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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should have introduced themselves?

365 replies

Uhuhhoney · 24/03/2018 23:44

Ive just moved into a new houseshare.

When i was moving my stuff in i heard one of the flatmates rummaging in the kitchen so i went downstairs and she scuttled back to her (downstairs) room. Hmm i thought... anyway, i was then making food this evening and hwr boyfriend came in and said im Courtneys boyfriend (me having no idea who she is). They're now chatting really fucking loudly downstairs and i feel like it would be awkward to go and make a brew.

Aibu to think shes been rude to deliberately ignore her only (new) flatmate!

OP posts:
londonrach · 30/03/2018 08:30

She sounds rude rather than shy. The house rules need to be agreed between both of you and both of you follow them so her boyfriend cant stay which is a pity as hes the friendly one. Respond to her note saying..

thank you for house rules. Great idea. Can we have a house meeting in the kitchen as ive a few ideas to add. Love hunny x

londonrach · 30/03/2018 08:32

Flumpy...when i lived in london one bed flats started at 350,000 so a huge no no mortage wise. £1000 is cheap for rent.

ListeningtoBowie · 30/03/2018 08:50

All very strange

flumpybear · 30/03/2018 11:30

I'd live outside London and commute in

Mumto2two · 30/03/2018 11:46

Being shy or autistic, or falling anywhere on any spectrum of 'social awkwardness', is simply no excuse for being rude.

bluebell34567 · 30/03/2018 17:29

I wish op would update us.

Lookforthestars · 30/03/2018 20:27

"Being autistic is no excuse for being rude."

That's possibly the most stupid fucking thing I've ever heard on Mumsnet.

Give your head a fucking wobble @Mumto2two .

My brother struggles with every aspect of just living his life daily. He can't speak. He can't cook for himself. He can't shower alone. He certainly can't be 'polite'.

toffee1000 · 30/03/2018 20:36

There is a spectrum Lookforthestars. Not everyone is like your brother. We have no indication if OP’s flatware is on the spectrum or not, but if she was, she’s clearly able to live independently.

Mumto2two · 30/03/2018 22:43

Lookforthestars... I am clearly referring to the lady in this post, and the various suggestions put forward for her rudeness, which on the information given, seemed to have little excuse. I thought twice about actually even responding to your post, but I'm not an insensitive person usually, and I don't intend to be now. I am sorry if you felt my comment had wider reference. I can assure you it doesn't. It was by no means meant that way.

Original poster
Uhuhhoney · 30/03/2018 23:33

So quick update, the boyfriend travelled down from up north yesterday. Hes very very talkative and friendly, no shyness etc. Told him the situation of course and he was fuming that anyone could be that rude.

Last night, me and boyfriend were in living room about 8 watching TV. Flatmates BF comes in and just chats to us for about 20 mins. All good, i ask if theyd like tje living room as wed been in there for a while. Come 11, the "shy" flatmate sends out her boyfriend to ask if id read the rules. Boyfriend replies no honey didnt read the rules, in fact your gf has been making her feel really uncomfortable for days on end, and its not fair. If she wants honey to follow the rules, then she needs to stop being so rude and acknowledge this as a house share. Dont know if she knows shes been funny but i dont like honey being upset as you probably understand". Her bf was a bit awkward and said along the lines of shes nice really etc etc.

This morning we were on front step having a cigarette, and she walks out with bf - ignores us. My boyfriend says nice to meet you, im honeys boyfriend, youll probably see me most weekends as i live up north. Take it youre quite shy as our honey says she hasnt met you."

Me, my boyfriend and her boyfriend all sat together for tea, but she didn't want any.

Ive got a feeling shell move out tbh ...

I like the way my boyfriend handled it though!

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 30/03/2018 23:51

Yep, your bf sounds great.

It’s a shame you didn’t visit say more about ‘the weird list of rules’ and tell him to ask her why she thought you should follow them when a) she doesn’t & b) it’s a house share , you aren’t her lodger.

Mynewnameforabit · 31/03/2018 00:17

The issue with these rules, is that you weren't told about them before you moved in - I expect you got to check a tenancy agreement, to make sure it seemed reasonable, and didn't have daft restrictions? so having these added suddenly now isn't really fair.
I'd be tempted to clarify with the landlord that they aren't from him/her (I'm pretty sure they aren't, and its a good idea to let them know what's going on..), then maybe leave flatmate the rules in the kitchen, and write on it something like:
'Sorry, these aren't part of the tenancy agreement, and are a bit too restrictive, but I'm sure we'll manage to get along all the same :-)'.
But that probably would wind her up Grin. Plan B would be to start looking for a different flatshare...

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 00:58

Tbh I'm not surprised she ignored you this time if her bf relayed the conversation he had with your bf. It sounded quite aggressive and accusatory. You clearly stated things you had read from the note, yet bf said you hadn't read it?
I'm open to accept a wide range of reasons for her behaviour, but despite ppl with experience explaining different situations, the majority here don't seem able to accept she may have a problem with socializing due to mn/spectrum disorder/whatever.
Op, you're sounding as if you are intent on driving her out, without pausing to consider how she feels/how difficult it may be if she has a problem. You've been there barely any time at all and from her point of view, may be pushing uncomfortably quickly.
I'll probably get flamed for that, and for assuming things about her, but that's exactly what everyone else is doing, except assuming the worst, rather than giving the benefit of the doubt.
And no doubt the next few updates will have her being even more hostile and unwelcoming... Hmm

Motoko · 31/03/2018 04:25

If being polite is so difficult for her, a flatshare is the wrong place for her to be in. She'd be better of being a lodger.

Booboo66 · 31/03/2018 07:55

I think the fact she’d advertised her self as friendly and her boyfriend is upholding this when asked rather than explaining shyness/autistic/social skills issues is part of the problem here. Surely he himself has noticed how she’s asking? I’d ask him outright if there is a reason she’s acting this way and mention a few of the options given here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2018 08:03

sakurasnail
Why should op consider her flat mate for one moment considering how she described herself before moving in and her behaviour since the move? I’d have a great deal of sympathy had she been upfront about any kind of anxiety issue. We don’t even know if she suffers from any kind of disorder. Thus far she’s just been rude and issued passive aggressive rules. Talk about spinning a yarn.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 08:05

If being polite is so difficult for her, a flatshare is the wrong place for her to be in. She'd be better of being a lodger.
I've experienced both, and being a lodger was worse. I was in with what I thought was a nice old couple, but was constantly made aware of the fact I was using someone else's bathroom/kitchen etc. The old guy thought anything less than a ten minute conversation on topics of his interest first thing on a morning was being rude. So you can imagine how a quick good morning if I dashed out went down. I was seen as rude if I didn't make the time to have this conversation every day. Which would have involved lurking around downstairs until he was around...despite the fact he was retired and had his own agenda and I needed to be out early. I know this because he told his wife to tell me so. Similar evening situation. Was not nice.

notsohippychick · 31/03/2018 08:07

I’m wondering if this girl has some kind of social communication issues? Surely no one could be that rude?

May explain the aloofness, the boyfriend speaking on her behalf, the rules etc. Perhaps she has autism/anxiety?

If not, I would be horrified that anyone could act this way!

Rachie1986 · 31/03/2018 08:11

A very odd situation! Hope you get to the bottom of it OP. I agree that maybe some kind of social anxiety/autism etc, but then why list yourself as sociable on the advert?!

londonrach · 31/03/2018 08:12

Rules would both ways..if your bf cant stay neither can hers. She sounds very strange though.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 08:16

I agree that maybe some kind of social anxiety/autism etc, but then why list yourself as sociable on the advert?!
Because ppl who suffer from this can be very sociable with ppl they feel comfortable with. It's often more a problem with strangers/large groups (even if known)/new ppl, which is overcome slowly, with patience and understanding rather than assumptions and accusations. Ie not judging anyone too quickly, giving the benefit of the doubt, and being friendly without putting pressure on in a short time frame.

MyLearnedFriend · 31/03/2018 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tenredthings · 31/03/2018 09:27

Did you say when you moved in that you were a smoker ? You say you were smoking on the step outside. Even if you smoke outside to a non smoker you can make the house smell with the residual smoke on your clothes. Maybe this is pissing her off but she's not communicating it and her silence is a passive aggressive reaction ?

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 09:36

@mylearnedfriend I'm not projecting, I'm giving an alternative reason for the behaviour, which is what happens when someone asks a q on a discussion forum. I also gave an example of my experience which I used to explain why I didn't think being a lodger would be easier for the housemate.
How is this projecting? It's giving an opinion based on personal experience, which we all do at one point or another.

However, as it seems most ppl have already judged and aren't open to other possibilities they obviously haven't experienced, I'll not bother anymore. This is one of the most close minded threads I've seen.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 31/03/2018 09:39

I’m not sure why she has more of an obligation to introduce herself than you do... I think you are both being equally rude!