Well we enjoy a wedding AIBU don’t we???

[BeanCalledPickle]

So friend is getting married. Very good friend I’ve know since uni. She has stuck with me through illness and celebrated all my life events and she’s now getting married herself. I have two DDs who will be 3 and 5.

So she wants them as her flower girls in an otherwise entirely child unfriendly wedding. She has even rearranged the date so we can make it. She has however said that they must behave impeccably and be removed if they kick off. She has told me they will walk down the aisle with her and I must sit and watch as she doesn’t want me cajoling them in the photos?! I suggested there may be chunks of the day when a tablet and headphones might save the day. She has said absolutely no way as that’s not the ‘vibe’ she wants.

She has booked us a room with one king bed and is suprised we have said we want to go Home as it’s only 1.5 hours away. And that we don’t fancy the family bed set up? She got annoyed when I said that wouldn’t work.

And just to wrap things up she won’t cater for a vegan diet as she can’t ‘deal with picky eaters and we will just have to make do’. We eat about 90pc plant based - i won’t lose it if the inevitable risotto has cheese in it but I can’t deal with the idea of a slab of goats cheese etc. I can’t just leave it as we are sitting with them for dinner.

AIBU to just want to ditch this wedding?! Though she has stuck with me through so much. But I can’t cope with the pressure of producing two perfectly behaved flower girls!

Go for the ceremony and photos, then go home. It's awful expecting you to stay for a meal you can't eat. Are you a 'picky eater' or are you vegan? She doesn't actually sound like a particularly good friend, tbh, what with the food thing, the unrealistic expectations vis a vis your children, the silly bed idea etc.

Forcing all that on you is not acceptable just because she changed the date for you.

It's not a load of stress though is it? It's a couple of phone calls and a slightly more relaxed attitude.

Have you asked the hotel if they can put up the children appropriately?

I doubt they would let you all stay there in one bed for insurance reasons. Ask - and then you have a get out if they say no. Were it me I'd rack up and see how it went on the day. If you needed to go home, go home, if you were having fun, you could stay.

She's rude about your dietary preferences (and yep even vegetarian mass catering seems stuck in the 80s ) but again you can ring ahead and ask if they can easily veganise your main or if not just don't eat it. If you are plantbased rather than ethically vegan this would be a time to be flexible but you can always go up to your room and eat Oreos to keep you going.

The kids will either be happy and enjoy it or not. They'll probably manage. If not, you take them home.

Pfft, go see your mate get wed.

Hello :)

YANBU!

Haha at expecting your youngest to behave impeccably - I'm not shocked to hear she doesn't have any young children in her life! I couldn't even see my youngest walking down the aisle nicely, never mind behaving for the whole day.

And reading that about the vegan food - she doesn't sound like much of a friend :(

I don't blame her at all for not wanting them sitting in the corner playing on/watching tablets

Maybe she can give a list of suitable activities for them to engage in for the entire day? Perhaps attach a timetable to the invitation.

holysheet no because it doesn’t suit me to stay and they don’t have family rooms!

People are getting very snippy about the poster who said "these child-free people" when she was clearly only referring to the ones who are like this, as they're usually the worst once they do have kids. Obvs there are loads of people who don't have kids who are totally reasonable, just as there are lots of parents who are dreadful.
I would go, but take the tablets and don't stay if that doesn't suit you. I think pulling out will hurt her feelings. People get a bit blinkered about their weddings so I'd probably cut her some slack.
The food thing is tricky, though. I kind of get that she thinks it's ok for you to just eat veggie if you're not strictly vegan. But it's still really rude of her. I think the suggestion of bringing food is a good one. Not to eat at the table but in case the veggie option is indeed goat's cheese, so you don't go hungry.

If I was you, I would just suck it up, smile, nod and then plan ahead for your reality of the day. Discreetly prepare activities/tablet etc. Pack some snacks in case you are hungry. (Am also a vegan).

It's an incredibly big deal to her, she will be stressed to the hilt. On the day itself, she will just be grateful that you can step in should anything go 'not according to plan).

I would have to explain to her that what she envisages just won't happen, not because I don't want it to but because it's just so unrealistic. I'd hate for her to have expectations that would inevitably be dashed and could take away from her enjoyment of the day.

I'd probably really still want to make the effort to go, but I'd call the hotel and see if a vegan meal could be provided, I'd have to get her to understand what is and isn't reasonable to expect of young children, and I would make it really clear that we weren't going to stay overnight.

Is it really impossible for children to occupy themselves without tablets? We had kids of that age at our wedding recently and they ran around quite happily, played tag with each other and tore up the dance floor all evening. It was lovely, everyone told the parents how impeccably behaved they were- and they truly were, by five year old standards. Is she expecting impeccable, or impeccable-for-a-three-and-five-year-old?

I love the idea that you can force your three-year old and five-year old to behave impeccably. How is that going to work? What happens if one of them starts crying, or picking her nose, or having a tantrum as she walks down the aisle?

Wait till she has kids herself and then sit back and enjoy.

addy I would agree if there were other kids there or any other entertainment but this is a very formal affair. In a place with a lot of glass statues.

She is being very u reasonable. The vegan diet shouldn't be a big thing, hotels are used to this as long as hey know in advance. No doubt it will be a dull meal but that is the way sometimes, so I agree wit the PP I would contact the hotel myself and ask if it was an issue and if not whether there was an extra charge then tell your friend that they are happy to provide vegan and you paid the extra.

With regard to the little ones, she isn't real. You may get away with a well behaved five year old for most of the day, it it will be a huge amount of effort on your part, but a three year old?

Looks like she is of the children should be seen and not heard mentality and just wants them there for the photos. I bet your little girls are very cute and pretty.

I would possibly try to find child care for the event, or tell her a few home truths about toddlers or just bring the five year old, but that would mean she will be very bored on the day.

hackmum she doesn’t want to have kids. Doesn’t like them! And yes I had forgotten the frequency of nose picking these two do on a normal day!!!

She wants to completely control her wedding. She's forgotten that people are not her playthings to direct. Let alone kids. Honestly, tweak it to suit you - why on earth shouldn't you go home if you want, that's naff all to do with her? As for the children if you want them in this role just do your best, knowing they cannot possibly meet her crazy expectations.
I dunno, I give up. So many batshit people. As we used to say in the 60s - let it all hang out. Yes, yes, we did say that. Really.

When it comes to advice, though, for the sake of the friendship, I would let your girls be flower girls (what is she going to do, after all, if they start kicking off?), I would go home in the evening rather than stay at the hotel and, as other people have said, I'd have a word with the catering team about the food. And I'd take the tablets, as I bet she'd prefer the bad vibe of a tablet than the really awful vibe of two children either screaming or running around causing havoc.

I think a PP is right. Your friend is organising her wedding and is stressed about everything being perfect. You can reassure her that everything will be fine or you can add to her stress by complaining about the vegan options, saying the hotel doesn't suit, telling her your DCs are unlikely to behave and pointing out you'll be bringing tablets and leaving early.
It's one day in your life. It's a very important day for your friend. I don't understand why you're making everything such a big issue and I say this as someone whose 5-yr-old had a role at a wedding; whose DH has food allergies, etc. None of the problems are insurmountable . . .unless you make them so.

I wouldn't inflict a wedding like that on my children (or myself). She obviously doesn't want your kids there because she loves them and can't imagine not having people she loves at her wedding, she wants pretty little picture perfect flower girls.

Maybe offer to have some cardboard cut-outs made and sent for the photos?

We had a gluten-free vegan at our wedding and it was no bother for me, I just passed it to the caterers along with the other dietary requirements and she said her meal was lovely. Some sort of stuffed pepper and a salad I think.

Don't go, you just don't want to.

It's just more convenient for your conscience to blame it on the bride's arrangements than admit you cba.

I'd go, do the wedding, do the meal then leave. Blame the kids

DD was a bridesmaid at just turned 4yrs old so aged between your two. I bought some bride/groom/ bridesmaid sylvanians so she had something to fiddle with during the ceremony. She walked up aisle perfectly as she knew she had a treat (sylvanians) coming. At the meal my friend (the bride) provided a goodie bag of colouring/stickers and bridesmaid doll so she was v happy.

My friend didn't have children and I thought it so thoughtful but if you think your friend won't be giving a cuddly or fun things to do could you provide it discreetly?

3 & 5 yr olds are unpredictable- I had a 5 yr old bridesmaid who announced loudly in a speech during the meal "I need a poo"

She wants your children there as props; accessories for her photo shoot. It doesn’t work like that....and I think you should point that out to her, as kindly as possible. Apart from anything else, it’s simply not fair on your DDs. They’re being set up a for a fall which really won’t be their fault.

Why can’t the caterers provide a vegan meal? I’m someone who tends to roll my eyes a bit at what I think of as pickiness (my favourite being “I’m gluten free unless it’s good quality” 😂), but I can’t imagine a vegan request being considered outlandish in this day and age?

Oh dear.

I had my nieces and nephews to be as bridemaids and page boys at my weddings. Ages 3 to 7.

I changed the date to suit them.

I tolerated dietary requests of nut-free even though none of them were nut-allergic. I had a special children's menu.

Duties entirely consisted of looking cute in photos performed to a v high standard and bumbling down the aisle then sitting with their parents. Any distractions of extra food, crayons, colouring-in books were fully expected. As were loud shrieks before, during and after the ceremony + speeches.

If I managed all this despite being childless and not especially keen on children, your friend needs to rethink whether or not she really wants flower girls.

Haha. It always IS risotto and goats cheese at weddings! Butternut squash if you’ve gone all out. (Misses point)

holysheet I disagree. I really want to go as she has celebrated all my life events and it’s important to me to celebrate hers. People have provided some excellent ideas - I like the sylvanian idea! And this helps make it manageable for me. I’m not trying to be difficult and I have not voiced any of this to her. I got married too. It is stressful.

I’m very grateful to those for the excellent ideas and will take them forward. Not right now though, when the dust has settled a bit.