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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Set up by friends

236 replies

HoneyBadger32 · 26/03/2018 16:10

I will try not to make this long winded...

I have been friendly with a couple for a few years now. I coincidentally went to school with the husband and we went on two or three "dates" when we were about 15, I then ended up working with him after university many years later so i knew him first but now we regularly do things together as couples and I am very close with his wife.

A few weeks ago he called at ours after work to borrow some tools from my OH. His wife was away for work so I invited him to stay for dinner. All very normal. My OH went out to play football and he stayed to watch the end of a film we had put on after dinner. He then randomly starts a conversation along the lines of "do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we had stayed together...." Completely out of nowhere. I asked if everything was OK with his wife etc etc and we had a chat before he left.

fast forward to yesterday and his wife sends me a message saying she can't believe I wouldn't tell her if her husband was trying to cheat on her...I phoned her to try and figure it all out and she says that she had always thought I held a torch for him and that they concocted this plan for him to come onto me (which actually I really don't think you can say he did) to see whether I would tell her?

Tell me this isn't the most bizarre thing you've ever heard? What is the appropriate response to this? I was just on the phone with my mouth open and no idea what to say.

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 27/03/2018 09:19

Surely that's even more bizarre than the accusation and setup - why on earth is your DH encouraging this? I'd be encouraging them to take a long walk off a short pier, not going for cosy drinks or Chinese.

Original poster
HoneyBadger32 · 27/03/2018 09:22

When they were talking on the phone he opened up about some problems in their marriage and said they had been going to a counsellor for the last 3 months so my OH feels like he should try and be supportive, it doesn't bother me if they go for a pint, I don't have any ill will towards him, the situation is more bizarre than anything to me and seems indicative of a problem rather than a burning desire to wind the clock back 15 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyBadger32 · 27/03/2018 09:23

I really don't want to go for dinner with the wife though! I know I should be making an effort to help her if she has marital problems or whatever but I do find the situation a wee bit freaky

OP posts:
Dobby1sAFreeElf · 27/03/2018 09:27

If I were you I'd be asking for an apology first before making plans to see her. How they behaved was appalling, marriage problems or not. If there's no acknowledgement of their behaviour being wrong I wouldn't trust them not to drag you into it again.

Shedmicehugh1 · 27/03/2018 09:28

Sorry your OH should be supporting you, sod their problems, how dare they treat you like that.

martellandginger · 27/03/2018 09:29

Stay away. They sound odd. You don't have to help anybody who treat you like that.

inamechangedforthispost · 27/03/2018 09:35

I would text her and say that you are hurt that she felt the need to 'test' you and that whilst her husband was so shit at coming onto you you didn't even realise, the fact it was done is very disconcerting. That it is also offensive that she questions your loyalty and you thought she had more faith in your friendship than that.

Thanks for the invite, but no!

UpSideDownBrain · 27/03/2018 09:35

I'd politely say no thanks to the drink tonight, and then see what her DH says to your DH before making any long term decisions.

MumW · 27/03/2018 09:40

She text this morning to see if I wanted to go get a Chinese with her tonight when the boys are out Confused
Er, NO, you might try and make a half-hearted pass at me to see if I'd tell your husband!

It would be hilarious if it wasn't so odd. I don't know which is weirdest, the attempt to seduce you to see if you'd tell her or the way they seem to think that you can carry on as if nothing has happened.

ArchchancellorsHat · 27/03/2018 09:41

Why on earth should you make an effort to help them? They're trying to drag you into manipulative, weird games in their marriage. It will blow up in your faces. Unless you also enjoy the drama? If not, just say they crossed a line and leave you out of it in future.

Unktious · 27/03/2018 09:42

I'd go down INameChangedForThisPost text. I think I would ask for an apology to. It might make things slightly less weird and also.... you deserve an apology!!

kimanda · 27/03/2018 09:42

I think I´d just go for "Please don't make me a pawn in your games" and refuse to engage further in the conversation.

THIS ^

Or as a pp said, tell her you fucked him, and he has been stalking you since, to fuck up her mind haha. Grin

Nah, maybe stick with the first one actually. She sounds unhinged, and will probably come at you with a cricket bat! (And he is obviously as batshit as her.)

What a very, very odd way to behave. I think I would expect this of 15 years olds. Not a 'grown' married couple. They both seriously have issues!

kimanda · 27/03/2018 09:46

He was clearly expecting to start an affair, didn’t get the reaction he wanted so went home and spun a yarn to his wife to “get in there first” in case you mentioned what had happened to her.

Ditch the two of them. Weirdos.

This too. With bells on. ^

Seen it happen before.

How awkward that you work at the same place though. Do you have to see him much at all?

kimanda · 27/03/2018 09:53

Oh God, i have read the full thread now. It's most awkward that your DH isn't on board with ditching these freaks as you are. FFS, the husband CLEARLY tried it on with you.

If this had been my DH he would have gone to their house, got the power tools back, knocked her husband out cold, told the wife she needed to leave him as he was clearly looking for an affair, and then left the 2 of them to it, and never seen them again.

Why the fuck is he still wanting to see them?! Hmm

Curtainshopping · 27/03/2018 09:54

Problems in their marriage doesn't explain it though - according to them it was a test of your and her friendship, to see if you would tell her. So nothing to do with their marriage.

They can't even keep their own story straight!

Shedmicehugh1 · 27/03/2018 09:56

Telling your OH they have ‘problems’ is a really lame excuse! No shit Sherlock! They dragged you into their problems!

MorningsEleven · 27/03/2018 10:01

Don't get dragged in and tread very carefully. I used to be friends with someone who decided her husband was having an affair (he wasn't, she just wanted drama and needed a decent therapist) and tried to drag me in to help her steal his phone so my DH could put spyware on it. We told her it wasn't happening and she went full on Rumplestiltskin then phoned every one of our mutual acquaintances and trashed me. I'm still struggling to recover my social life.

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/03/2018 10:04

Just text her back, “Do you want to see me so you can apologise in person for your appalling behaviour, or is this another “test” I’m expected to pass? Can’t say I’m interested.”

Juells · 27/03/2018 10:12

This will have been just the first of many weird and awful experiences if you stay in touch with these loonies. Be prepared for pressure from your husband to 'understand', and support their troubles.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 27/03/2018 10:17

I'd be tempted to go and meet her for dinner just to see what she has to say for herself.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/03/2018 10:18

Don't worry the attention will be off you now. She'll accuse your OH of having a bromance with her DH instead.

Back away slowly, if their relationship is struggling you really don't want to get dragged in to their fight.

NewYear2018 · 27/03/2018 10:24

What Dextro said:

You're being set up for swingers. Be careful.

Onelastpage · 27/03/2018 10:29

Honestly, I would never be alone with either of these people again. If your DH wants to maintain the relationship then he can do that - but don’t give them a chance to mess with either of your heads. I’d predict the friendship will fizzle out over time.

They’ve already weirdly misrepresented one exchange - don’t give them a chance to do it again.

Original poster
HoneyBadger32 · 27/03/2018 10:34

I think you're all right, we should just close the door on this and move on...will see if OH is madly keen on meeting him for a drink or not.

If he had actually tried it on with me my OH would definitely have been reacting differently, but as everyone is saying he was so shit at coming onto me I didn't realise he even was!

OP posts:
BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 27/03/2018 10:34

What!? I'm sorry why is you husband going for a drink with a man who tried to set his wife up!? Your DH needs to get his priorities straight.

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