Well we enjoy a wedding AIBU don’t we???

[BeanCalledPickle]

So friend is getting married. Very good friend I’ve know since uni. She has stuck with me through illness and celebrated all my life events and she’s now getting married herself. I have two DDs who will be 3 and 5.

So she wants them as her flower girls in an otherwise entirely child unfriendly wedding. She has even rearranged the date so we can make it. She has however said that they must behave impeccably and be removed if they kick off. She has told me they will walk down the aisle with her and I must sit and watch as she doesn’t want me cajoling them in the photos?! I suggested there may be chunks of the day when a tablet and headphones might save the day. She has said absolutely no way as that’s not the ‘vibe’ she wants.

She has booked us a room with one king bed and is suprised we have said we want to go Home as it’s only 1.5 hours away. And that we don’t fancy the family bed set up? She got annoyed when I said that wouldn’t work.

And just to wrap things up she won’t cater for a vegan diet as she can’t ‘deal with picky eaters and we will just have to make do’. We eat about 90pc plant based - i won’t lose it if the inevitable risotto has cheese in it but I can’t deal with the idea of a slab of goats cheese etc. I can’t just leave it as we are sitting with them for dinner.

AIBU to just want to ditch this wedding?! Though she has stuck with me through so much. But I can’t cope with the pressure of producing two perfectly behaved flower girls!

I'd pull out. She's bonkers.

These child free people always make me laugh. They always do a full circle when they have children and conveniently forget treating your kids like ornaments or farmyard animals.

That's very insulting. I'm one of 'these child free people' but I understand that children are neither ornaments nor animals. I'd wager that quite a lot of us 'people' do.

It's not that unusual to remove DCs if they're kicking off, is it? So I don't see that as an UR request.
As for the hotel, call them and see if they can swap you into a suitable room. I'm surprised they'd provide a family room with only one bed so imagine there has been a misunderstanding somewhere.

With the food, speak to the hotel yourself or bring your own food and nip up to your room to eat. My DH has food allergies. We've always managed events without creating a fuss. Either by asking the venue directly to provide something or by bringing our own food that he can eat in the room. However, we have friends who choose to have a restricted diet and they always create a massive issue. Don't be like them. It's one day.
I don't really think your friend is being that UR except with the no headphones, etc, so I'd just ignore that and have games, etc, in the bedroom.

hahaaa I want to come and watch where and when is this Wedding

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to remove them if they kick,off (isn’t there another thread about this?). Also, the reference to cajoling could be because she doesn’t want you walking down the aisle ushering them in the right direction. Also, she wants a screen-free wedding.

If she is paying for the room, then that could be seen as generous and thoughtful. Again,,there has been too many threads in mms where the. Rides dictate the day, and expect everyone else,to pay for it.

The caterers should be able,to,provide,you with something, and as the mother of,the flower girls, she should accommodate you.

Ring the hotel and get them to put camp beds in for the kids.
Take some vegan friendly snacks - it's only one meal. If you can cope with bits of cheese in the risotto you are clearly not a massively strict vegan so y'know, put up with it.
She's being deluded about expecting impeccable behaviour from little kids, but I don't blame her at all for not wanting them sitting in the corner playing on/watching tablets.
If you have the hotel room you can whizz them up to it presumably for a chill and a telly break?

If you love her and you want to be with her on her wedding day it will be fine, relax and go with it. If you don't , don't go but expect hurt feelings.

I'm also childfree btw
Shes just an inconsiderate person, nowt to do with having children or not.

Phone the hotel direct, ask for a family room or adding z beds and pay any difference yourself and explain that you need vegan meals and pay separately. I've done that for a wedding before, when the Groom refused to entertain "fussy" guests..... I'm vegetarian. I rang and spoke to the hotel manager who was lovely, and I paid separately for my food. Saved any drama and meant I didn't starve on a long long day. They had 7 other guests that didn't eat..... it didn't go down well. Some left, and others ended up in the bar.

She's your friend - yes she's being a PITA but that's expected these days tbh. You'll ruin your friendship forever if you don't go.

I don’t get the king bed issue - maybe hotel has a sofa bed for kids or will be bringing in single beds for them - is this the issue?

I don't blame her at all for not wanting them sitting in the corner playing on/watching tablets

Why?

Umm, does she realise children aren't performing monkeys. Take the tablets.

The only thing I think I'd have to speak to her plainly about would be her expectations of my children's behaviour. You know your children best but it if were my two (now grown boys) I would have to let her know that although they are generally well-behaved, her expectations are unrealistic so she may want to give a second thought to them being a part of the ceremony. And that there is no way I can guarantee that they won't fidget, make a beeline for me, cry, or otherwise 'act up'.

When he was three, DS1 was a ring bearer (I'm in the US) at my BFF's wedding. He had heard 'ring bear' was most upset at his lack of a costume and 'growled' quietly with each step up the aisle. Luckily it was a very informal outdoor country wedding and everyone, including BFF, thought it was funny.

Meant to add, the food and the room I'd just deal with privately, if possible.

Thanks all. Some excellent points. Re treating them as accessories; this doesn’t ring a cord. It does feel like that. She doesn’t have any Children in her life save for an eighteen year old step daughter. She doesn’t like them generally but has always made an effort with mine. And they have generally behaved well around her. Possibly because she brings them gifts and sweets.

On the vegan thing; I do despair of somewhere that can’t do anything other than a slab of goats cheese and a bland risotto. It’s not a ground breaking diet these days. I’m not preachy. I will eat risotto but not a slab of cheese. Calling the venue sounds quite sensible. I just don’t want to offend her when it turns up! She’s very judgemental about the vegan thing. When we first met I ate meat. I’ve been veggie ten years and vegan a year though as I say I’m not 100pc and won’t lose it over their being Parmesan in my risotto. She has openly told me she thinks it’s madness and thinks I eat vegetables all the time.

On the hotel room thing there are no family rooms. I am very happy to drive. We won’t know anyone except them so the idea of one sitting in the dark with the kids whilst the other socialises is unlikely. I wouldn’t drink much with the girls there anyway.

I haven’t heard the hen do plans yet:)

Your friend is being ridiculous.

I would SO back out of this wedding.

Looks like she doesn't want to budge an inch to meet you halfway on ANYthing! Would she call you a 'fussy eater' if your eating habits because of religious beliefs?

There is a multitude of things that are VEGAN, some things people don't even realise, and it's not that hard to cater for one.

And what is wrong with having a tablet and headphones to entertain your little kiddies? Weddings are as boring as fuck when you're an ADULT, let alone 3 to 5 years old!

Sorry, friend since uni or not, I would be saying it's too much stress for you, and you are pulling out.

Has she ever met a child? 😂 😂😆

These child free people always make me laugh. They always do a full circle when they have children and conveniently forget treating your kids like ornaments or farmyard animals.

You really are a totally patronising and extremely rude individual you?

It's odd because she sounds like a good friend yet you're already anticipating you won't stay to enjoy the wedding and that you can't have fun if your DH and DCs go up to bed earlier. I always find a wedding with DCs much better if there's a bedroom to escape to for the boring/waiting around parts.

I'd be rethinking the friendship.

OP I'm sorry but the good points of this lady are....?

I will never understand people who are heavily critical of how people eat, or live, just because it's different to their choices. it seems closed minded and mean.

vegan a year though as I say I’m not 100pc and won’t lose it over their being Parmesan in my risotto. She has openly told me she thinks it’s madness

I'm with her on the madness if you are vegan but actually not. That just annoys people and makes it hard for actual vegans.

If she's your friend, why not just tell her your problems with her plans?

It sounds as if she is more interested in the cute flower girls and how they will look, than the long term friendship. I would say the girls would be happier going home to their own beds at their age and that it would be a long day for them - an excuse for you to zip off home after you've done the supporting role bit. She'll learn when she's got her own kids, then she'll look back and realise! (hopefully...)

Her good points are the fact that when I became ill and inconvenient for a few years she stuck with me rather than ditch me.

As to enjoying the wedding I doubt I would regardless. I don’t enjoy weddings much anyway and am always keen to leave early. It’s nothing personal, it’s just not my thing. There would be a reasonable chance of enjoying it if I knew the people in their lives but I don’t. I see her every couple of months for dinner - somewhere with vegan options! And that’s it these days.

When he was three, DS1 was a ring bearer (I'm in the US) at my BFF's wedding. He had heard 'ring bear' was most upset at his lack of a costume and 'growled' quietly with each step up the aisle. Luckily it was a very informal outdoor country wedding and everyone, including BFF, thought it was funny.

Lovely story!!

OP tell your DDs they are going to be 'flour girls' then provide them with props and step away as instructed by the bride...

She's just a bit deluded, that's all.

It'll be ok to call the hotel directly and they will arrange the meal quite discreetly. At my wedding my BIL didn't think to mention his partner doesn't eat red meat so she had a word with the wait staff and they sorted her out with something different quite easily. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't happened to look in that direction at the time!

Say 'yes dear' about the kids and take whatever you need to keep them occupied. In reality she probably won't notice them other than at the ceremony when she'll have a thousand other things on her mind.

NFATR I agree. I don’t use the label vegan generally, I say I eat a predominately plant based diet. I have massive respect for actual vegans and having fully transitioned yet. But I find that asking for a vegan option is more helpful than trying to explain where I’m at, which is broadly that I avoid all bar traces of dairy.