family, that I would be very perturbed, as your ex is, in this situation. That's because doing without things, saving up for things, budgeting teaches life skills that I think are important. Everyone wants the best for your son, including your ex. It's not like he's refusing your dh and you to pay for a life saving operation for ds! It sounds like he's uncomfortable with the spendy consumerism and I would be too. I would want to have some say in how much non-essential 'stuff ' my ds gets. Designer clothes for a 13 yo are ridiculous imo. But for me that,would go for the twins too.

I do understand how difficult this is to actually find a compromise on though. I think you see both sides and didn't mean to come across as ranty but do want to counter the majority of posters suggesting that your ex wants your ds to 'miss out'.

Wherearemymarbles · 26/03/2018 20:52

There are of course people who are anti private school and if that were the case fair enough. He might also fear that a private education will turn his son into someone he no longer recognises so might not be just a matter of pride

Either way though I think DS comes 1st when all is said and done.

Dangerousmonkey · 26/03/2018 20:52

It doesn't really matter having luxuries in one home environment and not in another UNLESS the DS develops a grabby selfish attitude. Generally my ex is pleased that my daughters get to do interesting things or occaisionally get something that's a treat without him paying for it.
It's really about your son's life and hopefully growing up to be aware of the advantages he has and appreciating the emotional support of ALL his parents.

BarbarianMum · 26/03/2018 20:54

I agree with slightlypeturbed. Your ds is part of not just one but 2 families. That's a difficult juggling act but his family with his dad is important too.

seabase · 26/03/2018 20:56

Jezz some step parents can't win ....

Cambionome · 26/03/2018 20:56

I still don't understand your attitude to money and to your dh. You are married. ALL assets are joint. Why are you behaving as if the wealth is nothing to do with you? It is family money. Does your dh or his family make you feel that you don't have joint control over spending? If you sorted this out you would be well on the way to finding the answer to your problem.

honeyroar · 26/03/2018 20:57

It's a tough one. We are in your ex's shoes. I guess the difference with us is my husband's ex expects us to put in as much money as she does for cars and things, and then screams that he's a bad parent when he simply can't afford to. She did put him into a private school for a year when she split up from her next husband. We were asked to pay half, we simply couldn't afford it and didn't want him to be uprooted in his final six months of junior school anyway, but she did it anyway. Her rich dad paid. The following year she put him back into the state school system (saying she couldn't afford it thanks to us) and he's done superbly well, in fact much better than the peers he had at the grammar school that he kept in touch with. He did get a lot of designer things from that side of the family. As a younger teen he didn't care, nowadays he seems to value money a lot, and consequently favours the side of the family that can buy him cars and things. It is quite sad for us to see. We do our best for him, contribute half to his uni costs, but we can't compete in the grand scale of things. It does feel like they were able to buy him, so to speak.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 26/03/2018 20:58

Can I add, a child is not 'missing out' if they dont have £1000 Nike trainers, a £1000 iPhone, or go to a private school.

State schools get better exam results than private ones, you can run a marathon in non Nike trainers in just as fast a time, you can also make a phone call from phones that aren't an iPhone.

Children are not 'missing out' just because their parents aren't millionaires.

iheartmichellemallon · 26/03/2018 20:58

I think your DH sounds like a great step dad & your ex needs to get over himself. The only time I might agree with him is if your DS is turning into a grabby, selfish, materialistic boy but that doesn't sound like the situation here, so it's purely about your exes ego.

TheJoyOfSox · 26/03/2018 20:58

It seems unfair on your ds to say “you can’t have this, because your father is too poor and your father won’t allow stepdaddy to provide you, still never mind, you can watch the twins enjoy theirs!”

Who matters most? Your child or your ex? Because you seem to be putting your ex feelings before your child’s.

OCSockOrphanage · 26/03/2018 21:03

Private education is (often, but not invariably) more personal than even the best state school could ever be. I think your first child will eventually feel a bit short-changed but I suggest you look for the next natural change point before changing school.

And, yes, your ex has behaved well but this is all about a very long term future for all your children and I would not want any possibility that your eldest was sold short, even if down to his father's pride.

Totsntantrums · 26/03/2018 21:04

As you and DH are married surely it is your money too so why does it have to be step dad paying for it all, surely it is both of you and you can buy what you like for your son.

Idontdowindows · 26/03/2018 21:05

Children are not 'missing out' just because their parents aren't millionaires.

Absolutely true. On the other hand, it's unfair to exclude one sibling from expensive gifts that the other children are getting.

Ariesgirl1988 · 26/03/2018 21:08

I can see both sides of the coin here but really from the sounds of things it seems your ex feels a bit bad cos he probably can't afford to buy the latest stuff however its not fair of him to expect you and DH to not buy that for DS1 if the twins are getting them otherwise your son will start noticing he isn't getting but they are. Maybe you should have a word with your ex one on one and reassure him that your DH isn't trying to "buy" your son but merely just offering him the same chances as his brothers re: private school. RE: buying gifts simply explain again that DH just didn't want DS1 to be left out. Other than that there isn't much more you can do I'm sure your ex would be pretty pissed off if DS1 didn't get equal treatment to his brothers and soon have something to say Hmm

Allthewaves · 26/03/2018 21:11

Does your ex ever get to buy ds things he wants? Tbh I would have more concern with ds not having any money sense or value of things.

How old is his half siblings with his dad? I can imagine it's hard if ds goes around their with the latest kit or latest gadget that ex cant afford for his siblings

Dancinggoat · 26/03/2018 21:15

I totally understand that it is very hard to feel that someone is able to provide more than you can for your child but there are two issues here.

The first. Don't give your feelings more importance than what is beneficial for your child.

The second. People forget how powerful love and consistently being there emotionally and physically is. This overrides materialistic things. His child will love him and feel his dad has been the best for these two reasons only. How often the value of this is not realised.

UpstartCrow · 26/03/2018 21:20

Good parents want their children to do better in life than they did themselves, and boost them.

horseknickers · 26/03/2018 21:22

M

MillieMoodle · 26/03/2018 21:26

You say that your ex-h has other children now with his new partner. Is it possible that when your DS goes to stay with his dad, his siblings on that side see the expensive/branded things he has and your ex feels uncomfortable because he isn't able to provide the same for his other children? I can see that it could make things awkward.

As a PP says, your DS has to fit into both families - one wealthy and one not - and that's probably not easy. Maybe talk to your ex about the reasons for his concerns? Maybe your DS could avoid wearing the obviously expensive stuff/ taking expensive gadgets over to his dad's so his other siblings don't feel left out?

branstonbaby · 26/03/2018 21:27

I would reassure your ex that you can't, in all honesty, treat DS any different from DT as they are all your siblings and that wouldn't be fair on him. I would gently reassure him that what DS needs is time with his dad, of which he is the only one. A present parent cannot measured in financial terms, and that is what DS will remember as he grows up.

But you will both provide for him, in accordance with your capabilities and the important thing to remember is that it isn't a competition.

Good luck!

Terftastic · 26/03/2018 21:29

Agree with AnyFucker - right at the beginning of the thread.

The child comes before the ex's pride.

honeyroar · 26/03/2018 21:32

Expensive trainers and designers shirts don't mean that the child is having a better life. In fact giving them everything does them no favours. There needs to be a balance or you end up with an entitled child.

We never said anything, but it does hurt when the child chooses the money side of the family.

Could you just put him in lower value clothes when he goes to his dad's so it doesn't feel like it's being rubbed in his face? (I know he will choose his own clothes). It might not even be a bad thing to say " your dad's feeling a bit sad that he can't afford to buy clothes like this for you, so perhaps we should keep the posh stuff for here so he's not upset?"

sockunicorn · 26/03/2018 21:38

@freakydeakydo to put a slightly different spin on this...I am a stepchild. When younger I witnessed my step family treating my younger half siblings (their blood family) differently. They handed gifts over in front of me and left me out etc. only 6 years difference so it was noticed and it hurt (Its not like I was much older and understood the dynamic). No harm was meant - I just wasnt seen as their family. My parent never stood up for me and it was "fine".

So, if you go your exes way with this I can only see 2 outcomes;

  1. You explain to your son his dad doesnt want your DH spoiling him. And it causes a massive rift between EX & DS.
  2. Your DH just stops spoiling him, no explanation, and your DS wonders what he did wrong and why he isnt treated the same as his siblings.

I dont think either of these are even worth exploring. Tell your ex to get over himself. Your son has enough love to go around and wont be swayed by a few pairs of football boots if thats what EXH is worried about.