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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 20:38

I haven't got a clue what op has done wrong, her 'friend' has been very sneaky and duplicitous, not very nice, op dd was hurt and she, that her dd was not invited to her close friends party. I would feel the same, and would distance myself from that friendship and encourage my dd to make other friends. I suppose she will now, that she's seen the pictures on Facebook of her friends party, when she was not invited to, and who came to hers.

Findingdotty · 26/03/2018 20:44

I suspec the girls aren't as close as you think they are. Also children grow apart especially when they don't attend the same school.

Unless your DD is very upset herself (not you - her!) then I would let this go and say nothing. Friendships change. End of really.

treacletoffee23 · 26/03/2018 20:53

MrsGloop totally agree with your last post.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 21:01

Well they see each other regularly and go for sleepovers at each other's house, op described them as being tight. I think this was the mums doing.

jwpetal · 26/03/2018 21:18

I can't imagine doing this to my friends and their children. Yes, the numbers are limited, but then a friend would say something. My son has a best friend, who goes to another school. We explained that we were having a small sleepover with his school friends, but then had his best friend over for dinner and a trip to see a film. When we were note invited to a party, we would say something and maybe do something else on the side. Nothing big. This is what friends do. OP said that shew as friends with the mum. this is not how a friend acts. It is not the being invited or not. It is showing respect to the other person. This is not just a person on the playground.

to be honest, there isn't a lot to be done, but show you are the better person. At least now, you know how this other mum sees you. Perhaps it is time to move on.

jwpetal · 26/03/2018 21:19

sorry for typos. fingers have a mind of their own...

Original poster
MrsGloop · 26/03/2018 21:55

Just received a text from my friend. Jane really enjoyed the party; so much do that would DD be interested in doing a summer camp together at the party venue.

I told her that DD was too busy.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 26/03/2018 22:02

I think that wasn't fair. Did you ask your daughter if she wanted to go first?

GreenTulips · 26/03/2018 22:07

I think other was fair - mum is trying to make up for being shorty without apologizing

Unktious · 26/03/2018 22:18

That sound churlish. I presume you asked your daughter?

MadameFireweed · 26/03/2018 22:20

Integrated

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 22:28

I woukd have replied shame dd wasent invited to Jane party, so yiur dd good enough when the mum wants it. Good on you, encourage your dd towards other friendships, Mabey look at a camp locally you coukd send dd to if she wants without Jane.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 22:35

Your showing your dd not to be a mug and be treated badly by friends. I probably woukd have mentioned it to dd, talked about what has happened and tell her that you will refuse. Sometimes as an adult yiu have to make a decision for the greater good, what Janes mum did was disgusting.

BelleandBeast · 26/03/2018 22:56

Other Mum must be thick skinned, doesn't she realise? I think you have to tell her that it seems the friendship has cooled, be upfront, not passive aggressive.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 26/03/2018 23:00

I think you've made a point MrsGloop, and I totally understand why. I suspect it will all cool quite a bit going forward; although the girls can come back together if they want to at some point in the future.

kiloh · 26/03/2018 23:21

I can see why your daughter is upset, New School or not they are still good friends see each other every week and have sleep overs, at that age they should be inclusive and able to mix between different groups of friends, lots of assumptions being made when actually she may have been at the new school for a while? ...personally as a mother and knowing that they’d been planning their parties ‘together’ the week before I would have been uncomfortable then not allowing that child to come ‘cementing other friendships or not’ I would not want to cause any undue upset towards another child. The it’s their party and they can do what they want also seems to be being argued a lot here, and if it was someone they didn’t particularly get on with fair enough but where the children are close and there has been no fall out, I would have been asking them to think about how they were treating their friend and if they thought that it was acceptable behaviour to drop them like that ...in the long term who would want to be friends with someone unable to consider anyone else’s feelings other than their own, endorsement of that attitude wouldn’t exactly be doing them any favours...

gooseygoosegoose · 27/03/2018 00:55

Of course it was fair. Her daughter was treated poorly, lied to and has been upset. Op is taking a stand for her daughter.

gooseygoosegoose · 27/03/2018 00:58

If you were really passive aggressive you could organise your daughter to have a summer camp there with another friend and then stick the photos on Facebook. Kidding, that would be childish Grin

Fleshmechanic · 27/03/2018 03:30

I think you see what she says. If her child didn't want to invite yours then you at least know. She should have said though, why would she lie so brazenly and then post it on social media? Is she an idiot...

trickyboots · 27/03/2018 06:52

Was it just new School friends at the party? My dd found it really difficult for the to integrate different groups at that age. That said-Mum could've been open about it. Any chance she's having another thing for your wee group?

Icanttakemuchmore · 27/03/2018 08:44

That's not the sort of behaviour you would expect from a friend op, you would expect her to talk to you and explain why your Dd wasn't invited. Cf! So just goes to show she isn't really a friend. It's a shame about your Dd not getting invited so maybe it's time to distance yourself from your so called friend if that is how she behaves.

Willow2017 · 27/03/2018 09:10

Op's daughter isnt good enough to attend janes party but janes mmum thinks its fine to attend her party and now she wants her dd to have a pal to go to something ops dd is good enough for that.
Jog on You dont snub people then expect favours.

And if jane is gobby and annoyed the person running the party as well as op by her behaviour (potentially spoiling the party) i wouldn't want my child hanging around her much either. Its not insulting if you are stating a fact.
Sounds like both mother and daughter are oblivious to how thier behaviour impacts on other people.

PorkFlute · 27/03/2018 09:13

That would annoy me. Not the fact she hadn’t invited your dd but that she pretended it wasn’t her dd’s party knowing you would see the pictures on Facebook.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/03/2018 09:16

The reality is that you don’t get to choose whose birthday party you get invited to.
My daughter is socially awkward and social anxiety - despite the fact that she’s very kind and generous, well mannered and well behaved she doesn’t get invited to many parties. That’s life.
You can ask her all you want - but it won’t change the situation

mirandasings · 27/03/2018 09:23

Why is the OP getting such a hard time from a lot of you??

You must all be a bunch of the other mother or your kids are all Jane!

I'm glad you stuck up for your daughter OP and said no to the summer camp. I would want you as my mother at least you'd have my back.

I would have brought up the party and I even would have asked Jane how her party was, it was posted on Facebook did they expect you not to see it?! She's a CF and I wouldn't have anything more to do with them.

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