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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were they rude or was I expecting too much?

151 replies

KnowYourOnions · 25/03/2018 16:08

Friends visited this weekend. They were here Friday to Sunday and obviously we provided all meals etc, including a take away (which they knew about in advance). They didn’t offer to contribute towards the take away, didn’t offer help with any of the cooking/tidying up after meals and they didn’t bring anything at all as a thank you.

Obviously I won’t say anything but am I being totally unreasonable to feel a bit miffed? I would always take something if I were staying with someone and pitch in with stuff that needed doing.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 25/03/2018 17:52

They are not friends, they are moochers/scroungers whatever you want to call them.
They should have come with a gift and also paid their fair share for all the food and helped out in the kitchen and with tidying.
Dont have them over again Op, just fuck them off and find better people to hang out with

Original poster
KnowYourOnions · 25/03/2018 17:56

They are not friends, they are moochers/scroungers whatever you want to call them.

That’s the thing, they really aren’t (usually). It’s really strange.

The question is why did they change this time and were so rude and ill mannered.

I think this is something I will ponder. I don’t see them often so perhaps something has happened that they haven’t told me about. I’m not going to be cutting them off or retaliating, although if it happens again I will be reconsidering whether we continue meeting up in the same way.

I’m glad I wasn’t being over sensitive. Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
branstonbaby · 25/03/2018 17:56

Don't invite them back.

latchkeyadult · 25/03/2018 18:01

I can't imagine any circumstance where I'd let friends buy me a takeaway. Maybe my birthday?

If they were doing something for me already (such as putting me up for a whole weekend) I'd insist on paying for the takeaway for sure.

Your "friends" have no manners. I'd be pissed off and I'd never invite them again.

Aria2015 · 25/03/2018 18:01

I think that's a bit off. I mean I don't ever expect guests to help out around the house, especially of it was just a weekend but I think contributing or treating you to the takeaway would have been nice but at the very least I think a thank card and coming with a gift is just manners. I recently stayed with a family member and treated them for a couple of meals and left a card and chocolates to say thank you.

OCSockOrphanage · 25/03/2018 18:12

We live a good distance from our oldest, closest friends, so we tend to book a weekend cottage somewhere in the middle to meet up. Everybody is tasked for a meal (breakfast being one of the most expensive and complicated if it's a full English: I know this because we always end up doing it and by the time you've included coffee, tea, milk, juice, bread, butter, marmelade and ketchup as well as bacon, eggs and sausages for eight, it costs more than a casserole and veg made at home, every time). Then we split any meals out, and everyone brings nice bits they have found. We usually leave several lbs heavier.

But for a stay at someone's home, we would take flowers, wine (one bottle per person per evening), something chocolate or a soft toy for smaller guests and a small hostess gift (usually a nice book, toiletries -- diffuser oil is good, picture frame or garden plant). In a pretty gift bag. And a thank you letter afterwards.

demirose87 · 25/03/2018 18:16

Very rude especially not contributing to the takeaway and clearing away after themselves. They're lacking basic manners.

shesalady · 25/03/2018 18:20

We stay at people's houses pretty much every week. This week we took eggs from our chickens, baked some cakes, brought snacks, four bottles of wine and some coffee.

Last week to other friends we brought some maple syrup we'd just made, eggs, six pack of nice beer and two bottles of wine, a bunch of flowers and some bacon.

I'd rather be ott than known as Toby, I wouldn't be asking them again.

extinctspecies · 25/03/2018 18:21

Basic good manners when you go to stay with someone for a weekend are:

Bring a present - such as wine, flowers, chocolates, a book or a nice cheese.
Offer to help with any food prep/clearing up (but don't push too hard if your hosts decline as many people prefer to do it their way/not have people in the kitchen).
If you go out somewhere which involves paying e.g. entrance fee for a visit to a garden, offer assertively to pay for your hosts as well.
When you leave, thank them profusely for having you to stay and the delicious meals/great entertainment (even if it wasn't)
within the next week send a thank you card or note, or at least a text, saying what a lovely time you had.

However, not everyone will do all these things and it's also not good manners to judge them if they haven't (although I probably would secretly...).

OP, I would not assume they meant to deliberately cause offence, just that they are not well-versed in etiquette. The important thing is that you enjoy each other's company. If you don't, then don't arrange to see them again.

AlpacaLypse · 25/03/2018 18:25

This time of year it's normally a bowl of hyacinths as present, plus wine and chocs. And definitely offer to help with everything, one of our best friends has horses and helping with mucking out always ended with pony rides which my girls used to love when they were still young enough to come too (both off at Uni now).

EastMidsMummy · 25/03/2018 18:33

It's rude not to offer to help or pay (and not to bring a gift) but maybe they're planning on returning the favour next time??

TotHappy · 25/03/2018 19:30

Wow, the bare minimum for some of you is quite high! We would usually bring wine but no other gift, and i would say thank you at the end bit never send a card, and only very rarely a text. I've already said thank you, to their face. Would offer to help with saying up etc though.

TotHappy · 25/03/2018 19:31

*washing up

shesalady · 25/03/2018 19:34

We probably give more than most as we ask to stay at people's houses a lot. We try to rotate so it's only once very couple of months for each person but still don't want to look ungrateful!

QuantumPixies · 25/03/2018 19:38

Wow, the bare minimum for some of you is quite high!

I agree. I’d normally just take wine or chocolates and say thanks. Once I forgot to buy anything and the only thing I could find in the cupboard was a tin of tuna for the cat! That became a running joke with those friends.

Fadingmemory · 25/03/2018 19:41

YANBU. I would have taken flowers & chocolates or something else they might particularly have liked. I would have bought the takeaway or paid for a meal out. Would also have helped prep and clear meals. If they are so insensitive, am not sure what else you could do, other than ask them politely to bring X or suggest a meal out at shared cost etc.

MerryDeath · 25/03/2018 19:50

YANBU i would have at least insisted on treating you to the takeaway as a thank you. minimum!

Theconifers25 · 25/03/2018 20:04

Oh dear...
I don’t take anything with me when I go to visit or for an overnight stay.
Well maybe some wine to share that night.

Someone brought an apple crumble to us on one occasion when we cooked dinner.
Otherwise no gifts to or from family/ friends. I didn’t know it was a thing.
I’ve always said a sincere thank you and been thanked if hosted but that’s it and it’s always been enough.
Re the takeaway scenario, I would offer to pay or go halves.

PorkFlute · 25/03/2018 20:12

If they aren’t normally tight is it possible like a pp said that they each thought the other had given you money for the takeaway?

imonaplane · 25/03/2018 20:13

They were extremely rude. Don't invite them again.

Floottoot · 25/03/2018 20:23

So glad to read this post and the responses agreeing your guests were rude.
I have had exactly the same experience with 2 different friends. In both cases, they invited themselves, rather than us inviting them. Both required collecting by car ( 25 mile round trip at either end of the visit) and neither brought anything with them, paid for anything while they were here, offered to help or went so much as a card after they'd gone home.
I was pretty cross but wondered if I was being disengenuous to feel that way - your post has made me realise THEY were the disengenuous ones.

MrsLaurac · 25/03/2018 20:28

Very rude - even if they are struggling for money doesnt cost much to bring a bottle of wine and some sweets for the kids etc. Unless they are likely to host you back? Some friends of ours often come round for a takeaway and wine night and we pay but then they will pay for something the following time rather than keep chipping in etc but husband and the other guy have been friends for like 30 years so they dont really care anymore about the odd bit of money

stressedoutfred · 25/03/2018 20:38

Very rude!

A couple of times a year we have my BIL, his wife and 3 children come and stay. They always bring chocolate for me and SIL, Beers for DH and BIL and they insist on paying for a take away one of the nights. If we ever stayed there we'd definitely do the same. It's just manners and they really appreciate coming to stay with us - even if we have to live like the waltons!!

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 25/03/2018 20:43

They sound like a bunch of freeloaders. Very rude not to offer or to turn up with something like wine, flowers etc

WinstonlovesJulia1984 · 25/03/2018 21:24

extinctspecies I agree with your list and do all the things on it myself when I am a guest. However sending thank-you cards afterwards is something that seems to have fallen away in the last 20 - 30 years, so I don't necessarily think badly of a guest who does not do this if they have otherwise been a pleasure to have, although I always appreciate a card when I do receive one.