Well we enjoy a wedding AIBU don’t we???

[BeanCalledPickle]

So friend is getting married. Very good friend I’ve know since uni. She has stuck with me through illness and celebrated all my life events and she’s now getting married herself. I have two DDs who will be 3 and 5.

So she wants them as her flower girls in an otherwise entirely child unfriendly wedding. She has even rearranged the date so we can make it. She has however said that they must behave impeccably and be removed if they kick off. She has told me they will walk down the aisle with her and I must sit and watch as she doesn’t want me cajoling them in the photos?! I suggested there may be chunks of the day when a tablet and headphones might save the day. She has said absolutely no way as that’s not the ‘vibe’ she wants.

She has booked us a room with one king bed and is suprised we have said we want to go Home as it’s only 1.5 hours away. And that we don’t fancy the family bed set up? She got annoyed when I said that wouldn’t work.

And just to wrap things up she won’t cater for a vegan diet as she can’t ‘deal with picky eaters and we will just have to make do’. We eat about 90pc plant based - i won’t lose it if the inevitable risotto has cheese in it but I can’t deal with the idea of a slab of goats cheese etc. I can’t just leave it as we are sitting with them for dinner.

AIBU to just want to ditch this wedding?! Though she has stuck with me through so much. But I can’t cope with the pressure of producing two perfectly behaved flower girls!

She sounds delusional!!

Reminds me of my "D"sis when she expected my 4 month old to attend her wedding for the day in the summer like some kind of accessory, she banned me from bringing a pram because she didn't want it to ruin any photos (I assured her we'd be out the way of any) and it was still a no. Said that it was only a day and I didn't need anywhere for baby to nap apparently a high chair would do...

Surprisingly I didn't go in the end!

Of course 3and five year olds can be impeccably behaved for hours at a time. Mine were. But only during night time hours. day times on the other hand...

I find it amazing that a hotel has no family rooms whatsoever. I'd ring and ask what they do when families are staying. I would expect them to offer fold up beds to be added to a standard double room.

You could always take a vegan packed lunch and see how that goes down

OP"Her good points are the fact that when I became ill and inconvenient for a few years she stuck with me rather than ditch me"

I had this. One friend out of a few ditched me, or tried to avoid me. It's a kind of a low bar.

And you hate weddings? I can't see why you are going tbh, combined with the crazy demands.

I'd probably say "I want to be there for you in your day, but my children aren't your acessories and your attitude to my food choices needs to change". A good friendship will survive that combo.

I would just decline the invite from your kids.
Sorry it's not something they would be able to do so I think it's best they don't come

What is she expecting your daughters to do when the ceremony and meal are not happening? We had one 2 year old child at our wedding who we asked not to come to the ceremony (offered to pay for babysitter or fuel for a relative to come sit with them in the hotel room for 10-20 minutes) but we had loads of space outside for them to run riot in. He was actually perfectly behaved apart from when he spotted the wedding cake just before the meal and was not allowed to eat it, photographer got a picture of that which greatly amused his parents Parents were possibly less pleased when we included him in the wedding favours which was a chocolate sculpture thing almost as big as his head, but he seemed to enjoy it. He danced until midnight as well which was adorable.

She can either have a child free wedding or she will have to make allowances. She can't expect them to behave like mini adults, have they not had their moments when she's visited you that she's witnessed?

As for the meal, I don't know what you can do if she will get upset over it. I have been to a wedding where two guests were in training for a competition and took a packed lunch instead of eating the meal, bride and groom didn't mind and it didn't seem to upset anybody.

If there's nowhere for them to burn off some energy then I think she's being ridiculous to expect you to contain them around glass statues! I am attending a wedding soon with a toddler and small baby, I have offered several times to have DH keep them outside until after the ceremony but have been told to give it a go and just remove if they fuss. However there will be a room for them to run around, feed or generally fuss without stressing out the bride and groom. Is there no small room available that could be used for that purpose?

I did suggest they didn’t come but she was quite insistent. Unfortunately we have no babysitting options, and not really the funds to pay for it privately. I am definitely not up for driving home and then coming back as that adds significant complexity to proceedings.

Bottom line is we will go and we will make do one way or another so we are part of her day. Presents, snacks and headphones will facilitate this! I’m not worried about going hungry, it’s one day. I’m more worried about her thinking badly of me for leaving my food but there have been helpful suggestions around this as well.

One point no one has made - probably because I didn’t say it’s in six months time - is that six months will make some difference hopefully as they will be that bit older. And more reliable?!?

Are they only just 3&5 or almost 4&6? If the latter I wouldn’t expect they’d be badly behaved and would probably be able to handle the ceremony. Is there anywhere for a post ceremony run around to burn off energy?

At the end of the day she can expect whatever she likes but neither you not her can control what happens to the nth degree. Maybe the kids will runamock, maybe a drunken uncle will vomit on a glass sculpture, who knows. And anyway they’re your kids and you can step in when they’ve had enough regardless of whether that’s what happens in her fantasy wedding. I mean really, if they start kicking off is she really going to say ‘no toys, this is just how I want my photos’

Take a bag with colouring and sticker books, crayons (harder to mark clothes than pens!), and the tablet for emergancies! Cbeebies app on your phone might be a winner too...

If she wants them to change at the hotel, you might have to do that - particularly if she wants their hair put up.

You might be surprised about how magical your DDs will find it, and walk nicely down the aisle. Say you'd like to sit near the front so you can grab them quickly if they start making noise to walk them outside. Do lots of practice before hand - for your 5 year old, can she watch Harry/Megan's wedding and see little bridesmaids being good, and that's what she'll be doing when Aunty XXXX has her 'princess day' (in fact, prompting your 3 year old to tell the bride she looks like a princess is a good plan, every woman likes to hear a toddler thinks she looks like a princess on her wedding day, no matter how cool she is in real life - more likely to be forgiving of 'normal toddler behaviour' later on!)

Speak to the venue and ask if you can have a vegan option.

Tell her you won't stay over so not to waste her money on the room/give it to someone else who'll need it.

Watching the royal wedding - what a great idea! This has been such a helpful mumsnet thread!

My girls were flower girls aged 3 and 5 at my brother’s wedding. They were the only children, we took no electronics. They were both fine and very well behaved all day. 3 months later we did the same thing for DH’s sister’s wedding with them as the only children.
It’s entirely possible OP that your girls will be fine. Talk to them before, best behaviour, promise of sweets, small colouring pack.

Enjoy and obviously leave when you want to if you don’t want to stay overnight.

I'm a vegan myself. However, I think yabvvvvu in expecting a vegan meal to be provided for you if you are "90% plant based". If you can eat animal products 10% of the time, then you can eat them at someone's wedding.

I have a friend like that - claims she's gluten free, makes fusses about gluten when it suits her (e.g. the tiny bit of gluten in soya sauce), eats cakes made with wheat flour when she fancies it. Just annoying and snowflakey rather than any real health or ethical reason.

They may behave perfectly... on the other hand, they may not. If she wants the kids there then take what you know will keep the peace.

I may be wrong but it sounds like she has tunnel vision for the wedding: her vision, her day and she wants it perfect.

Can’t blame her, it’s s very special day but kids don’t necessarily share that vision.

You’re her friend so accommodate it as much as you can, but I’d put money on the fact that on the day she’d rather have a happy toddler watching cbeebies rather than one wailing through the speeches.

As for food, just have a discreet word with the venue and say nothing more to her. Same for the hotel room, idk if they’d allow a family to stay in a double room.

Your friend sounds ignorant and intolerable. And a genuine bridezilla! I would do my best to get out of the whole wedding entirely.

Some children at this age do behave absolutely fine at a wedding, maybe with just a break for a run around outside. So maybe her contact with children has been with children like this?

Just wondering if it might make sense for your partner to take your children home after the photos - it just sounds like a miserable day for them so what is the point of that ?

She is your friend so I am thinking that you will know loads of people there so no probs being on your own ?

Might just have to sit through the meal ......

I've done this, reluctantly. I spent the whole time trying to find out where my three year old dd was, and not being allowed to check on her! My lovely dh wasn't allowed to look after her either. We were all miserable.

tourquise actually no I know no one! We’ve known each other years but have no friends in common any more.
harshbuttrue I thought I’d explained myself a few times. I’m not making a fuss. I’m explained I am not a vegan. I don’t describe myself as one to anyone. I am happy to eat the odd trace of things. I am not happy to eat a slab of cheese any more than I would a slab of meat. As I have said I imagine I would make myself ill if I did having not eaten cheese in a couple of years. The easiest thing is to ask for a vegan meal. I suspect those with various allergies would do the same.

She’s changed the date so that your children can be in her photos. She doesn’t like kids . But you’ve decided. I would accept the offer of the room so the children have somewhere to be taken to relax.

Get her some life sized cardboard cut outs of the children smiling angelicly in the it bridesmaids dresses as a wedding present? Then she can have them stood perfectly and noise free all day and you can sneak off/hide behind them if necessary!

Pollymere why were you not allowed to check on your dd ? Where was she ? What’s happening in weddings nowadays

Sounds like she is mega stressed and other than a bit of moaning she really wants you (and your kids) to be there - it is her day after all?

We eat about 90pc plant based—so you aren't vegan, then. It won't kill you to eat a risotto with cheese in it for one evening.

For fuck's sake. The OP has explained a billion times about her diet.