Were they rude or was I expecting too much?

[KnowYourOnions]

Friends visited this weekend. They were here Friday to Sunday and obviously we provided all meals etc, including a take away (which they knew about in advance). They didn’t offer to contribute towards the take away, didn’t offer help with any of the cooking/tidying up after meals and they didn’t bring anything at all as a thank you.

Obviously I won’t say anything but am I being totally unreasonable to feel a bit miffed? I would always take something if I were staying with someone and pitch in with stuff that needed doing.

They paid for their own coffee and cake, I paid for mine and dh’s. They were in front of me in the queue. If it had been me, I would have paid for all of it in lieu of the take away money from the night before.

So what happens when you go to them? I think it depends on the friendship. There are friends I know I don't need to take something - then there are others I know its all out or offense is taken. I make sure to know which is which

We have never stayed over but when we’ve been round for other things, we’ve always taken drinks, cake or something similar.

I had a friend like that. I say 'had' because the last time she did it I emailed her and told her I was sick of her freeloading and treating us like a hotel.

I'd find that rude and like you I wouldn't say anything- just seethe silently for a bit

It sounds like they treated your house as some sort of hotel? Have you checked Trip Advisor? They might have left you a review.

a free hotel

They were rude and ignorant.

Maybe it was an,oversight, and the dh thought the,dw had paid, or vice versa.

If I was staying with someone I would bring flowers and wine with me or buy some at the end as a thank you. I would have offered to pay for the takeaway.

I wouldn't have offered to tidy up or cook though and I wouldn't expect guests to do that in my house either.

And no, you are not being petty. This sort of behaviour makes me seethe with resentment as well.

They should have offered with the take away and the coffee and cake. They should have offered to help and been ready to pay their way.

But I think flowers are weird. I wouldn’t buy flowers for someone and if someone turned up with flowers for me I would find it really uncomfortable. I clearly missed out on my copy of the etiquette handbook. I hate that oh you don’t have to help but I want you to help really unwritten stuff.

Hello, great to see you. Here is something you can slowly watch die for a few days as you try to keep them alive.

I think people who are hosting should set out clear expectations but not host piss takers.

Have you checked Trip Advisor? They might have left you a review.

Maybe! They seemed to have a nice time, it was nice to catch up but the sitting around expecting to be waited on and not contribute was just odd.

An “oversight”???? Hardly. It was calculated freeloading.

Decent guests arrive with a gift - e.g. flowers, chocolates. Waiting until you are leaving before giving a gift is not acceptable either.

Actually if it's a choice between the two I would say it's more polite to give a present as you're leaving to emphasise your thanks

I wouldn't expect guests to do anything though.

YANBU. I wouldn't turn up to someone's house empty handed if we were just invited for dinner, let alone a whole weekend. I'd always bring a bottle of wine at the very least and in your friends position I would definitely have insisted on paying for the takeaway as a thank you for your hospitality.

its rude.

Most of our friends are from uni days so etiquette within our group tends to be fairly laid back as the 'rules' were established when we were all skint. But we always take booze when visiting and everyone pays for their own share of any takeaway, so these "friends" of yours were rude even by my very low standards.

The offer to pay, or to help, should've been forthcoming at the very least.

I always take a gift of chocolates or flowers etc.

I cringed at a PP saying go there and do it to them. It would make my skin itch trying to sit there and not help, or eating a dinner without paying or saying thanks. I don't think I could do it!

YANBU. Sometimes people don't get this kind of thing until after they've hosted a few times themselves and find other visitors have far better manners!

Not that it's any excuse but are you/they quite young(ish) and this is all still quite new territory?

Not that it's any excuse but are you/they quite young(ish) and this is all still quite new territory?

No, we’re all late thirties. Definitely not young.

Always take wine and flowers when visiting friends for lunch, dinner or the weekend. Offer to help in the kitchen, clearing the table etc.
If we eat out we split the bill and would probably offer to go halves on a takeaway. Out for coffee the non driver / non host usually pays in our circle but a straight split would be fine.
Send a thank you note/text when I get home.
These people sound like freeloaders, not people I'd want as friends. Sorry it's marred your weekend. I'd be pissed off too.

Oh. Well in that case they can bloody do one!

I think everyone is saying the same thing, it's common etiquette, as your previous visits with them for meals has shown. The question is why did they change this time and were so rude and ill mannered. I'd be mortified to behave as they did.