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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were they rude or was I expecting too much?

151 replies

KnowYourOnions · 25/03/2018 16:08

Friends visited this weekend. They were here Friday to Sunday and obviously we provided all meals etc, including a take away (which they knew about in advance). They didn’t offer to contribute towards the take away, didn’t offer help with any of the cooking/tidying up after meals and they didn’t bring anything at all as a thank you.

Obviously I won’t say anything but am I being totally unreasonable to feel a bit miffed? I would always take something if I were staying with someone and pitch in with stuff that needed doing.

OP posts:
Parrothead · 25/03/2018 16:10

YANBU but some people are just like that. It’s definitely annoying but you have to look at it that if you had a nice weekend then that’s a win, and if not then don’t invite them again.

Belindabauer · 25/03/2018 16:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Everyone should have contributed towards the take away.
Your friends ought to have brought something with them too or at least asked if you needed anything.

MiniAlphaBravo · 25/03/2018 16:12

I think that’s rude. I would have definitely at least contributed to the take away if not paid for the whole thing and would always chip in with tidying, washing up etc. Plus would have brought something with me. Are they usually tight?

Iloveacurry · 25/03/2018 16:14

Well I wouldn’t act like that if I was visiting someone! Would definitely bring wine, flowers etc and offer money towards the takeaway, help tidy up/wash up after meal. So no YANBU.

Sarsparella · 25/03/2018 16:14

Yanbu, if I was them I’d definitely have either paid for the take away or at least offfered to contribute towards it - plus I’d have bought loads of wine!!

DSHathawaysLover · 25/03/2018 16:14

YANBU, unfortunately some people are like that, though. If it were me, I'd pay for the takeaway as a minimum.
Did they even thank you verbally?

PalePinkSwan · 25/03/2018 16:15

They were rude.

Freyanna · 25/03/2018 16:16

They are rude. I would take wine, chocolates, flowers, also something for any children.

I would have offered to pay for the takeaway.

I would always offer to help.

Once I arrived home I would contact them to thank them.

ISaidIWasTired · 25/03/2018 16:18

YANBU. Personally I would have brought wine and I would have insisted buying the takeaway!

Original poster
KnowYourOnions · 25/03/2018 16:19

Thanks everyone, I wasn’t sure if I was being grabby.

They’re not usually tight. They didn’t say thanks for paying for the take away. If they’d have offered we probably would have said no. No thanks for any of the food. It’s not about the money, I just feel really unappreciated.

As they were going, there was a brief “thanks for having us”. Things have been a bit odd between us at various points so maybe it’s just another one of those times.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 25/03/2018 16:19

It's rude. As an absolute minimum they should have brought flowers and wine and helped you cook and clear away.

user1472333009 · 25/03/2018 16:24

Even when I'm just going to someone's house for a meal I take flowers or wine. I wouldn't have them again unless a big bouquet of flowers & a thankyou card arrives.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 25/03/2018 16:24

That's terrible behaviour. Though Mumsnet can be fickle at times, I once posted a similar issue and was told to 'lighten up' and was asked if I was 70 because 'I sounded like it'. But any who rant over. Normal people would have at least offered to buy the takeaway.Don't have them again.

Ullupullu · 25/03/2018 16:25

Was there any misunderstanding of week of wording? Eg "We will provide the take away", interpreted as you paying? I agree it sounds rude overall but some people hate to talk about money!

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2018 16:27

Yes, I also consider this very rude. I always take chocolates, flowers, booze etc. We would have paid for the takeaway completely and helped with the cooking and tidying.

We had friends who did similar last year. Came to stay. Full lunch, dinner, nibbles, stayed up drinking our booze till late, a lot of it, full cooked breakfast, then lunch again, before leaving, and brought nothing with them to say thanks. They are lovely people, and could afford to do so easily, so I'm really surprised that they did it. I simply couldn't.

It's really not about the flowers or chocolates, it's the gesture and I found it rankled me.

Petalflowers · 25/03/2018 16:28

I would definitely bring some wine, chocolates etc for,the host.

However, the takeawaymsituation i’m Not so,sure on. Ie. I wouldn’t expect someone to contribute to food,if I was cooking an evening meal, so,if the takeaway was in lieu of this then as the host, I,would pay. However, if prior to,the weekend it was agreed that the evening meal would be a takeaway, then I would expect payment.

Regarding helping clearing up, I would offer at other people’s houses, but wouldn’t necessarily expect guests to help.

Pengggwn · 25/03/2018 16:31

I take something when I stay with people - flowers or wine, not usually both. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for a meal when staying with us, though. If I'm hosting, I'm paying, generally.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2018 16:32

Even at someone's house when dinner is a take away, which we do many times, I'd never ever expect or even accept my host to pay for me, unless it was reciprocal and we took turns. We also help clear up.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 25/03/2018 16:32

If your host is providing a weekend of meals and breakfasts.i think its reasonable for guests to pay for takeaway for everyone.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/03/2018 16:32

I think it's rude to not offer but I would expect as host to cover the costs.

Serin · 25/03/2018 16:33

YANBU.
Hopefully a gift card and Thank you letter will arrive in the post?
If not, I wouldn't invite them again.

extinctspecies · 25/03/2018 16:35

I'd say it's bad manners rather than rude.

Storminateapot · 25/03/2018 16:35

Yes that's a bit rude. We've just had friends here for the weekend, they brought alcohol and paid for their own meal when we went out last night. We provided the rest but that's fair enough when you invite people to stay.

I'd have at least expected them to pay for their own takeaway and bring a bottle. There's probably only my Mum who I wouldn't expect to bring anything or contribute.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2018 16:35

"They were here Friday to Sunday and obviously we provided all meals etc, including a take away "

Why, obviously? What are the usual arrangements between you?

It wouldn't happen in my circle, but we can't afford to fully host someone, we count it as an offer to sleep and buy our own food.

swivelchair · 25/03/2018 16:36

I think it's unusual - we would have loaded up with wine/brought something up for the kids as a bear minimum.

I think the difference is asking - we had some people come to stay, and they bought food for themselves, and offered to pay for the shopping - but we told them that the best payment was them having the kids while we went to the shops alone (we live the high life) - and honestly, it really was - money we can find, child-free time is precious!