Well we enjoy a wedding AIBU don’t we???

[BeanCalledPickle]

So friend is getting married. Very good friend I’ve know since uni. She has stuck with me through illness and celebrated all my life events and she’s now getting married herself. I have two DDs who will be 3 and 5.

So she wants them as her flower girls in an otherwise entirely child unfriendly wedding. She has even rearranged the date so we can make it. She has however said that they must behave impeccably and be removed if they kick off. She has told me they will walk down the aisle with her and I must sit and watch as she doesn’t want me cajoling them in the photos?! I suggested there may be chunks of the day when a tablet and headphones might save the day. She has said absolutely no way as that’s not the ‘vibe’ she wants.

She has booked us a room with one king bed and is suprised we have said we want to go Home as it’s only 1.5 hours away. And that we don’t fancy the family bed set up? She got annoyed when I said that wouldn’t work.

And just to wrap things up she won’t cater for a vegan diet as she can’t ‘deal with picky eaters and we will just have to make do’. We eat about 90pc plant based - i won’t lose it if the inevitable risotto has cheese in it but I can’t deal with the idea of a slab of goats cheese etc. I can’t just leave it as we are sitting with them for dinner.

AIBU to just want to ditch this wedding?! Though she has stuck with me through so much. But I can’t cope with the pressure of producing two perfectly behaved flower girls!

Does she think that not one other guest will be vegetarian or vegan? It's not exactly uncommon!

How difficult is it to cater for both vegans and veggies with the same dish ffs? Not everything has to be slathered I cheese!

Some friend.

Oh dear god the veggie option at my wedding was the ‘inevitable’ risotto. There was probably people complaining about me on line!

Probably. It really is an incredibly lazy vegetarian choice.

Though to be fair dailymail if I wasn’t a vegetarian I wouldn’t have given offering a risotto a second thought. We had a goats cheese tart. Could have done a lot better!

one thing, she is fine to serve you non vegan food. you're not vegan are you? Being 90% vegan means you're a vegetarian right?
It's like some women saying she wants to be a man, i'm 90% man just not the genetalia. that would cause an uproar.And wouldn't be pandered too.
So why should your so called vegan diet.

Apart from that YANBU.

She's using you for your girls.she wants them looking lovely in the photo..but dosnt really care who's in the photo as long as it looks good

If she won’t cater to your vegan requirements she really is not a good friend.

She is expecting a 3 yo to behave impeccably, I know adults that struggle with that, she is delusional!

She thinks a hotel room with one bed is adequate? Or did I misunderstand?

In truth she sound very bridezilla.

The menu alone would be enough for me to say “screw this”

OP is there a rehearsal the previous day?

If you really want to be there, the last thing you want is driving 1.5 hours up before a half hour service (and photos) which would be a nightmare for most 3 or 5 year olds.

I'd stay the night before and leave after the ceremony or as PPs have said, contact the hotel about food and pay for it and make sure you have enough beds.

As for Ipads etc - where are they going to watch them and who will look after them if it's in the family car/hotel room?

Good luck.

I went to a wedding once where the meat dish was the most glorious looking roast, deep trays of roast trimmings, the full works. The veggie option (which I was having) was raw vegetables set in aspic. A single slice of it. I was starving, nicking roast potatoes off the meat eaters, it was the worst meal of my life. I'd have killed for a risotto.

I know I've missed the point of the thread, but seriously, raw veg in aspic... revolting.

lostjanni I think I’ve explained this a few times. It is easiest to say I am vegan and hope this can be catered for than explaining what a 90pc plant based diet entails. As I have said I don’t identify as a vegan and don’t need to be catered for as one. But a slab of goats cheese would make me ill and I fear leaving it when I sit opposite her during the meal would cause more offence than asking for a vegan meal.

I assumed we would drive up in the morning and have a run around in the nearest town with a park and then go to the wedding and change there. That all works logistically

I think I'd go alone, or with your DH if you can get a babysitter.

Or do what milliemolliemou says, if you can't bear to disappoint her.

I wouldn't be going - your children are people not accessories for her picture perfect wedding.

I’m going to go against the grain about calling the hotel about the meal. I’m not sure how practical this is as I assume the wedding will be organised between a bride and a contact at the hotel. I’ve never heard of a guest arranging their wedding meal with the venue direct. I actually think going behind the bride’s back and overruling her order this way is pretty rude but I get that in this case it’s been precipitated by the bride not catering for vegan guests which is shit hosting.

I think she’s being rude about the flower girls too. Invite kids or don’t, but if you do you have to make it moderately child friendly. Fine not to want kids watching CBeebies on tablets during your wedding but don’t invite kids to your wedding and then expect them not to be kids.

I wonder what she plans to do if they get stage fright and don’t walk down the aisle on cue. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Can you pull out, or at least say the DDs can't go as they are too badly behaved (aka normal children)

Call the hotel directly

• ask if they can provide a vegan dinner that you prepay. (Or tell them you are vegetarian but cannot eat cheese).
• ask if they have any connecting rooms or can put in extra beds - most hotels have done this for us. Do you can a travel cot that the youngest can sleep in?

Does the hotel have outside space? A little trip outside to run around is often useful. Get your DH to have a bag packed with sweets, snacks, crayons and travel games that can be brought out. Love the idea of the Sylvanian families

OP then if you do really want to go, this is all minor. Don't stay over, if you don't want to; take some little treats for the LOs to play with; ring the hotel and ask them to veganise your food and if they can't/won't forewarned is forearmed and you can get DH to distract her whilst you shove the goat's cheese in your handbag. But no bride on her wedding day is going to be watching you to make sure you clean your plate.

She's in bridezilla mode at the moment, just follow all the great advise thats been given already (phone hotel re vegan meal, headphones and iPad in bag etc) humour her and I promise you on the day she really won't notice a thing.

Or leave the kids at home, them having contracted some kind of contagious spot-based illness 5 days previously. Or tell her you can't guarantee they will behave immaculately - you're prepared to give it a go, but if it will spoil her day if they fuss, maybe she'd rather they didn't come?

Even if you don't intend to stay the night, use the room to change the children into their wedding outfits and somewhere for them to nap or play / watch tv if they get bored during the party, and somewhere to eat the vegan snacks you will have with you so you don't all starve

if its only 1.5 hours away can they do heir bit - you take them home to a sitter and drive back for the evening - thereby avoidding horrenous meal and stay over and have a ddrink

I think OP has explained herself very well but will have to go against some of what her friend has said. I think it’s fine to request to be fed a vegan or veggie meal without cheese. It’s been commonplace for ages to ask about dietary requirements for years now. You’re not demanding hand dived scallops FFS! Just some veg.
As for the room, that’s insane so definitely ask the hotel or drive home after
Take tablets anyway. I would. Yes, pepos pig at top volume would be annoying but with headphones as a back up distraction ? I would

She seemingly wants perfection but as that's unlikely she'll want to blame something. I wouldn't want my children to get the blame forever!

A friend who will stick by you through illness is worth their weight in gold. However, given her general behaviour I wonder if she stuck with you from self interest rather than altruism.

I would politely explain to her that children that age are unpredictable and if she wants impeccably behave bridesmaids it would be much more sensible to choose teens or adults. Tell her that you don’t want to be the cause of stress on her wedding day should anything go wrong.

Personally given her unrealistic expectations I would pull the children out.

Do you have a friend or family or babysitter or someone who the kids are happy with?

If so I would:

• dress children appropriately
• bribe them massively to get best possible behaviour for walking down the aisle and sitting and being cute in pictures
• get friend or family member (or paid babysitter even?) to pick them up from you as soon as possible after the photos and take them to the king sized room to spend the evening in hotel room with normal bedtime routein
• get friend/family member to stay in pre-booked room with the kids
• book a seperate room for you and dh
• eat whatever you can of what you get served and give the rest to dh discreetly