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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking husbands name

720 replies

luelle · 24/03/2018 18:59

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

OP posts:

bonnyshide · 24/03/2018 20:56

Usually people who respond to this topic feel very passionate about it....

I took my husbands name, I like the whole family having the same name, we are a unit. I'm proud to share his name.

I completely understand why others don't want to, I respect that.

At the end of the day its what works for you and not anybody else's business really.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:00

Nah I am fine thanks @runningoutofjuice

I will stay RIGHT HERE.

Thanks for your kind concern though HUN.

I may have to pop off for a few minutes though to give DH a back rub and massage his feet, and make him a coffee, and iron his shirt. You know, like the patriarchy orders me to. Gotta do what the MENZ tell us remember. Like the good iccle wimmen we are.

JassyRadlett · 24/03/2018 21:01

But I won't accept that it is anti feminist to make a choice just because it is a traditional choice, just like the white dress.

Why? It would have hurt your FIL and DH because of traditions and cultural norms based in sexism. I can absolutely understand the choice you made, given all the circumstances, but the circumstances aren’t neutral.

The tradition is sexist. Just like he white dress tradition. There’s no logical way to argue otherwise. It doesn’t stop people who make those choices from being feminist because as others have pointed out, society and culture are complex, messy things. But they certainly aren’t feminist choices and, given how disproportionately the name change falls on women, it’s difficult to see it as neutral. (The dress is absolutely not neutral. It’s totally sexist. Still loved and do not regret mine.)

happymummy12345 · 24/03/2018 21:02

I think it should be a personal decision, and that everyone should do what is right for them.
Personally I always knew I'd take my husbands name, and that for this reason I wanted to be married before having children. We were ttc and had discussed marriage, but weren't actually engaged. I got pregnant, then we got engaged. We were engaged for 3 months and planned the wedding in 2, I wanted to do it before I was showing. The first thing I did was change my name at the hospital, so my info was in my married name.
I don't see it as a sign of being someone's property or anything like that. I just like how it feels, that we all have the same name.

stitchglitched · 24/03/2018 21:02

Kimanda you sound ridiculous. As a pp said, this is a thread asking for people's opinions. You can't police what others think. If you made your choices freely then there really is no need to be so defensive.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:03

Problem is @bonnyshide women who do take their husband's surname don't care if other women don't. But women who don't want to take the man's name are very damning and vitriolic about those who do.

DON'T take your husband's name if you do not want to, but if other women choose to do it, leave them alone to get on with it without trying to make them feel like shit. Because it has got FUCK ALL to do with you.

Fruitcorner123 · 24/03/2018 21:04

I’m really glad you did something you liked doing.

The truth is that arguing about this is missing the point entirely. Women in the past fought for us because of the oppression women faced. If we take a considered decision to change our name because we would like to that's not oppressive is It?

In the same way I will encourage my daughters to do what they like with their lives, if that's ballet and hairdressing so be it. If it's football and engineering that's also fine. There is nothing wrong with ballet, there is nothing wrong with changing your name, there is nothing wrong with football and there is nothing wrong with keeping the name you were born with.

Original poster

luelle · 24/03/2018 21:04

Part and parcel of posting on AIBU I know but this thread is just for different opinions! It's great to have different opinions and I love a good debate, but keep it nice folks.

OP posts:

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TabbyMack · 24/03/2018 21:08

Amen, Kimanda

No, taking your husbands name is not a decision made in a vacuum..and the history of doing this has a great many sexist connotations.

So does fucking marriage itself. Don’t see many of you pretending to feel “sad” at the thought of women entering into an arrangement that was invented by men to control women.

And how many of you still wanted your engagement rings? Or “the proposal”? Or your Dad giving you away? Loads, I bet.

Rituals and traditions evolve and come to mean different things. Wanting the same name as every member of your immediate family is hardly a shocking thing - and since marriage no longer means that your husband owns you, why would having his name signal this? No, not many men change theirs, but how do you know more won’t in the future?

Feminism is supposed to be about giving women choices that they never had before, autonomy over their own lives - and feeling “sad” that they are making a choice that you personally wouldn’t is putting us back at square one.

I really wish women today would get their fucking noses out of other women’s lives. A matriarchal society is no more to be desired than a patriarchal one, you know.

Fruitcorner123 · 24/03/2018 21:08

But i never said it wasn't sexist JassyRadlett of course it was about oppressing women in the past it just isn't now.

And no the circumstances are not neutral. I suppose I am just saying it doesn't matter because the men involved are not trying to oppress me and if I wanted to I could have whatever name I wanted.

NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 24/03/2018 21:09

I don't know any women in RL who didn't change their surname on marriage
I know a handful who double barreled. (Aware this cant be extrapolated to the population at large)

My DC have their dad's surname. We were engaged when they were born and I was planning to change my name. I was young never really considered not. It has never bothered me that we have different names.
My new dp and I have discussed various aspects of marriage. He said he would like it if I changed my name, but wouldn't be upset and would understand if I didn't.

I couldn't give a flying fuck what other women chose to do!

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:10

As usual, this thread does NOT feature 'differing views,' it features women who DON'T agree with women taking their husband's name slagging off women who DO take it. THAT is what is happening here. And the women who DO want to take the husband's name don't CARE if other women keep theirs.

Why are the women who CLAIM they have kept their maiden name so ANGRY with other women taking their husband's name? WHY so much ANGER ladies?

As I said, it's got fuck all to do with anyone if a woman keeps her surname, and no-one has a right to try and make any women feel bad about it.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:11

Just spotted @tabbymack's post .. Thank you.

iMatter · 24/03/2018 21:11

By all means keep your own name but please please please make sure your kids have YOUR surname.

They are not chattels that belong to him that you hand over when they are born.

53rdWay · 24/03/2018 21:13

I didn’t change my name when I got married. Neither did my husband.

Number of people who’ve asked him why he didn’t change his name - zero.
Number of people who’ve asked me why I didn’t change mine - TONS.

If it’s just a harmless sweet happy way for everyone to have the same surname, not sexist at all, then why aren’t the men doing it? Because they almost never are and nobody’s expecting it of them.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:13

AND great post @tabbymack

NFATR · 24/03/2018 21:14

By all means keep your own name but please please please make sure your kids have YOUR surname

how about you mind your own business and not tell the rest of us what to do?

Fruitcorner123 · 24/03/2018 21:14

A sad thing about some feminists is that they use too much energy insulting and criticising other women for not being feminist enough in their view. Lets stand together and fight for the things that really matter like the gender pay gap and FGM etc etc

MNHQ

LornaMumsnet · 24/03/2018 21:15

Can we keep the discussion civil, please? It's getting pretty heated and we'd hate to have to remove the thread.

JassyRadlett · 24/03/2018 21:15

The truth is that arguing about this is missing the point entirely.

I think we probably disagree about what the point is.

Women in the past fought for us because of the oppression women faced.

And women today are are still fighting for equality. Name changing is prett small beer in the greater scheme of things, but it’s symbolic of a wider structure that treats men and women as less than equal. If a similar proportion of men to women changed their names on marriage so that their kids

If we take a considered decision to change our name because we would like to that's not oppressive is It?

And neither is it feminist. That’s all I’m saying. This isn’t a feminist act.

Digging deeper, the expectation that a woman will change her name if she doesn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings is a teeny bit oppressive. The expectation that a woman will have to change her name if she wants the same name as her kids, because her husband’s name is the default, likewise.

We all make our individual choices for our individual reasons, and most of the time they will feel open and unfettered. But societally they do add up to a bigger picture - where this is something that is (almost) only done by women. So what feels like an open, neutral, choice really isn’t.

Unsurprisingly I am doing likewise with my sons. I’m also trying to raise them with values where they won’t be hurt or feel emasculated if their future wife wants to keep her name, and where they do not expect their children will automatically have their father’s name.

53rdWay · 24/03/2018 21:15

WHY so much ANGER ladies?

WHY so much CAPSLOCK, lady?

I’m not angry with you, ya muppet. I’m angry with a sexist system that perpetuates this.

Same as I’m not angry for my great-grandmother and all her friends giving up work when they got married, but I’m pretty angry with a society where that was just expected of women.

LoveInTokyo · 24/03/2018 21:16

“PLUS, most twitter females are an average age of 16 to 19, and are little leftie feminists who know fuckall about ANYthing.!”

And more of this.

kimanda, this is not how to win friends and influence people.

kimanda · 24/03/2018 21:17

Well said @fruity

And seeing as SOMEONE doesn't like to hear views other than their own and has reported this thread, I shall bow out NOW.

Shame really. That people cannot bear views other than their own, and back out and report people when they meet their match.