Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Why are the women who CLAIM they have kept their maiden name so ANGRY with other women taking their husband's name? WHY so much ANGER ladies?

Can you quote any posts on this thread where any women say they are angry about this? I’m curious, I haven’t seen any.

As you've asked, OP, I hate this tradition.

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I don't understand this at all. The first few lines are exactly why I consider it sexist. I don't feel we have moved past the reasons for it - to me it feels like coming from the same place as women not being able to own property or work after marriage or pursue higher education.

Not a fun little quirky tradition that feels 'nice', but a systemic expectation placed exclusively on women

I can only think of one person I know who has married and kept her own name (although she insists on Mrs but attached to he4 maiden name). I know two who have double barrelled their names but everyone else has taken the husbands name - including me. I like the fact that the four of us have the one name...it makes us a cohesive unit. I’ve shared a name with my DH for longer than I shared my dads name now.

Not a single poster has slagged off women who change their names and the only ANGER appears to have come from you.

And no the circumstances are not neutral. I suppose I am just saying it doesn't matter because the men involved are not trying to oppress me and if I wanted to I could have whatever name I wanted.

I cross posted with this.

I agree that it probably doesn’t matter on an individual level. It’s different on a societal level but none of us really choose things on a societal rather

I was reacting to the suggestion that it was somehow a feminist choice, or a choice not based on and influenced by the traditions and expectations of a sexist society.

As I’ve said all along, I can understand why you’ve made it, and I’m glad you’re happy with it.

Oh dear, this took a pretty swift turn.

I took my husbands name because we plan on having children soon and I want us all to have the same surname. We contemplated him changing to my surname, however, I have a very hard to pronounce French surname which has been slightly annoying throughout my life in the uk (no one knows how to pronounce it!)

So, that’s the only reason why. It’s not because he owns me or I own him. We want to be known as the Smith family or Mr and Mrs Smith.

Just because we like that. Nothing else to it.

I took my husband's name and i know at least two women who kept their own names on marriage. They are not angry about me taking my husband's name I am not angry that they kept theirs.
FWIW i wish I hadn't changed my name because it's a massive pain the arse when you find something you haven't updated and you have to start getting certified copies of marriage certificates to prove who you are. The admin involved is stupid and if I'd known before I started I wouldn't have bothered.

So does fucking marriage itself. Don’t see many of you pretending to feel “sad” at the thought of women entering into an arrangement that was invented by men to control women.

And how many of you still wanted your engagement rings? Or “the proposal”? Or your Dad giving you away? Loads, I bet.

DH didn’t propose. We decided we wanted to marry (was actually more important to him but I understood why.)

DH bought a ring - I don’t wear it. Nor my wedding ring. He doesn’t wear his either. Still very much married.

I didn’t wear a white dress. I wasn’t given away. Our marriage is a legal contract. Not a fairytale. Nothing romantic about it.

No, not many men change theirs, but how do you know more won’t in the future?

Because anything other than the norm (ie women changing heir names) would need the norm to be challenged. But when you do you get called a “ranty feminist”.

I took my husbands name because we plan on having children soon and I want us all to have the same surname.

But you didn’t consider both of you changing to a name you chose together?

@LornaMumsnet Sorry.. think I opened a can of worms with this thread

My friend in works husband took her last name, which I think is lovely! I took my husbands last name because I love the name and I felt like it made us a little family 😊 each to thier own

Ooof, there's some bad tempered caps locking bellowing going on here.

And also, 'maiden name' what a twee little term that is.

I changed my name on marriage. My previous surname had been imposed on me by my mother after she remarried and that did make me feel like property. My original surname I associated with a man I didn't know. Neither of the names truly felt like mine if I thought about it but this name I actually chose. true, I could have changed prior to marriage but the it wasn't high enough on my list of annoyances.

I practically took DH's name as soon as we got engaged and he started calling me by that name. I was really happy to take his name in any case. I couldn't really care less what anyone else does.

But if I had a name that felt like mine to begin with I would have kept it.

simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

It will never be that until it's equally accepted for a man to change his surname to his new wife's.

I took my husbands name because we plan on having children soon and I want us all to have the same surname.

So did we, so we both changed to a new one. A real new family being created, not one person joining the other's. Much nicer. I loved changing my name - but I would never have done so if it were just me doing it, and not the other person who had just married too. That wouldn't have felt the same at all.

My DH wanted to keep his maiden name because he’s a “strong independent man” or something. I humour his little whims, so I allowed it. Am a good wife, me.

So did we, so we both changed to a new one. A real new family being created, not one person joining the other's. Much nicer. I loved changing my name - but I would never have done so if it were just me doing it, and not the other person who had just married too. That wouldn't have felt the same at all.

That chimes very much with how my husband responded all the times people asked if I was going to/whether I did take his name (more usually now asking in surprised/shocked tones ‘didn’t she take your name?’. He invariably replies ‘no, neither of us changed our names.’

Which I think is a really lovely way of summing up why we did what we did - if one of us had changed our name, we both would have.

*kittensinmydinner1 and can you not see that that decision was made in the context of a wider society.

I want you to have the choice, I support your right to choose, but you must see the decision is made in the context of a sexist society.*

Sorry for the delay in responding, I was busy cooking the patriarchs' supper..... but now all my chores are done , he has allowed me a few minutes of screen time to assure you that I am sooooo thankful, you 'want me to have a choice' .
I don't know how I would have made it through the day if the self appointed governors of feminism hadn't had wanted that for me.

However I did just want to assure you that whilst in the small room above my wedding venue - where the registrar came to visit me in order to complete the marriage certificates , that I was neither coerced nor bullied by all in attendance into complying with the historical patriarchy . Nor did I NOT consider the connotations that some attach to name change on marriage. I am an articulate, intelligent women who requires no teaching of feminist history in order to make my own choice.

I am entitled to a choice.
No one - man or woman has a right to judge my choice.

The bigots here are those that can't except that each women or man has a RIGHT to choose to change their own name. Be that by marriage or deed poll.

Your beliefs in your brand of feminism do not Trump my right to run my life how I wish, based on all the facts gained through an extensive education and extremely broad ranging working life. I am no shy retiring little women and take great exception to being told by someone who doesn't know me that 'they know best' based on a far smaller (and no doubt shorter) world view than my own as I am in my late 50's. So, I've been there with the rad fem gang, (greenham common,) done that and will call myself whatever bloody name I like without recourse to anyone's opinion but my own.

Nobody’s telling you that you can’t change your name, kittens. People are pointing out that your choice was still made in the context of a sexist society. Which is why almost all women do choose to do it, and almost all men don’t.

TittyGolightly but that worked for you and that's all that matters I am more romantic than you and like the idea of a proposal and a romantic wedding (though I don't think it makes a difference who proposes) lots of men like the romance of it too and other men are practical about it like you. Can't we be different without one type being inferior?

I don’t consider it inferior.

Each to their own, but nobody should judge someone else on their choices IMO
If we can’t be judged by the choices we make, what can we be judged on??

And neither is it feminist. That’s all I’m saying. This isn’t a feminist act.

I imagine everyone agrees that taking your husband's last name is not a feminist act. I don't thing anyone is debating that. The reason I have posted on this thread is because I am fed up with hearing feminists criticise other feminists because they do X or Y

We should stand together against the things that really matter not quibble over things that no longer have any real relevance. It may have traditionally been seen as ownership but it isn't now is It?