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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were they rude or was I expecting too much?

151 replies

KnowYourOnions · 25/03/2018 16:08

Friends visited this weekend. They were here Friday to Sunday and obviously we provided all meals etc, including a take away (which they knew about in advance). They didn’t offer to contribute towards the take away, didn’t offer help with any of the cooking/tidying up after meals and they didn’t bring anything at all as a thank you.

Obviously I won’t say anything but am I being totally unreasonable to feel a bit miffed? I would always take something if I were staying with someone and pitch in with stuff that needed doing.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 26/03/2018 20:01

Incredibly selfish of them.
A gift, thank yous, paying for a meal while they are staying and mucking in should all be pretty normal. You arent there to wait on them its not a hotel fgs!

I would not be accepting thier self invitation again.

Even a token gift that you liked would be better than nothing.

Chickoletta · 26/03/2018 20:18

YANBU. We are going to stay with a friend over Easter for 3 nights and will take booze and lots of local produce from home (he used to live here). Will probably also buy a take away one night. Even all of that works out far cheaper than even the cheapest hotel for all of us and I'd like him to feel a bit spoilt whilst we're there.

jayne1976 · 26/03/2018 20:19

Should have bought wine / flowers, and offered to help, but if you have guests they are your responsibility to feed - however you choose to do so / you can’t invite people for dinner and then expect them to pay for it!

OCSockOrphanage · 26/03/2018 20:28

It's not definitely English, BlackTeasPlease. Ill-mannered, uncouth, ungrateful, possibly badly educated and most certainly rude, but not definitely English... please....

BraayTigger · 26/03/2018 20:50

YANBU

Very rude of your “friends”. Always, always take gifts when visit people for lunch/tea/overnight-whatever it is never go empty handed.

They should have paid for the take away.

Some people are like this. We have had a couple stay with us before and fed watered (wined) for duration of stay (they didn’t bring anything). Then he came and stayed on his own to avoid paying for a hotel when on business, brought no wine, flowers, nothing. Some people are just thoughtless and tight.
Hope u get a nice bouquet in the post XX

Liara · 26/03/2018 20:51

I hate it when guests insist on bringing stuff. If I'm willing to have people over it's because I enjoy their company, and am more than happy to cater.

I'm pretty blunt about telling people to help themselves to tea and so on and not expect to be catered. Can't be bothered trying to second guess what people want, and it's more relaxed if everyone just helps themselves.

Helping to clear up and etc. is just normal, though, isn't it?

DameDoom · 26/03/2018 21:01

Do you Liara? I really appreciate a lovely candle, nice wine or a cheeseboard. I'd be mortified if my hosts 'hated' a well-meaning thank you from me.

redcarbluecar · 26/03/2018 21:10

I think it was odd of them not to bring wine and not to even offer to chip in for the takeaway. Not sure I'd be sacking them off as friends because of it but I'd bear it in mind for future get togethers, especially if I knew it had got to me and wanted to avoid a repeat of that feeling.

I guess it's also polite to offer help in the kitchen. I think I'd directly ask people though if I needed help with cooking or preparation. I don't like it when guests start washing up, and would be relieved if they didn't even offer, but that's just preference. I think it's nice to get a thank you card or message after hosting, but not everyone does it and I don't think it's the height of rudeness as long as they've thanked you in person when leaving.

Farmerswife36 · 26/03/2018 21:13

I would have paid for whole takeaway as a thank you and tidied plates etc after every meal. I'd also offer help with cooking etc . Some people just dont give a shit and are happy to take take take . I'd be mortified and I always offer to help where I can

Liara · 26/03/2018 21:15

Yes, sorry! I'm a bit phobic about too much 'stuff', clutter and waste! I try to minimise the stuff we buy and buy what we do buy as ethically as possible, so random excess stuff is annoying to me. I realise not everyone feels like this!

Some of my friends can't even seem to be able to come over for afternoon tea without having to bring something or other!

DameDoom · 26/03/2018 21:16

I remember my mum telling me about a weekend they spent at my godparents. My parents took wine and gifts as a gesture but were not even offered so much as a sandwich from Saturday morning through Sunday. They would not allow my parents to take them out to dinner either.
My mum was agog. Godparents were far from poor too. So odd.

dustyparadeground · 26/03/2018 21:22

Maybe something more going on here? Has one if them got the sack from work? Jealous of you if you are doing particularly well? YANBU but I'm left pondering if there is a.n.other thing going on here behind the scenes as it were?

Mulberrybaby · 26/03/2018 22:44

They wouldn’t be invited back it it was me... they’re rude, inconsiderate and tight IMO

bemusedmoose · 27/03/2018 07:49

I would never expect a guest to cook or pay for takeaway. As a host it's your job to provide for your guests.

As a guest i would bring a gift and offer to help clean up but offering to cook in someone's home is odd!

That's how i was brought up, that the host does everything and the guest enjoys the free time. Also if the guest were to provide food or cook, that would imply that they didn't think yours was good enough which would be insulting. Maybe it's old fashioned but that's how it's been in my family for at least 3 generations.

If that helps see it from the other side...

PurpleRobe · 27/03/2018 07:51

As a host I wouldn't have even noticed that they did this.

But as a guest I would be mortified if I hadn't brought a gift with me to say thanks

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/03/2018 09:18

I think it’s bad manners not to offer to help clean up and contribute towards the takeaway. Personally - I would have insisted that as your house guest I should pay for the takeaway as a thank you for having me stay.

JuJu2017 · 27/03/2018 09:57

You aren’t being unreasonable at all, especially with regards to the takeaway! It’s not like it was something you had in anyway. And to not say thank you is pretty disrespectful, too. Some people are just like that though and genuinely don’t mean any harm by it. Just make sure you go to theirs next time.

cambodianfoxhound · 27/03/2018 10:34

Really off. If I am staying for a weekend, I would take several bottles of wine (at least), a gift, gift for any children and would have insisted on either paying for the takeaway or for a meal out. That would be minimum. I would be looking for opportunities to help out at any mealtime etc.

Really, people saying one bottle of wine for a weekend stay? In all honestly this would make you look tight to me. Gifts don't have to be expensive, homemade gifts are very thoughtful and for me it is much more about showing appreciation.

Jazzy11 · 27/03/2018 10:48

I think the worst part about it is not offering to pay towards or offer to help out around the house. Flowers/wine/gifts are a nice gesture but I don’t think it’s rude not to bring anything if they help in other ways... 100% they should have offered to pay at least half for the takeaway or took the initiative to clean up after the meals you cooked them and been a bit more thankful

Failingat40 · 27/03/2018 14:47

I wonder if they feel you owed them something?

If they aren't usually mean freeloaders there surely must be some kind of justification in their minds?

Since things are likely to slide now anyway id probably message them asking if everything is alright between them as they appeared to be rather unlike their normal selves and a bit distracted when they stayed?

Imsosceptical · 27/03/2018 14:56

I love your post because it’s totally resonates with me!!, as a migrant we often get visitors, and living in OZ it’s a bit trip so they come for extended visits. We only get 4weeks annual leave and we treasure that for us as a family so when we have visitors life tends to go on for us while for them it’s a holiday, unfortunately, an all inclusive, full maid service holiday, can not tell you the stress of coming off an 8 hr shift to have the family who’ve spent the day sunbathing round the pool asking what I’m planning to cook them for dinner!!! And also pointing out to me the beer fridge is running low!!! I’m used to it but I can honestly say when we go back to the UK we usually have to pay for hotels cos they. All claim they don’t have the space for us to stay with them...apparently Australian houses are bigger than uK ones and that’s not their fault ha ha!

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 27/03/2018 16:32

DameDoom are you saying they all starved for 2 days?!

DameDoom · 27/03/2018 17:05

I am indeed although apparently the kettle was on frequently so they survived.

Snowmagedon · 27/03/2018 17:52

I definalty wouldn't expect guests to contribute to take away, I'd they are coming to me I expect to feed them.

I don't expect guests to clean etc either...

Some small gesture however would have been considerate.. Without a doubt, something!! Flowers, chocolate, wine the usual!! When I was much younger in twenties I may not have given gifts staying somewhere but since 30 and 40 I have.

Over Xmas well stayed at relatives, took loads of booze, flowers, a house gift, paid for takeaway.. Did all the cooking and paid for Xmas Dinner.

No problem! Basic minium, polite to simply take something as a gesture of thanks, indeed, if they have not brought small token gift of thanks it would have been polite to chip in with take away

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 27/03/2018 18:06

DameDoom I think I would assume I was unwelcome and leave! Or at the very least when they had refused my invitation to dinner, I'd have said, "Well I'm going out to eat as I'm really quite hungry - see you later."

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