Well we enjoy a wedding AIBU don’t we???

[BeanCalledPickle]

So friend is getting married. Very good friend I’ve know since uni. She has stuck with me through illness and celebrated all my life events and she’s now getting married herself. I have two DDs who will be 3 and 5.

So she wants them as her flower girls in an otherwise entirely child unfriendly wedding. She has even rearranged the date so we can make it. She has however said that they must behave impeccably and be removed if they kick off. She has told me they will walk down the aisle with her and I must sit and watch as she doesn’t want me cajoling them in the photos?! I suggested there may be chunks of the day when a tablet and headphones might save the day. She has said absolutely no way as that’s not the ‘vibe’ she wants.

She has booked us a room with one king bed and is suprised we have said we want to go Home as it’s only 1.5 hours away. And that we don’t fancy the family bed set up? She got annoyed when I said that wouldn’t work.

And just to wrap things up she won’t cater for a vegan diet as she can’t ‘deal with picky eaters and we will just have to make do’. We eat about 90pc plant based - i won’t lose it if the inevitable risotto has cheese in it but I can’t deal with the idea of a slab of goats cheese etc. I can’t just leave it as we are sitting with them for dinner.

AIBU to just want to ditch this wedding?! Though she has stuck with me through so much. But I can’t cope with the pressure of producing two perfectly behaved flower girls!

Chrys2017 do people not read anything? She has stated that she is happy for risotto with a BIT of cheese, like Parmesan. It’s the great big slab of cheese that is also part of the meal - I’m assuming starter? - that is the only option for —picky— —eaters— vegetarians.
She will make herself sick if she eats that; for me it would be like eating a great big steak after 10yrs of not having it. I too am 90% plantbased and I too am not bothered about the odd bit of dairy. But a massive cheese board may as well be a bucket of chicken wings because I wouldn’t/couldn’t eat either!

This whole thread is making me so glad I had my wedding the way I did - we had our VERY closest friends and family (again, only the closest ones) and ALL their kids were invited. We had the ceremony with just the family and met the rest of the party at the venue. The venue was the back room at our local Zizzi’s lol! I decorated the room myself with bunting, flowers and lace. And photos of my husband and myself and our 3 kids (1 mine, 2 his) to show our love story. It was so beautiful that the restaurant asked to keep it all, minus the photos obviously. We hired 4 nannies from my son’s nursery and set up a massive kid’s area with tonnes of activities for them. We just let everyone choose a starter, main and dessert from the menu in the weeks leading up to the wedding. Then we all went to our local pub at about 7pm, which is beautiful and has a playground in the garden and they turned their restaurant into a party room for us. That was where we met the rest of our friends and family (and cake!) and had the best night ever. We wanted our kids there, who were 2, 4 and 6 and therefore wanted everyone else’s too. And we wanted them to have fun too!
Our wedding, including my dress and the boys’ and my husband’s suits and everything (coz I am great at finding a bargain and made all the decorations myself, didn’t have to pay any venue except for all the food and drinks at Zizzi’s and people bought their own drinks at the pub, except most were drinking champagne which we provided as I was given a magnum of it and it lasted forever!) cost no more than £3500.
Everyone that came to any one part or all of the wedding say it was the best wedding they have ever been to.
Your friend clearly has no kids and just wants yours as accessories. She is not a good friend to you. Sounds like she should almost wants to hire your kids!

I like the sound of your wedding. And your understanding of how we eat! Unless it was in Salisbury zizzis in which case maybe not :)

It's not hard to highlight the OPs posts and actually read them before posting something stupid.

BeanCalledPickle well I, like you, am not a massive fan of weddings, especially the type your friend is having. I wanted the opposite of that :)

I’m wondering if your children —behave like children— misbehave whether she’ll ask you to leave once the photos are done! Or if and when you take the iPads out! But she might end up being ok on the day - you never know!

It’s lovely that she was there for you when you needed it but it sounds like she’s a control freak and you’re, may I dare say, a bit of a pushover? Particularly because she has a go at your choice of diet and you don’t want to offend her by not eating a slab of cheese? Just remember who’s being the shithead here. You’re being too kind and this friendship doesn’t sound unconditional.

There’s some good advice here but if she was writing a post here it would be a big fat YABU to her!!

maggie an interesting point. I’m not normally a pushover at all but actually if I step back there isn’t actually much to our friendship these days bar the history. I hadn’t really thought about it in those terms actually.

I think though that I can forgive her the bridezilla moments if only on the basis that we all have them. We have arranged dinner and I will set out my concerns kindly. And let’s see where we get to.

Sorry but Op is a picky eater and not strictly vegan. Bride is long time friend so knows this.Bride has put herself out for op.

Since when can children not cope with without headphones and tech? They have for many, many years and obviously most do in many situations.

The bride has proved herself when you have been needy but you co e on here to validate your own selfish needs. Don't go Op.

I’d go to the ceremony. take the kids. They are probs my excited about being flower girls. If it goes tits up then it’s ‘Taxi!’ If it goes well then afterwards take some lovely vegan food (that you have brought with you) and disappear to the hotel room with a bottle of champers, ribena and games. Have fun with the kids. Have a nice nite to eat and a drink (not getting smashed). Book a babysitter for later to take them out for a play then babysit in the hotel room while you have a knees up at the reception.

SomewhereontheM6 are you the bride/friend by any chance????

she clearly wants your kids for show if its generally a kid free wedding

she cant have it both ways though-some kids behave some dont its a long time to ask to sit still and not do anything

somewhereonthem6 do you tell all vegetarians they are picky eaters? Why is it not a valid choice?

I think I’ve said elsewhere babysitter isn’t an option. We have every desire to go but no desire to stay over or even stay late. She left our wedding at 8pm. Not a big deal.

please don't equate yourself to people with allergies.

NAFTAR I have checked back through my posts and I’m not aware of comparing myself to someone with an allergy.

I think I have explained how I chose to eat to the point of exhaustion now, and have also been given some very helpful suggestions of how to deal with it. So rather than telling me that I am not a vegan - which I readily agree with - why not leave it there? I get that eating a 90pc plant based diet may be a difficult concept to understand but it’s really quite simple. I do not actively chose to eat animals or their secretions but when faced with a trace of that secretion in an otherwise plant based option I chose not to make a fuss and demand a fresh dish or the removal of that trace in some way.

The easiest thing is to ask for a vegan meal. I suspect those with various allergies would do the same

Right there.

Would the hotel even want/allow a family of 4 in one bed?!

They’d probably say no on insurance grounds?!

Yes I suspect someone with an allergy would make a request. To illustrate that she can’t say she will not accommodate any requests. Not to equate myself to someone with an allergy. I can see the potential for that interpretation though so apologise if I have offended you.

Aside from questioning my wording I would happily welcome any constructive suggestions as for the most part I have really appreciated the contributions made to this thread.

I always ask for a vegan meal as I am lactose intolerant. Not an allergy, but it's a nasty intolerance to have.

Appuskido. No idea! Doesn’t suit us to stay regardless.

expat having avoided dairy for so long I think I’ve made myself lactose intolerant if that’s possible. Horrible bloating and gas if I eat dairy these days .

somewhere how has the bride put herself out for the OP? I think the opposite, she’s refused the idea that the girls don’t come, she’s called OP’s diet picky even those it is quite normal to ask for dietary requirements (and it’s also normal for people to choose a more restricted choice than they’d normally eat, eg someone that eats limited meat options might just say vegetarian to make it less fussy! so not hard for her to choose vegan for OP), she’s also said no to the things OP wanted to bring to entertain the girls, she’s booked a room with one bed for 4 of them to sleep in and didnt like the idea that OP is happy to go home rather than stay awake all night, and to top it off the girls must behave impeccably or they’ll be removed!! Who is in charge if the removal and will you get to see them again?

This sounds like the most stressful attendance at a wedding I’ve ever known.

Your kids might surprise you, my DD was 2 when me and DH got married and she really was impeccably behaved throughout the day, even in church and during the speeches, I thought she was going to be a Nightmare. I would have a word about the menu though because being vegan isn't a "picky" diet, it is classed as a dietary requirement, my maid of honour was vegetarian, I let her pick what she wanted for the vegetarian option on the menu.

My boys were 2 &4 at my sister's wedding, they were good for the service but not during the reception, once they'd eaten they wanted to run around. Your DCs may surprise you

I'd go with:

Catering - don't turn up hungry. Eat what you can of the meal. It's just not worth faffing about. I spent 30 odd years vegetarian, & quite often the veggie option was awful anyway. I eat meat now but still would always assume for weddings that the food has a good chance of being dreadful. Stick a couple of falafel wraps in the car!

Tablets etc for dds - have them discreetly in your bag, along with colouring in etc. Whisk kids off to hotel room for a 'nap' post ceremony.

Staying - you don't want to, so don't. I'd point out that 2 adults + 2 wriggly little kids in a double bed is no fun. IF her wedding was hours away, you'd be looking to upgrade to a family room or faffing about with ready beds or booking a 2nd room (1 parent & 1 kid in each), but it isn't, so stuff that for a laugh.

If she has some idea that kids will be tucked up in hotel room whilst you boogie the night away at evening reception, explain that that wouldn't happen - you'd just be stuck in the room with them.

The meal/iPad issues I wouldn't even get dragged into an argument about. Just nod, smile, do your own thing.

My so called best friend asked my eldest to be a flower girl. The youngest who was a baby at the time was not invited as there were no children outside the bridal party. Despite me explaining the ridiculous nature of this she would not bend. She also lost it when I said I couldnt stay the night as had to get home to my baby!
It would actually have been easier for me to have neither child at the wedding but I suspect she wanted the eldest for the cute factor of having a flower girl.
I went along with it but it made me absolutely seethe and we barely speak now. Bridezilla is a reality.