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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Pull Her Up On This?

226 replies

MrsGloop · 24/03/2018 20:42

My DD (10) has a good friend from school, I’ll call her Jane. They’ve had sleepovers st each other’s houses and are pretty tight. Jane recently moved schools but the girls see each other every week at choir. Jane’s mum has become a good friend of mine and we get together within a group of five every month or so.

DDs birthday party is tomorrow. Jane is coming - do you see where this is going yet? - and a couple of weeks ago Jane’s mum asked me, in front of DD, when it was so that she could plan Jane’s birthday party on a different day.

Fast forward to today, it’s choir practice and I sent a text to Jane’s mum offering to give Jane a ride home (We practically drive past their house.) Mum responded - no need, Jane won’t be there, she’s at a basketball team party. Ok, no problem.

Logged on to FB when I got home. Basketball party my arse. Jane had her birthday party this morning. No invitation for my DD (although I bet the cf still comes to my DDs party tomorrow.)

Who does that? I don’t know what I’m angry about - the fact that she made this big production about making sure the dates didn’t clash, or the fact that flat-out lied to me this morning. I understand that it’s Jane’s prerogative to invite who she likes, but handle it gracefully for goodness sake!

My DH is very anti-confrontation so thinks it’s a terrible idea to ever raise it with her, but I’m really pissed off. What would you do?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 18:15

Oh right she's now had the party, this would be a dealbreaker, and shows to me another side of Jane's mum, an dishonest and unpleasant side, which I just would put me right off her. I would be pulling away from this friendship.

MsHarry · 26/03/2018 18:21

Just ask when Jane's birthday party is so you can keep the date free.

GreenTulips · 26/03/2018 18:23

Jane had her party - Janes mum put the pictures on FB - which OP commented on

Janes mum then sent Jane to DDs party the next day

MsHarry · 26/03/2018 18:24

Thanks thread admin person. Wink

eddielizzard · 26/03/2018 18:28

that's a really shit thing to do. really really shit. can't think of a plausible reason for such shitty behaviour. i would be distancing myself.

JaneEyre70 · 26/03/2018 18:35

I had very similar OP and let's just say I didn't encourage DD to pursue the friendship outside of school anymore. I would be very eager to invite different friends, and make excuses for sleepovers. Jane's mum is a biatch.

extinctspecies · 26/03/2018 18:39

I think you need to address it directly with Jane's Mum or it will niggle at you forever.

Here are some Flowers for you and Cake for your DD.

Chickinlikin · 26/03/2018 18:44

There are a whole lot of really mean spirited people on here. Of course the OP is upset and has every right to be. I think some people on here just love a confrontation - god knows what you are all like in real life.

OuchLegoHurts · 26/03/2018 18:44

That was a hurtful things to do. Even if it was the daughter, the mother should not have allowed her to exclude her daughter. I don't know why people are being so weird to you on here. In the normal world, this type of behaviour is not acceptable.

Sparklyglitter · 26/03/2018 18:45

People are just sooo mean! If she wanted to just have new friends to help daughter to settle, that’s fine but be upfront about it! The girls sound like they are good friends so I would have had the party with new friends and then done a little something for the two girls. This might be a case of going for the higher ground and satisfying yourself making the odd jibe that embarrasses her?

MaggieS41 · 26/03/2018 18:51

YANBU

Gee, I wonder why bullying/cyber bullying is strife with young kids these days when reading fucked up comments on mumsnet....

MissSeventies · 26/03/2018 18:53

Ok I can officially say I don't understand people on here. Just a few days ago another Mum was being called all sorts of insults because she wanted to attend a special Mum/Dad and child event with ehr daughter without a lose acquaintance tagging along indefinately. When she tried to deal with it sensitively she was told her daughter should give up her happiness for the sake of this girl and was tantamount to a selfish B if she didn't.

Now OP is annoyed that her daughter wil be upset and the CFery of planning to attend DD's party while Jane doesn't invite her to hers. Yet the bandwagon is that Jane can do whatever the hell she likes, it's my party and I'll scream if I want to. Is she not to consider her friend who will be sad to have been left out. Moving school, recently I might add, is no excuse to ditch all your previous friends. What message is that sending?

OP say something. People do inconsiderate things like this and get away with it because they rely on other people 'taking the high road' and saying nothing. Maybe there is a genuine reason (doubt it though) but if there isn't then you know where you stand.

chocatoo · 26/03/2018 19:02

I feel for you OP. I don't agree with people who say it's up to the child who they do or don't invite - I view it as my job as a parent to teach my child basic good manners (and that would include inviting another child to whose party my child was going in the next few days). It is a parent's job to teach their child how to be gracious...or maybe they don't have the manners to realise that it's rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 19:07

It is mean of the mum, and I feel for you, no more favours or meeting up, just see them at the club and that's it, I don't like duplicitous people like that.

Moomoo06 · 26/03/2018 19:17

Your poor daughter, I can imagine how she must of felt, and to those doubting op’s explanation of how her dd seen the photos, why is that so hard to believe? I have scrolled through facebook many of times with my dd next to me and shes seen photos or asked ‘whats that’. Theres been a couple of times I’ve scrolled through and parents have put photos on of parties with lots of her friends there that shes not been invited to, and I know its made her feel bad so I really hope your dd is ok. We can only teach them not to be so cruel themselves, I would never let my dd have a party and not invite a friend who she has recently had a sleepover with, how unkind of the mother and to lie about it thats just Confused

Jux · 26/03/2018 19:18

What are you going to do now?

She knows that you know that she lied to you. Neither of you have actually saidd anything to each other. Are you going to let it drop, and gradually fade out of existence?

Wouldn't your dd say something to her Jane? What might you do if she did?

Original poster
MrsGloop · 26/03/2018 19:19

Thanks for your comments. A PP hit the nail on the head when they said how rude it was of my friend to say, essentially “Tell me when you are hosting the party that my child will be invited to, so I can ensure that it doesn’t clash with the party that we’re having that your daughter isn’t welcome at.”

DD gets it - she figures that Jane needs to build relationships with her new classmates, but is still disappointed. Having said that - Jane is a very confident -gobby- girl, and frankly DD was almost as irritated with her as I (and the party leader) was at the party. It was a cooking party, so facilitated by someone else. So maybe the friendship will naturally cool.

As for allowing kids to choose their attendees, I would typically agree, but with caveats. DD gave me the list of girls that she wanted from her school. It’s a very small school and as it turned out, it would have resulted in all the girls in one class, except one, being invited, along with s couple in the other class. I said to DD that she had to also include the sole girl in the class who hadn’t been invited. They aren’t buddies necessarily but I know the girls would be chattering about the party at school, and I didn’t want her to feel left out. I think it’s important to model decent behavior, even if that wouldn’t have been your chosen behavior!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2018 19:25

What are you going to do about your friendship with the girls mother, are you going to cool that too. Very sneaky and unkind from her.

BelleandBeast · 26/03/2018 19:49

I am on your side with this OP and would do exactly as you have!

whereverialaymyhat · 26/03/2018 20:05

I knew this thread would descend into the OP insulting a 10 year old child.

CheeseyToast · 26/03/2018 20:20

Gosh you are not coming across well OP, I'm understanding why your daughter was not invited to the party. Seems the other mother has the measure of you.

Mummymia2 · 26/03/2018 20:23

Make a mental note, make less effort if it isn’t reciprocated and move on.

It is a horrible feeling but can I also just say that perhaps this is to do with the recent school move? Perhaps they felt if they invited your dd they’d have to invite other friends from previous school and couldnt afford to? Perhaps as it was all new school friends your dd may have felt a bit left out not knowing anyone else and Jane being busy with other friends from new school? My daughter recently changed school and we did separate events with new school friends and non school friends for all the above reasons but this year will be different as relationships with new friends are more solid.

She may well suggest a little get together for your dd’s soon anyway so hang on in there :)

Mummymia2 · 26/03/2018 20:24

Totally should have finished reading all the posts before posting face palm

cherish123 · 26/03/2018 20:25

I would not say anything- you will just cause an argument. She may have had her reasons - keeping it to children in new class, small numbers. She obviously wasn't bothered about you finding out if she put it on social media.

Smithy01 · 26/03/2018 20:35

Well in my experience things fester when left like this. Let the mum know how you and DD feel, deal with it then draw a line under it. Otherwise it grows even if you try not to let it.