ex unhappy with DH

[freakydeakydo]

Okay this might be a bit long but here goes.

I went out with a guy from the age of 15-21. He was from a very wealthy family. We split on good terms. Too much too young.

I met my ex DH at age 22 married at 23 and had our Ds at 24. He's a nice guy but in hindsight I was probably on the rebound and we split when I was 27 and my son was 3.

I spent 3 years single and built up my career while raising my son. Ex DH has been great and we co parented really well. He met someone else and it was very cordial and civil. She's great with my DS and they get on well.

As luck would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweet heart when I was 30ish and we married and had twins. The twins are now 5 and my DS is 13.

As I said earlier, my DH and his family are wealthy and they treat my DS like he's their own and never see the twins get something and leave him out. My DH offered to pay for my DS to be privately educated like our DTs and I ran it by my Ex who said no which I totally understood. He's at a great school and doing well. However, my ex has asked that my DH stops being so generous to DS as he feels like he can't compete. My DH has always deferred to my Ex when it comes to any decisions regarding DS and, like was the case with the schooling, will put an offer on the table and let me and Ex decide between ourselves. He never mentions anything to Ds so he's unaware of these offers and decisions. My ex isn't happy that DH, on occasion, will buy my DS the latest trainers or football tops and clothes. He doesn't spoil him but he does treat him well. I really don't know what to do because I don't want any friction but I also don't want DS to think he's being treated differently to his half brothers.

Personally and unusually I do have sympathy for your ex. He is allowed to have his own views about how HIS child is brought up. He may feel that a quality local state school in the community is appropriate and offers a better education. Private schools do not always offer a better education or opportunities. I cant tell from your OP.

If you and your ex have a good co-parenting relationship about your oldest son then make sure that nothing damages that. It is OK for your son and your twins to have different opportunities.

You DH sounds lovely BUT do he and his family believe that money buys them everything they demand? Including your son. You say clearly that your DH offers but lets you and your ex decide. I just wonder if that is true as it seems.

to clarify again, I married into a very wealthy family. I have access to this wealth. However, I still have to consider my arc asnhe is the father of my son.

*ex as

I can't believe you would turn down a better school because your exH has a grudge against your H.

Why would you allow your son to have less than your twins? You aren't denying any contact, time, or access. He needs to be a grown up and get over it.

green

The private school wasn't mentioned again after I said my ex and I had discussed it and it wasn't on the cards. I gave him my ex's reasons and my DH didn't mention it again other than to say if he changed his mind then the offer still stood.

My DH and ex are on good terms and do chat at any events so I dont want there to be any friction

to clarify again, I married into a very wealthy family. I have access to this wealth. However, I still have to consider my arc asnhe is the father of my son.

Yes but the problem is you're presenting this as YOUR HUSBAND spending money on your son rather than you. It's very weird.

Think you need to make a point of it not being DH’s money but your money. So new trainers, well surely you can buy all of your DC new trainers, clothes etc. And say for the big items - eg new bike or a school trip you’d discuss those.

One possible compromise might be you pay for private education and your ex buys the treats like trainers. I can see you do n’t want your son to miss out on a good education but if your husband is constantly buying treats your ex might feel left out.

Awkward! I do think your ex needs to man up, there's much more to fathering than new trainers. Though I do understand the decision about schooling. Maybe you can help ex think of others ways, like 1 on 1 time with your DS?

Is your son aware how his Dad feels?

So your ex would rather your son be deprived of opportunities just so your ex's ego doesn't suffer, and you're letting him ...

But the wealth clearly comes from my DH. I don't see the point in pretending it doesn't. I have full access but without my DH my DS wouldn't have these expensive things. For example, my DH and my DS both like football so DH took him out and bought him great (so I'm told) football boots. He's purchased other expensive paraphernalia related to football that I've had no hand in buying.

Another example was my DH going out one Saturday afternoon wi moth all three boys and he bought my soon a couple of shirts from All Saints - I probably wouldn't have thought to spend that much on a 13 year old and my EX wasn't best impressed when he clocked them and the price

It doesn't matter that the wealth is provided by your husband. It matters that your husband wants to treat your boy the same as his own children and your ex is blocking your boy's opportunities because of his own ego.

Not often we have a thread on my complaining because the blended family are, well, blended! It’s great to have a supportive dh, and be on good terms with ex.

Sorry, can’t offer any practical,suggestions on the way forward apart from agreeing with the previous poster that everyone should see it from the dh’s point of view. How he feel if dh buys bio- children the latest adidas football boots, and then step-child only gets a cheap pair.

You say that you involve all decesion s regarding DS with ex, and I think you need to stress that this will continue and he a integral part of ds’s life. Dh is not trying to usurp,him with the expensive gifts, he just able,to,afford them.

(Ps. Sorry about the use of the term’bio-kid’, was trying to,differentiate between the children and forgot correct man acronyms).

Ysorry, see it from the ds’s point of view.

I don’t know why pp are suggesting it’s ‘weird’ to say it’s his money - some couples do keep aspects of their finances separate and that’s their prerogative and not weird at all.

Your DH is being petty and needs to grow the hell up. As if your son should see his brothers running round in expensive sports kit while he has cheap just because of his father’s fragile ego?!

He should want the very best for his child, as the resident parent you would generally buy sports kit clothes etc anyway so why why would he not want you to buy the best things for ds? It’s non sensical.

i think your ex needs to get over his jealousy tbh. he's doing his son a disservice by denying him these opportunities. what a shame.

Oh I wish I had your problems!

But I do see that it is a problem. May I ask is the wealthy inherited/regularly gifted from dh parents to him, or is this his personal income that he has secured (potentially from the advantage and educational he got by coming from a wealthy family).

Are you sure your ds isn’t going to resent not going to private school as he gets older? I think you need to make sure he isn’t. Just because you wanted your ds to go privately doesn’t make you any less responsible for the outcome. Bottom line, he may see it as you not fighting enough for him.

My mother wanted me to be privately educated at secondary. My father didn’t. I had an appalling secondary education. I see this isn’t the case for your ds though. However, my mother asked me if I wanted to go privately and I did. Then snatched the opportunity away.

Idk if your ex feels he will struggle to connect with your ds if he is privately educated. That I could perhaps understand more. But dented pride isn’t a very good reason.

nottaken

My FIL sat up a business many years ago and my DH and his bro joined the business young (the first time we were together!) and expanded it hugely. They've recently sold the business and are set for life.

Hi Freaky, it is great that your ex and DH get on well. That will benefit all the children (as they are blood siblings).

Interesting though that posters continues to imply that private education must be better. I live in a state grammar school area. Only a fool would send their children privately if their children can get into the grammars comfortably. As those grammars (both male and female) are always leading in national tables. No lack of opportunity here.

Does it not occur to these posters that your ex might have ethical views about private schools? Many bright educated people do.

Don't stop treating your eldest the same as the twins. That would be worse than upsetting your exDH. He'll get over it but your eldest could have resentment if he sees the twins getting more. You are lucky your DH is a decent fella.

Do you think that it was best for your son to not have a private eduation or best for your ex?

green I am in Scotland so no acess to grammar schools up here but he is at a brilliant state school

I've got to say regarding the schooling, I wouldn't like it if my children's father got with someone with loads of money and then I felt pressured in to sending my children to a private school when they are perfectly fine where they are.

Trainers, clothes, toys, gadgets, fancy holidays etc... Buy them whatever. Those things are all material and it wouldn't bother me. But schooling is completely different and I don't think private school is instantly "the best" anyway.