Taking husbands name

[luelle]

I've just read a twitter thread regarding women taking their husbands surname when they marry, and out of the hundreds of replies I skim read I would say a good 90% of the replies are people absolutely dead against it. Countless posts saying that it's ridiculous in this day and age, it's outdated and degrading, no women should be treated like property to be passed about. That its awful when women would throw away their family name without a second thought etc.. I'm just shocked, I never realised it had become such a negative thing in so many peoples eyes!

I am aware of the history behind taking surnames and yes it was to do with ownership from father to husband, but surely in this day and age we have moved past all that enough for it to simply just be a nice thing you do when you get married, if you want to?

I think it's become so common now for women to keep their maiden names, and I don't think women are really expected to take their last name anymore. It is a choice and it's great that women are free to make these choices - but I just found it quite sad that this thread had so many people bashing people that do choose to take their husbands name?

I plan to take my DPs name if we get married, just because I'd like to. In my mind, it's an exciting part of marriage and a new chapter. I'm still me, I'm still part of my family, I still have my family history. AIBU to be a little sad that I could actually be looked at negatively for doing so? Or have times just changed that much?

Saf- do you see a distinction between saying that a particular choice is an anti feminist choice and saying that a woman who makes such a choice is not a feminist?

Yup - I do - nearly a quarter of a century on , I may have decided differently - at the time it made sense and was a considered choice. Nothing since then makes me believe DS has been brought up not to be a feminist ( I do realise that is going to be in my definition , not everyone's) But I still believe you can do most things right and let not the perfect stand in the way of the good.

Thanks Basilisk for explaining that, it sounds as though in practice your surname is your DS's second middle name, like Titty's DD? That seems to be a nice, neat solution.

"Saf - do you see a distinction between saying that a particular choice is an anti feminist choice and saying that a woman who makes such a choice is not a feminist?"

Yes Bertrand, I really do. It's one of the set phrases on here and I accept that.

American - I'm also in the 40s now, but I feel as if I've experienced the reverse to you in terms of feminist understanding

Without meaning to get too philosophical, I don't think of the patriarchy as some abstract system imposed on us by men. It is ingrained in us all, it is insidious and I don't mean to underestimate its existence or significance for one second, now or historically. But I think women are, and always have been, much more than victims of patriarchy. Men and women are interrelated, we share the planet, human nature is what it is and women want / need / are attracted to certain behaviours and qualities in men and societies reflect this too. It's not only women that are shaped by men's ideologies - it's a two way street. There is a power imbalance yes, of course, but to me, society is not just the patriarchy. Society reflects human psychology - male and female, consciously and unconsciously, and this is something that goes deeper. So I take responsibility for the way I live my life in this context, if that makes any sense.

I think it's fair enough to take a partners name, if you want to. The issue, as you rightly say, is that society has moved on... but marriage has not (personally I also take issue with marriage certificates only documenting fathers details but hey that's another story). When we're in a place where a man takes a woman's name just as readily as a woman would take a mans name, then I'd consider the name-taking thing acceptable. Right now (sorry!) but I can't help but wonder why as a modern society we are not making faster moves towards equality, particularly in light of recent #me too campaigns and news reports on gender pay gaps. It seems glaringly obvious to me that marriage in its current state is a feminist issue that desperately needs to be addressed. The marriage act has not been updated since well before women even had the vote. I don't want to be made to feel like property or a second class citizen on what should be the happiest day of my life. It's about time we took a good hard look at making marriage modern, equal and fair.

Our children have a hyphenated name- we have always told them that they can drop one or the other at any point they like- particularly as it is quite a cumbersome combination and one of them, with the change of one letter becomes a slight rude word. So far they have kept both- except when ds used mine, which is the shorter one, for football because it looks better on the back of a shirt.

Inciidentally, I always use hyphenated. The term double-barrelled was invented as a satire of the upper classes by Punch (I think) in the 19th century (I think).

Brogue Yes DS has my last name in his names. We made a decision not to hyphenate them but he knows it is his name & not afraid to use it. And Bertrand I suspect we have done it the other way about - in that - we both always told Ds he could use both our names if he wanted to - but because of writing and dyslexia ( and in truth , it has become customary - I know - I know ) - he would rather not. But they are both there if he wants them. Goodness, he uses my (last ) name when he wants to . In fact DS might like a name which is slightly rude at times - it would give him a laugh. May have to look up deed poll forms.

Cross post - yes I use hyphenated Bertrand rather than doubled barrelled - but then I am rather a fan of Evelyn Waugh - so no "doubled barrelled " name too funny for me

Thanks Bertrand and also for explaining the hyphenated/DB distinction - I didn't know that!

Sorry for the thread hijack but I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

Brogue it's actually his 3rd middle name - but yes you are right he is Basilisk name of choice 1 Basilisk name of Choice 2 Basilisk last name Basilisk DH last name and your post resonated - My Dh wanted his name included.( He had to negotiate to get his name in there ) I'd be interested to know how many agree , honestly I think DH ( anyone put DP in here as interchangeable) just wanted to be part of the thing. I think DH felt he was a bit " left out " - not a great way of explaining it but part of the reason

this always seemed like a 'soft' way of giving the child the father's name, but giving the mum a bit of a sop

Not at all. As another poster said, I carried her. She can be called Moonbeam Whatsit and it wouldn’t make any difference.

I think if you don't hyphenate then the mother's name is just another first name. Which is fine if that's what you want, but if you're thinking about actually having the mother's name as part of the last name you have to hyphenate.

Titty The reality is that I know many, many women who are raising their kids more or less single-handed, and in many of those cases they are raising children who have the surname of the absent parent. Personally I would HATE that.

Fair enough. On the other hand, if DD ever decides to change her surname, mine is lore likely to stay put!

*more

My BIL split from his child’s Mum she. He was about 2. When they named him BIL asked her to double barrel her name with his for their son. She refused, and put just BIL’s name. Of course, this grated when they split, so she went to court for permission to change his name to the double barrelled version and won. He’s now “known as” just her surname with the school, doctors etc. Legally it’s still there, but it’s not used at all when he is with her.

Why would it make you feel sad? I'm honestly neither here nor there

But your OP says that you're sad that people will look down at you for changing your name. So why can't posters be sad about people changing their names?

You sound very confused and a drama llama.

Majella my post wasn’t intended to equate retaining your own name with the right to vote. The former has always been an option but the latter fought for. Poor articulation rather than idiocy on my part if that’s how it came across, The point I was making is that to bring about change there needs to be persistence, consistency and sacrifice. Your one act of taking your husband’s name out of preference is a tiny endorsement of sexist traditions whether you individually view it that way or not. That act fails to add to the groundswell. You can exercise that choice but do so with the acknowledgement that it doesn’t help the wider deconstruction of sexism.